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On Sunday May 13, 2012 will be the 10th Mother's Day I have had to get through without my son. I am thankful that I still have my daughter and I need to be able to get past this pain that hits me so hard every holiday. I know that for my own sanity, I should be able to just to enjoy the present and think about the times I spent with Brandon, my son, and times I have to look forward with my daughter, Brittni. I know all of this on an intellectual level, but my heart and emotions seem to win this battle over my own intellectual thoughts.
It seems that on days like today, I am bound and determined to let my emotions surface and it is weird that it also seems as if I embrace them, pain and all. I am not sure why I do this, it feels as if it is something out of my control. I am drawn to go deep inside myself and feel the pain, I feel the need to go visit Brandon's grave, maybe it is because it is Mother's Day and this is the only thing a mother of a dead child can do for them. So I will go, put new flowers on his grave and make it look pretty. It will be painful, as it always is, but also it is therapeutic for me. Tears cleanse the soul they say and from my own experience I have found this to be true. So today I will cleanse my soul through my tears. Then pick myself up, pull myself together and face another Mother's Day without my son.
I don't write in this blog for pity, I write in it for myself. I choose to share my thoughts in hopes that maybe another parent who has lost a child can read it and realize that their feelings are normal, because only someone who has gone through this knows how it feels and others may think you are just crazy, or that you need to get over it. But this is so much easier said than done and really how could a parent get over the loss of a child. We go on, somedays better than others, yes we heal but slowly and we never completely recover. But we are survivors and we will make it even on days when we think it is impossible.
Dearest Lisa, My heart aches for your loss. Being a nurse who works with critically ill children, I have seen parents brought to the brinks of insanity over the loss of a child. All I have learned is that parents who lose a child, feel the depths of despair that is incomprehensible to the rest of society. Some people return from this "HELL ON EARTH", some people do not. Just know that I Love You Lisa, and my thoughts and prayers go out to you, Jay, and Brittni. From the depths of my soul, my heart aches for you!! Your friend Caprice
ReplyDeleteLisa,
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry that these holidays are so hard for you, but want you to know that I question my sanity too. I know exactly what you mean when you say you are drawn inside yourself and the need to feel the pain. So many feelings parralled to yours on what I feel. This is only our second Mother's Day without Chase, last year was a blur and I don't really remember it, but I do know that I too have shed many tears in these days before this Mother's Day. I keep telling myself that I have so many others surrounding me and I should just enjoy them. But that in itself is painful because there is always one face missing. So like you hon, I will do my mourning and then try to put on a happy face and spend Mother's Day with the rest of my children and grandchildren. I hope you know how much I appreciate your writings, they do help me! Love You, Cathy