I just arrived back home on Friday from a trip to Mexico. It was a great trip, I was able to spend the weekend with my daughter, Brittni. Then had a few days to myself and celebrated my birthday. I so much wish this weekend could of consisted of my son, Brandon and my daughter, Brittni. But he is gone, now 10 1/2 years, but I still wish that he was here.
Your home is suppose to be your sanctuary, but for me it is more like a dungeon. I feel so much more free when I am away. This house reminds me of how things used to be, a home with two children long ago, enjoying all of the amenities with family and friends. Then it became a place full of sadness, because the three of us remaining here had to live with the death of Brandon. Next came the empty nest, Brittni off to college, just my husband and I left with all of our memories. Now Brittni is living across the United States in New York and this large house is empty. Empty in the sense of dwellers, but not void of all of the memories made over 19 years. It is strange that I just wrote 19 years, because that was the age which Brandon died, almost 19 years old. We have been in this house as long as we had him here on earth.
I wish it was possible for me to just keep all the good memories of this house, but it is a task that is just too hard for me. Every time I am gone and return to it, I am flooded with feelings of sadness, thoughts of what should have been and how empty this house seems to me. I feel that my emotions are all tied up with this house, all the wonderful times that brought me happiness and all the grief that created so much pain. A dungeon that is holding me, I know that all of my emotions will follow me wherever I go, so maybe I should not call this house my dungeon, maybe I am creating my own prison with my mind flooded with all of these thoughts.
My mind seems to be able to relax when I am away, maybe it is just a temporary fix, but it does help me, I don't know why. So for now one of my coping skills will be to take little breaks away from my house, until the time comes that my mind and soul can cope with all these memories made here over the last 19 years or when I decide it is time to leave the house, where I have lived so much of my adult life. The place I call home, but now it seems like my dungeon. Some may think, why doesn't she just leave then, the only problem is that the my daughter and husband still think of it as their sanctuary, holding on to all the good memories, so for now I will try my best to fight my demons that live here and try to think of all the wonderful memories that have been created in this house. Wish me luck.
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Sunday, September 9, 2012
Thursday, June 7, 2012
A Random Day
Today was one of those random days where for no specific reason I woke up feeling as if I was transported back into time at the place where I was in my first stage of grief. I don't understand why this happens, but there are definitely days like these that blind side me every so often. My heart aches, it is physical as well as emotional, when your child dies, I believe that it is impossible to completely recover. Today was a day for grieving Brandon's death, these days are uncomfortable for some around me, but I do believe they help with the ongoing healing process. They are not pleasant, more like torturous, but familiar. I don't think any parent can comprehend the thought of life without the child they created, I believe it is just too painful to even think of the possibility. But to those of us who have survived, and believe me I use the word survive in its true meaning, because that is all you can do at the beginning is just make it through each day, we have a complete understanding of what agony it really is. I think this is the reason that I have these random days, I am still processing Brandon's death, even after all of this time. I also think these will continue for the rest of my life, it is just the way it is. I make it through most days like a normal person, then these random days hit me and I am reminded of all the damage my son's death has done to a me. I am just glad that this day is over and maybe my next random day might be a little less painful.
Friday, May 11, 2012
10th Mother's Day Without My Son
On Sunday May 13, 2012 will be the 10th Mother's Day I have had to get through without my son. I am thankful that I still have my daughter and I need to be able to get past this pain that hits me so hard every holiday. I know that for my own sanity, I should be able to just to enjoy the present and think about the times I spent with Brandon, my son, and times I have to look forward with my daughter, Brittni. I know all of this on an intellectual level, but my heart and emotions seem to win this battle over my own intellectual thoughts.
It seems that on days like today, I am bound and determined to let my emotions surface and it is weird that it also seems as if I embrace them, pain and all. I am not sure why I do this, it feels as if it is something out of my control. I am drawn to go deep inside myself and feel the pain, I feel the need to go visit Brandon's grave, maybe it is because it is Mother's Day and this is the only thing a mother of a dead child can do for them. So I will go, put new flowers on his grave and make it look pretty. It will be painful, as it always is, but also it is therapeutic for me. Tears cleanse the soul they say and from my own experience I have found this to be true. So today I will cleanse my soul through my tears. Then pick myself up, pull myself together and face another Mother's Day without my son.
I don't write in this blog for pity, I write in it for myself. I choose to share my thoughts in hopes that maybe another parent who has lost a child can read it and realize that their feelings are normal, because only someone who has gone through this knows how it feels and others may think you are just crazy, or that you need to get over it. But this is so much easier said than done and really how could a parent get over the loss of a child. We go on, somedays better than others, yes we heal but slowly and we never completely recover. But we are survivors and we will make it even on days when we think it is impossible.
It seems that on days like today, I am bound and determined to let my emotions surface and it is weird that it also seems as if I embrace them, pain and all. I am not sure why I do this, it feels as if it is something out of my control. I am drawn to go deep inside myself and feel the pain, I feel the need to go visit Brandon's grave, maybe it is because it is Mother's Day and this is the only thing a mother of a dead child can do for them. So I will go, put new flowers on his grave and make it look pretty. It will be painful, as it always is, but also it is therapeutic for me. Tears cleanse the soul they say and from my own experience I have found this to be true. So today I will cleanse my soul through my tears. Then pick myself up, pull myself together and face another Mother's Day without my son.
I don't write in this blog for pity, I write in it for myself. I choose to share my thoughts in hopes that maybe another parent who has lost a child can read it and realize that their feelings are normal, because only someone who has gone through this knows how it feels and others may think you are just crazy, or that you need to get over it. But this is so much easier said than done and really how could a parent get over the loss of a child. We go on, somedays better than others, yes we heal but slowly and we never completely recover. But we are survivors and we will make it even on days when we think it is impossible.
Saturday, February 18, 2012
10 Years Ago Tomorrow Tragedy Struck Our Family
Tomorrow will be the 10th anniversary of my son's death, I cannot believe it has been 10 years. My heart aches today, knowing tomorrow is going to be an even harder day. I was posting pictures of Brandon this week on my Facebook account, I memorial to my son, I will do this everyday until his birthday February 28th. It is therapeutic for me, gives me the opportunity to look back on all the good times we had with him. He was a beautiful blond haired baby, who grew into a handsome blond hair, browned eyed young man. I wish I would have been able to watch this young man grow, but God had other plans for him. I have to think that there was a reason he had to leave us, I believe that we all have our predestined time to die. That is the time when all of our work here on earth has been done and it is time to move on to eternal happiness, peace and joy. I have to believe that I will see him again when I die, that is what keeps me sane.
I believe that Brandon continues to send me messages that he is okay. Just last night, right as I was posting a picture on Facebook of him with some of his high school friends, I had a knock at my door. I opened the door and Brandon's good friend Pablo was there, I haven't seen or spoke to Pablo in over 1 1/2 years. He said he was riding by on his motorcycle, saw Jay's truck and hoped that we still lived in our house. So he decided to stop in. The timing of this visit was perfect, coincidence some might say, but since Brandon died too many incidents like this has happened for them all to be coincidence. Pablo told me right away that he had a dream of Brandon two nights before. He said the dream was so real he thought for a moment he was still alive, but then realized he was dead, told Brandon in his dream, "You are dead" and started to cry. Brandon said to him "dude it is okay". Pablo has had some tough times that he is working through and he told me that he dreams of Brandon often and maybe he is one of his guardian angels. I believe this to be true, because Brandon was always concerned about Pablo when he was alive. Yes, they did some crazy things together, the way teenage boys do. But I remember times when Brandon would have a serious conversation with me about what Pablo had been through in his life and I saw the compassion he had for him. He was a good friend to Brandon and Brandon to him.
Little things like this keeps my faith strong that my son is trying to tell me that he is okay. He had such a strong spirit, in life as well as in death. I hope that he can see how much we love him. I am counting on him to watch over his sister, Brittni, because he can do more from heaven than I can here on earth. He always harassed her when he was alive, but at the same time as very protective. She misses him terribly, being only 13 years old when he died, she has moments now that the grief comes upon her so hard. I think at 13 she didn't have the coping skills to deal with this type of trauma, so I think that as she has gotten older she is trying to deal with it now. I feel for her, she had a brother that should be here to help her with life issues that come up, but he is gone, she feels as if she is alone. Of course she knows Jay and I are here for her, but I know that having siblings to share experiences, talk about issues going on in your life and help guide you is important. I am so sad that she doesn't have Brandon here.
Life without my son is hard to handle, but we keep taking one step after another, we have been at it for 10 years now, this is something that my family will have to deal with forever. It is never going to stop hurting, yes we continue with our daily lives, but Brandon is never far from our thoughts. He is with us in our hearts and will be until we see him again in heave.
I believe that Brandon continues to send me messages that he is okay. Just last night, right as I was posting a picture on Facebook of him with some of his high school friends, I had a knock at my door. I opened the door and Brandon's good friend Pablo was there, I haven't seen or spoke to Pablo in over 1 1/2 years. He said he was riding by on his motorcycle, saw Jay's truck and hoped that we still lived in our house. So he decided to stop in. The timing of this visit was perfect, coincidence some might say, but since Brandon died too many incidents like this has happened for them all to be coincidence. Pablo told me right away that he had a dream of Brandon two nights before. He said the dream was so real he thought for a moment he was still alive, but then realized he was dead, told Brandon in his dream, "You are dead" and started to cry. Brandon said to him "dude it is okay". Pablo has had some tough times that he is working through and he told me that he dreams of Brandon often and maybe he is one of his guardian angels. I believe this to be true, because Brandon was always concerned about Pablo when he was alive. Yes, they did some crazy things together, the way teenage boys do. But I remember times when Brandon would have a serious conversation with me about what Pablo had been through in his life and I saw the compassion he had for him. He was a good friend to Brandon and Brandon to him.
Little things like this keeps my faith strong that my son is trying to tell me that he is okay. He had such a strong spirit, in life as well as in death. I hope that he can see how much we love him. I am counting on him to watch over his sister, Brittni, because he can do more from heaven than I can here on earth. He always harassed her when he was alive, but at the same time as very protective. She misses him terribly, being only 13 years old when he died, she has moments now that the grief comes upon her so hard. I think at 13 she didn't have the coping skills to deal with this type of trauma, so I think that as she has gotten older she is trying to deal with it now. I feel for her, she had a brother that should be here to help her with life issues that come up, but he is gone, she feels as if she is alone. Of course she knows Jay and I are here for her, but I know that having siblings to share experiences, talk about issues going on in your life and help guide you is important. I am so sad that she doesn't have Brandon here.
Life without my son is hard to handle, but we keep taking one step after another, we have been at it for 10 years now, this is something that my family will have to deal with forever. It is never going to stop hurting, yes we continue with our daily lives, but Brandon is never far from our thoughts. He is with us in our hearts and will be until we see him again in heave.
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