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On Sunday May 13, 2012 will be the 10th Mother's Day I have had to get through without my son. I am thankful that I still have my daughter and I need to be able to get past this pain that hits me so hard every holiday. I know that for my own sanity, I should be able to just to enjoy the present and think about the times I spent with Brandon, my son, and times I have to look forward with my daughter, Brittni. I know all of this on an intellectual level, but my heart and emotions seem to win this battle over my own intellectual thoughts.
It seems that on days like today, I am bound and determined to let my emotions surface and it is weird that it also seems as if I embrace them, pain and all. I am not sure why I do this, it feels as if it is something out of my control. I am drawn to go deep inside myself and feel the pain, I feel the need to go visit Brandon's grave, maybe it is because it is Mother's Day and this is the only thing a mother of a dead child can do for them. So I will go, put new flowers on his grave and make it look pretty. It will be painful, as it always is, but also it is therapeutic for me. Tears cleanse the soul they say and from my own experience I have found this to be true. So today I will cleanse my soul through my tears. Then pick myself up, pull myself together and face another Mother's Day without my son.
I don't write in this blog for pity, I write in it for myself. I choose to share my thoughts in hopes that maybe another parent who has lost a child can read it and realize that their feelings are normal, because only someone who has gone through this knows how it feels and others may think you are just crazy, or that you need to get over it. But this is so much easier said than done and really how could a parent get over the loss of a child. We go on, somedays better than others, yes we heal but slowly and we never completely recover. But we are survivors and we will make it even on days when we think it is impossible.
