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Thanksgiving is only about 1 week away, then comes Christmas. The holidays are suppose to be joyful, thank God they are for most people. I thought that each year it would get better for me, not dreading the holidays, but here I am again not looking forward to them. The empty seat at the table shouts out that our family is not complete. I have to wonder if Brandon would have had a family by now, maybe I would have been a grandmother or would he have found a career that he loved. What type of man would he have been, his age now would be 28 years old. But circumstance beyond my control took him from us at only 19, so our family will never be able to see what type of person he would have grown up to be.
It is still so hard for me to comprehend that I lost my son. Brittni, my daughter, puts it in a way that describes the feeling well. She says that sometimes she feels as if Brandon was not really here at all, she knows this is not true but it is as if she had lived another life completely with him in it. Now with him gone, things have just changed so much that it doesn't seem like it was reality. Maybe more like we all lived another life with him here, because our life now is filled with a void deep within each of our hearts. I know this sounds strange, maybe our minds have strange thoughts to help us deal with the trauma. Memories are good, but they can also make you sad.
My brother's family is in the same position this year, his grandson, Chase, will not be with them this holiday season. I feel for all of them, because I know that since this is the first year without him, it is going to be exceptionally hard. Everything you do and see reminds you of the memory of the holidays before the death. I remember thinking "how am I ever going to make it through this", it is tough emotionally and also physically because of all the pain who have inside is so stressful. I wish there was something I could do to help them cope, but there isn't anything anyone can do.
I have been managing pretty well these days, except this morning when I woke up, my mind was on the holidays and the first thing I felt was that same strong pain knowing that we will all have to make it through another holiday. I physically have to let the emotion out, so usually I scream, the word is almost always "No", I don't want this to be real, so I guess my mind just goes to the word "No". I write this blog to help me cope with my feelings. I know I have changed since Brandon died, much more withdrawn, but I also know that I am okay within myself. I have learned to deal with trauma, I am surviving, a bit more damaged than before, but it is part of who I am now. I did learn the lesson from Brandon that you need not to worry about what others think of your actions, it is important to be who you are and not who people want you to be. My son, the individual, who was not always the easiest to control, but he lived his life on his terms, for the short time he was here. I am proud of that now and look at it as an attribute, a statement of his character, that he was happy with himself. Thank you Brandon for showing me that I can have that same strength.
