I went to a grief support group with my friend who just lost a child in three months ago, all of stories of the parents were heartbreaking.  It transported me back to when my grief was so raw, I saw in these people the torment that every parent that loses a child goes through.  These groups make you realize that when you have suffered this loss, the human body handles it in different ways, grief is personal and how each person handles it is unique.  I saw some that were like me in my early stages, angry, wondering why my child, outwardly showing their devastation and others who put on a strong exterior, but through their eyes you could still how deep the pain ran.

The stories of the group were hard to listen too, sad, yet as I looked into everyones' face I understood their pain, just as I know they understood mine.  The parents were at all different levels of their grief, like myself their were a few who had been living a long time without their child and I could tell have learned to deal with this trauma.  Then the ones new to the grief, as I listened to them speak I was transported back to my early days of grief.  Day to day living was difficult, they were trying their best just to get through the day.  Thoughts of ever feeling better is something they couldn't comprehend.  But as I looked around the room, I saw survivors, helping one another, just really listening and from living through the ordeal to truly understand.  I believe this is helpful, for me it was so important to connect to people who could relate to my pain.  Maybe seeing some of us who have dealt with this for so many years gave the new ones hope that someday things will be better and even though you never get over it, you learn to live with it.

Maybe this group meeting has made my mind relive some of those early phases of grief.  I had a dream about Brandon, which is very rare.  In the dream he came through so vivid, it was if he was there with me. The vision of Brandon in my dream stunned me, I don't dream about him often and I woke up not being able to get the picture of him out of my mind.  He looked the same as he did at the age he died.  The dream had my daughter, Brittni also in it.  She was a small child in the dream, who went into a store by herself with her backpack (one that she carried when she was younger) and these huge sunglasses that she wears now.  A man ran out of the store with the backpack and the sunglasses and I saw him fearing for Brittni that some awful had happened.  Then all of a sudden Brandon was there, it seem as if I communicated to him that something had happened to Brittni telepathically, no words spoken.  In my dream he fought with this man and retrieve Brittni's things, I woke up frightened, maybe the message of this dream was that he is watching over his sister in NYC.  I hope so, I hope she can feel his presence and it gives her some comfort.

This group meeting has also taken me back to the days that when I see a blond haired little boy, I automatically think of Brandon, taking my mind back to the time when he was small.  It makes my heart ache for a moment, then I try to remember that I was so fortunate to have him, even if it was only for almost 19 years.  I don't know if I will return to the group or not, because some of this is just too difficult to relive.

Another Birthday Without You

Today I turn 55 years old, every time any milestone comes around my thoughts go to you.  Still after all of these years I try to understand why you cannot be here to celebrate our life events.  Your dad, sister and I still go through day to day life, but we all changed the day you died.  Each one of us try our best to cope with our own agony of  losing you.  This morning when I awoke knowing it was my birthday, the first thought I had was of you, Brandon.

As I sit here and think about all the times when you were here, again I remember you laugh, your smile, your energy and how much I always worried about you.  My tears don't flow as much as they use to, maybe this is healing.  I watch my friends become grandparents, you would have been 31 years old, maybe I would have been a grandmother too if you would have lived. At 55 years old today, I am blessed, I have your sister, dad, good friends and my health.  I try not to dwell on my broken heart and the part of me that died at the same time I lost you.  I know that grief is not just emotional, but we also feel it physically, right now my heart literally hurts because you are not here.

I write in this blog as if I am writing to you, maybe as I sit here at my computer you can see me from heaven, read the words that I type.  You are always going to be a part of me, my love for you will always be with me, I just wish that was enough to take away my feelings of sadness.  I miss you, everyday, but especially on these special days that you should be hear with us.