Thanksgiving is only about 1 week away, then comes Christmas. The holidays are suppose to be joyful, thank God they are for most people. I thought that each year it would get better for me, not dreading the holidays, but here I am again not looking forward to them. The empty seat at the table shouts out that our family is not complete. I have to wonder if Brandon would have had a family by now, maybe I would have been a grandmother or would he have found a career that he loved. What type of man would he have been, his age now would be 28 years old. But circumstance beyond my control took him from us at only 19, so our family will never be able to see what type of person he would have grown up to be.
It is still so hard for me to comprehend that I lost my son. Brittni, my daughter, puts it in a way that describes the feeling well. She says that sometimes she feels as if Brandon was not really here at all, she knows this is not true but it is as if she had lived another life completely with him in it. Now with him gone, things have just changed so much that it doesn't seem like it was reality. Maybe more like we all lived another life with him here, because our life now is filled with a void deep within each of our hearts. I know this sounds strange, maybe our minds have strange thoughts to help us deal with the trauma. Memories are good, but they can also make you sad.
My brother's family is in the same position this year, his grandson, Chase, will not be with them this holiday season. I feel for all of them, because I know that since this is the first year without him, it is going to be exceptionally hard. Everything you do and see reminds you of the memory of the holidays before the death. I remember thinking "how am I ever going to make it through this", it is tough emotionally and also physically because of all the pain who have inside is so stressful. I wish there was something I could do to help them cope, but there isn't anything anyone can do.
I have been managing pretty well these days, except this morning when I woke up, my mind was on the holidays and the first thing I felt was that same strong pain knowing that we will all have to make it through another holiday. I physically have to let the emotion out, so usually I scream, the word is almost always "No", I don't want this to be real, so I guess my mind just goes to the word "No". I write this blog to help me cope with my feelings. I know I have changed since Brandon died, much more withdrawn, but I also know that I am okay within myself. I have learned to deal with trauma, I am surviving, a bit more damaged than before, but it is part of who I am now. I did learn the lesson from Brandon that you need not to worry about what others think of your actions, it is important to be who you are and not who people want you to be. My son, the individual, who was not always the easiest to control, but he lived his life on his terms, for the short time he was here. I am proud of that now and look at it as an attribute, a statement of his character, that he was happy with himself. Thank you Brandon for showing me that I can have that same strength.
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Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Parents often think how easy things will be when the kids are grown
When my children were small I often thought about how much easier life would be when they grew up. I am sure many parents have these thoughts, then when the do grow up you want them to be kids again. I am at that place where I just wish I had that part of my life back. I miss my children, one is gone forever from this earth and the other has moved across the country.
I am happy that my daughter is going to experience new things and that she has a exciting future ahead. I am just selfish and want her close to me, at least close enough that all I need to do to see her is drive a few hours. I know it could be much worst, as is the case with my son. I can drive 15 minutes to see his grave, but can never see his face except in pictures and in my mind. I stare at pictures of him at times, wishing he was here.
As the saying goes, watch what you wish for, because I hate to admit but there were times when I thought to myself during hard times with him, that I just wish he would grow up and how my life would be free of some stress. He did not have the chance to grow up, and my life just became much more stressful and on top of that he left a void that cannot be filled. Sadness is always present in my heart, it doesn't overwhelm the joys of watching my daughter grow, but it is always there.
I just wish that we all had the wisdom when we are given a child that nothing in our world is more important than them. We think we know this, but we cannot really understand the magnitude that if something terrible happens to them how it will impact our lives. Children are a gift, many take for granted that they will always be here for us to love and a result of this is that we allow ourselves to become too absorbed in what we think we need to make our life easier. As parents I believe we brought these children into the world, it is our responsibility to be there for them always. Even grown children need their parents emotional support. I know I did and I was very lucky to have my parents, who were always there to help me through life's struggles.
Even though Brittni is now all away across the country, I know I will be there to give her support in any way I can. Losing Brandon taught me that we don't have any guarantees that our children will out live us, so we need to take all the ups and downs in stride, guide them to the best of our abilities throughout our life.
I am so grateful that I have my daughter, I just wish she was a little closer to me, but who knows maybe her adventure in NYC will bring great opportunities for her, and again maybe she will come back West. I do know that the best part of my life was watching my children grow, even though I might have not realized it at the time.
I am happy that my daughter is going to experience new things and that she has a exciting future ahead. I am just selfish and want her close to me, at least close enough that all I need to do to see her is drive a few hours. I know it could be much worst, as is the case with my son. I can drive 15 minutes to see his grave, but can never see his face except in pictures and in my mind. I stare at pictures of him at times, wishing he was here.
As the saying goes, watch what you wish for, because I hate to admit but there were times when I thought to myself during hard times with him, that I just wish he would grow up and how my life would be free of some stress. He did not have the chance to grow up, and my life just became much more stressful and on top of that he left a void that cannot be filled. Sadness is always present in my heart, it doesn't overwhelm the joys of watching my daughter grow, but it is always there.
I just wish that we all had the wisdom when we are given a child that nothing in our world is more important than them. We think we know this, but we cannot really understand the magnitude that if something terrible happens to them how it will impact our lives. Children are a gift, many take for granted that they will always be here for us to love and a result of this is that we allow ourselves to become too absorbed in what we think we need to make our life easier. As parents I believe we brought these children into the world, it is our responsibility to be there for them always. Even grown children need their parents emotional support. I know I did and I was very lucky to have my parents, who were always there to help me through life's struggles.
Even though Brittni is now all away across the country, I know I will be there to give her support in any way I can. Losing Brandon taught me that we don't have any guarantees that our children will out live us, so we need to take all the ups and downs in stride, guide them to the best of our abilities throughout our life.
I am so grateful that I have my daughter, I just wish she was a little closer to me, but who knows maybe her adventure in NYC will bring great opportunities for her, and again maybe she will come back West. I do know that the best part of my life was watching my children grow, even though I might have not realized it at the time.
Saturday, October 1, 2011
One Year Anniversary of My Father's Death
Today is the one year anniversary of my father's death. I am remembering him with all of the good memories he left me with. He was always kind to me, I was his baby and I loved it. He was the one man in my life that I knew would always be there for me. Loved me no matter what and he always had a way to just make me feel secure.
My dad was my rock after my son's death. He would call me everyday to see how I was doing. He would chat about how much both of us missed Brandon. He loved Brandon so much and I knew he understood my pain and most importantly he would talk about it with me. He had suffered many losses in his life and I think this enabled him to be opened about his feelings. So many struggle with this after a death, they don't know what to say or they don't want to talk about it because it hurts too much.
My father loved my children in the same way he love me during my childhood. He was a wonderful grandpa, always attending all of their sporting event, birthdays and just truly enjoying them. He would sneak candy to the kids before breakfast when my mother wasn't looking, just because he knew they would like the treat. He understood Brandon better than anyone. I relied on him to help me with Brandon, especially when he was being unruly. Dad could always reason with Brandon, when no one else was able. I think this must have been because Brandon sensed that unconditional love he gave and probably felt safe and secure with him, just as I did. There were so many times that he came to get Brandon or Brandon went over to his house when things were not going well at home or when trouble was brewing. My dad could calm Brandon like no other. God not only gave me a great dad, but also I great mentor for my son.
I remember Brandon telling me that he could never go to my parents funeral. He didn't have to endure that, he left us first. I went to the grave to put flowers on my dad's grave and Brandon's, I didn't cry for the first time at the grave. I still felt numb, broken hearted and had such a longing to talk to both of them, but my tears didn't come as usual. As I sat at the graves, I looked at both the tombstones, thinking about these two men who mean the world to me and about how much they both taught me about life. I miss them, but I am also very grateful to have had them in my life.
Thank you dad for loving me, giving me the foundation I need to be strong. Life has thrown some pretty big curve balls my way, but I feel that you helped me know that I will survive, taught me to stand up for myself and gave me confidence to live life on my terms, and "to hell with everyone else" as you would have said, to those who have brought turmoil into my life. You are and always will be my hero.
My dad was my rock after my son's death. He would call me everyday to see how I was doing. He would chat about how much both of us missed Brandon. He loved Brandon so much and I knew he understood my pain and most importantly he would talk about it with me. He had suffered many losses in his life and I think this enabled him to be opened about his feelings. So many struggle with this after a death, they don't know what to say or they don't want to talk about it because it hurts too much.
My father loved my children in the same way he love me during my childhood. He was a wonderful grandpa, always attending all of their sporting event, birthdays and just truly enjoying them. He would sneak candy to the kids before breakfast when my mother wasn't looking, just because he knew they would like the treat. He understood Brandon better than anyone. I relied on him to help me with Brandon, especially when he was being unruly. Dad could always reason with Brandon, when no one else was able. I think this must have been because Brandon sensed that unconditional love he gave and probably felt safe and secure with him, just as I did. There were so many times that he came to get Brandon or Brandon went over to his house when things were not going well at home or when trouble was brewing. My dad could calm Brandon like no other. God not only gave me a great dad, but also I great mentor for my son.
I remember Brandon telling me that he could never go to my parents funeral. He didn't have to endure that, he left us first. I went to the grave to put flowers on my dad's grave and Brandon's, I didn't cry for the first time at the grave. I still felt numb, broken hearted and had such a longing to talk to both of them, but my tears didn't come as usual. As I sat at the graves, I looked at both the tombstones, thinking about these two men who mean the world to me and about how much they both taught me about life. I miss them, but I am also very grateful to have had them in my life.
Thank you dad for loving me, giving me the foundation I need to be strong. Life has thrown some pretty big curve balls my way, but I feel that you helped me know that I will survive, taught me to stand up for myself and gave me confidence to live life on my terms, and "to hell with everyone else" as you would have said, to those who have brought turmoil into my life. You are and always will be my hero.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Sympathy Cards - Death of a Child, The Card No One Ever Wants to Get or Give
I was waiting for a prescription yesterday, so I decided to browse through their selection of greeting cards. As I looked over the cards, I noticed that in the sympathy section, there were cards for loss of parents, loss of spouse, loss of grandparents, loss of job and even loss of a pet. Being a parent who has lost a child, I was surprised that this pharmacy didn't have any sympathy for the loss of a child. I know that many stores carry them, but still they are limited.
This speaks volumes of the trauma of losing a child. It leads me to believe the odds of losing a child are much less than losing any other members of your family. So again I ask myself why did I have to experience this? Why did my brother's family have to live with this grief too? Just seems unfair for so much pain to be put upon one family.
Many people feel that accidents just happen. God gives us free will and by doing this he isn't able to protect us. I have another view, I have to think that when we are born we all have a day already set to die. Some of us live to be old and gray, others are taken way too early in our views. I feel that we are all put on earth to learn lessons, when these lessons are mastered then it is time to go on to a better world. I believe in God, but I also believe that is it possible for our souls to be reborn after we die, that is why some of us seem like "old souls", we have already learned some important lessons and are much wiser.
This analogy helps me cope with my son's death. He was with us long enough to learn his lessons, we don't like that God took him so quickly, but I just cannot believe death is just random. My father's one year anniversary of his death is nearing. October 1st will be another sad day, then October 3rd another one, because that is his birthday. My father lived to almost 90 years old, my son lived to almost 19. I have to believe that both were here long enough for their souls to evolve enough to go onto the next level. That level might be heaven, or again I believe it might be rebirth.
Life is precious, no matter what our age. I have learned this life lesson, I have learned that it is possible to live with grief and pain that some think would kill them. It isn't easy, quite honestly it is very difficult, because I think I handle my father's death much better than my son's, I miss them both. But even after 10 years the pain of the grief over my son's death is still razor sharp, cutting me deeper some days more than others.
Maybe this is the reason there isn't much of a variety of sympathy cards for the loss of a child, it is just too depressing for people to think about, too morbid to write about.
This speaks volumes of the trauma of losing a child. It leads me to believe the odds of losing a child are much less than losing any other members of your family. So again I ask myself why did I have to experience this? Why did my brother's family have to live with this grief too? Just seems unfair for so much pain to be put upon one family.
Many people feel that accidents just happen. God gives us free will and by doing this he isn't able to protect us. I have another view, I have to think that when we are born we all have a day already set to die. Some of us live to be old and gray, others are taken way too early in our views. I feel that we are all put on earth to learn lessons, when these lessons are mastered then it is time to go on to a better world. I believe in God, but I also believe that is it possible for our souls to be reborn after we die, that is why some of us seem like "old souls", we have already learned some important lessons and are much wiser.
This analogy helps me cope with my son's death. He was with us long enough to learn his lessons, we don't like that God took him so quickly, but I just cannot believe death is just random. My father's one year anniversary of his death is nearing. October 1st will be another sad day, then October 3rd another one, because that is his birthday. My father lived to almost 90 years old, my son lived to almost 19. I have to believe that both were here long enough for their souls to evolve enough to go onto the next level. That level might be heaven, or again I believe it might be rebirth.
Life is precious, no matter what our age. I have learned this life lesson, I have learned that it is possible to live with grief and pain that some think would kill them. It isn't easy, quite honestly it is very difficult, because I think I handle my father's death much better than my son's, I miss them both. But even after 10 years the pain of the grief over my son's death is still razor sharp, cutting me deeper some days more than others.
Maybe this is the reason there isn't much of a variety of sympathy cards for the loss of a child, it is just too depressing for people to think about, too morbid to write about.
Monday, September 5, 2011
Birthdays
Another year has gone by in my life and I am ready to start on the 53rd year of my time here on earth. Every birthday, holiday or big event we have there is someone missing. It will always be this way for my family. It is difficult to balance the joy of the occasion with the sadness we feel because Brandon isn't here to celebrate with us. I miss my dad too this year, my rock is gone.
I often wonder how it is possible that I continued to have birthdays, when my son's were cut short at 18, he missed his 19th birthday by 9 days. No matter how much time goes by, the grief I feel will always rears it head and hit me hard on these days. Tears cleanse the soul, this is what I believe so I don't try to contain them. When you love a child, you cannot just stop because they are not here. The love continues and I just simply miss him. Thank God I have Brittni, I love her so much, I am blessed to have her.
Brandon's death has affected me in many different ways. I feel that I have learned what is really important to me and it isn't what the general population perceives as important. In my opinion, too many people are always racing to find happiness in material things, becoming more successful in their life (more often than not that means with their jobs and social standing), smile and put on false faces just because they think it is the proper thing to do. I have watched this so many times, been in their shoes in the past, but now I know that happiness comes from simple things, being true to what one thinks even if others don't like it and giving unconditional love to our children. No matter how much we argue with our kids, no matter how much they misbehave, there is nothing worst than losing them forever. I would take all the headaches that come with raising children any day over the pain of losing one.
My son's death has made me realize that happiness really is achieved through simple things, basic things and we all get caught up too much in striving to be successful. I have experienced this first hand, people justify whatever they do if they feel it is beneficial to them no matter who it hurts. I wish I could say that I also learned forgiveness from Brandon's death, but in fact I think it has made me less forgiving. I resent people who don't appreciate what they have, make excuses for their actions and justify what they do to others. I find that there are many self centered people in our world, ready to take what they need to make themselves happy or at least what they think makes them happy. I know I need to be more forgiving maybe I will find this in my heart someday, but not today, today I feel anger, anger that my child is not here with me, anger that people use others for their benefit, anger that people choose to put on fake smiles, especially if they need something from someone, and what is really sad that often it is the people who are suppose to be close.
I hope that maybe this year my heart will soften a bit, maybe not be so hard on the human race. But I just wish more people would keep it real......not pretend because it is in their be interest to do so. I guess I am jaded, but at least I admit it. Someday I will learn that it really is in my best interest to let everything go, just not today. But today I do feel loved and I appreciate all my birthday wishes, that is one of the simple things that make me happy. And I do know that every year I get wiser, this is the gift that we get for growing older.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Just Another Sunday for Most, But Not For My Brother and His Family
Today is just another Sunday for most, but for my brother's family it is a day of grief. It has been four months since their grandson lost his life, he left behind many grieving for him. Some people tell them that it will get better with time, but at this point for them it seems as if it is getting worst. This is what happens when you lose a child, you never think it will happen, but when it does your world changes forever.
Time helps you get use to feeling the pain, but it takes a long time to even get to that point. People don't understand that this type of lost isn't one that gets better quickly. You grieve long and hard, even after ten years I am still grieving, I will continue until my last breath. But as I do look back, I am better now, this is something I was told would happen by a parent who had lost a child. When I was told this, I thought to myself, "maybe for you, but not for me", because I was in such deep despair I couldn't see any light at the end of the tunnel. But time does help heal some of that raw, deep cutting pain, I know that now.
I guess everyone has their own time line for grief. I just know that for me it has been a long road that will never end. It has taken me many years to get better, but it has happened, something at one point I thought was impossible. I think of Brandon everyday, miss him, wish he was here, but now I am able to look upon my future with some brightness, that is a good feeling. My daughter, Brittni, has and always will be my light that I see at the end of the tunnel. I am looking forward to watching that light brighten as the years go on. I am fortunate to have her and I am grateful that I have the opportunity to watch her as she establishes herself in this world.
I pray for my brother's family, because I know that this is such a hard time. My hearts breaks for all of them, because I know what they have ahead to endure. I hope that they will see their light at the end of the tunnel, even if it takes what seems like forever.
Time helps you get use to feeling the pain, but it takes a long time to even get to that point. People don't understand that this type of lost isn't one that gets better quickly. You grieve long and hard, even after ten years I am still grieving, I will continue until my last breath. But as I do look back, I am better now, this is something I was told would happen by a parent who had lost a child. When I was told this, I thought to myself, "maybe for you, but not for me", because I was in such deep despair I couldn't see any light at the end of the tunnel. But time does help heal some of that raw, deep cutting pain, I know that now.
I guess everyone has their own time line for grief. I just know that for me it has been a long road that will never end. It has taken me many years to get better, but it has happened, something at one point I thought was impossible. I think of Brandon everyday, miss him, wish he was here, but now I am able to look upon my future with some brightness, that is a good feeling. My daughter, Brittni, has and always will be my light that I see at the end of the tunnel. I am looking forward to watching that light brighten as the years go on. I am fortunate to have her and I am grateful that I have the opportunity to watch her as she establishes herself in this world.
I pray for my brother's family, because I know that this is such a hard time. My hearts breaks for all of them, because I know what they have ahead to endure. I hope that they will see their light at the end of the tunnel, even if it takes what seems like forever.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
No Matter Where I Am .... I Miss My Son
Just returned home from a wonderful trip to Thailand. I was so fortunate to be able to share part of this trip with my daughter, Brittni. One reason that I make a point to give her the opportunity to travel is I only was able to give Brandon a small taste of traveling.
The summer after his death our family went to Europe. It was a trip that we had planned and Brandon was looking so forward to it. That trip was so hard, everything that I saw reminded me of how much Brandon would have enjoyed seeing Europe. The problem with life is we never know what is going to happen in the future, when planning this trip it never crossed my mind that my son would not be with us because of a car accident that took his life. During this trip we went through the motions of trying to enjoy ourselves, all of us, but in reality we were still reeling from Brandon's death and the each one of us were dealing with it in our own way. I am glad we made the trip, but the void of not having Brandon there was heartbreaking.
To this day, no matter where I go, I think of what Brandon would think of the places I visit. It doesn't matter where I am, he is always on my mind, even after ten years. Brittni also gets upset when we travel together, she shared with me that maybe it is because of that trip to Europe we took the summer Brandon died. He was suppose to be there with us and he wasn't. She always cries during our trip at least once, telling me how much she misses her brother. This breaks my heart, because I know she is in pain, just as I am still.
Brandon would have loved traveling to exotic places. He was so open to everything and he would have thoroughly enjoyed experiencing all there was to offer in different areas of the world. Of course, he would have been the first to go out to experience the night life. On one trip that we did take together to Whistler, Canada, he and his friend, Erik Hunt went out for the nightlife, , they ran into a young man that stayed out too late and missed his ride to his hotel, I think he was with a group traveling. Brandon and Erik came back to our condo and with them was this kid, we didn't know him, Brandon had just met him that night. Brandon knew he had missed his ride, so he decided that he needed a place to stay that night and being the type of person that he was he offered to bring him home. Again, this showed Brandon's character of kindness and openness, he was always willing to trust in others and help them when needed. Some who knew Brandon would say he had a wild streak in him, I would agree. But with this free spirit, his soul was generous and kind. Many incidents in is life showed this side of him, I wish I would have been able to see how this would have manifested in adulthood.
No matter where Jay, Brittni and I go, Brandon is always there in our hearts and minds. It just hurts that he isn't present with us physically. For the rest of our lives we will miss him, no matter where we are. For me traveling is therapeutic, for moments I can escape all the painful memories of Brandon's death, but then it hits me that he should be with me experiencing these things and all of the pain comes flooding back. I know it is the same for Brittni and I am sure for Jay too, he just doesn't show it as much, I guess that is a man's way.
No matter where I go in the world, no matter what I am doing, I miss my son. This is such a burden to carry, a pain that cannot be stopped, but I don't really want to stop missing him, the memories of him is what keeps him alive within me. I just have to learn to process these memories with more happiness than sadness. This is something even now after ten years I am still working on.
The summer after his death our family went to Europe. It was a trip that we had planned and Brandon was looking so forward to it. That trip was so hard, everything that I saw reminded me of how much Brandon would have enjoyed seeing Europe. The problem with life is we never know what is going to happen in the future, when planning this trip it never crossed my mind that my son would not be with us because of a car accident that took his life. During this trip we went through the motions of trying to enjoy ourselves, all of us, but in reality we were still reeling from Brandon's death and the each one of us were dealing with it in our own way. I am glad we made the trip, but the void of not having Brandon there was heartbreaking.
To this day, no matter where I go, I think of what Brandon would think of the places I visit. It doesn't matter where I am, he is always on my mind, even after ten years. Brittni also gets upset when we travel together, she shared with me that maybe it is because of that trip to Europe we took the summer Brandon died. He was suppose to be there with us and he wasn't. She always cries during our trip at least once, telling me how much she misses her brother. This breaks my heart, because I know she is in pain, just as I am still.
Brandon would have loved traveling to exotic places. He was so open to everything and he would have thoroughly enjoyed experiencing all there was to offer in different areas of the world. Of course, he would have been the first to go out to experience the night life. On one trip that we did take together to Whistler, Canada, he and his friend, Erik Hunt went out for the nightlife, , they ran into a young man that stayed out too late and missed his ride to his hotel, I think he was with a group traveling. Brandon and Erik came back to our condo and with them was this kid, we didn't know him, Brandon had just met him that night. Brandon knew he had missed his ride, so he decided that he needed a place to stay that night and being the type of person that he was he offered to bring him home. Again, this showed Brandon's character of kindness and openness, he was always willing to trust in others and help them when needed. Some who knew Brandon would say he had a wild streak in him, I would agree. But with this free spirit, his soul was generous and kind. Many incidents in is life showed this side of him, I wish I would have been able to see how this would have manifested in adulthood.
No matter where Jay, Brittni and I go, Brandon is always there in our hearts and minds. It just hurts that he isn't present with us physically. For the rest of our lives we will miss him, no matter where we are. For me traveling is therapeutic, for moments I can escape all the painful memories of Brandon's death, but then it hits me that he should be with me experiencing these things and all of the pain comes flooding back. I know it is the same for Brittni and I am sure for Jay too, he just doesn't show it as much, I guess that is a man's way.
No matter where I go in the world, no matter what I am doing, I miss my son. This is such a burden to carry, a pain that cannot be stopped, but I don't really want to stop missing him, the memories of him is what keeps him alive within me. I just have to learn to process these memories with more happiness than sadness. This is something even now after ten years I am still working on.
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Mother's Day
Mother's Day is a day to show appreciation to your mother for all she has done for you. My mother is strong willed, even though she has alzheimer disease her will still at times shines through. She never had to tell me how much she loved me, I just knew by her actions. Never was there a time in my life did I question if she loved me or not. She was tough and strict, as I was growing up, I didn't always agree with her, but I always loved her. She spanked me when I was younger, told me when she thought I was wrong and very opinionated. I have turned out to be like my mother. I have the same traits and I am proud of her for raising me to be the woman that I am. She taught me morals and pulled me back in line when I step out of the boundaries. She taught me that no matter how tough things get or how much we argued she would always be there for me when times got tough. My mother held our family together, it is hard to see her the way she is now. But then again she seems to be okay and no longer has to worry about things like she use to.
I am not the easiest person to get along with, because I was speak my mind, even sometimes when I should hold my tongue. As a mother, I love my children with all my heart, just the way my mother taught be by her actions. This isn't to say that having me as a mother is an easy task, just ask Brittni. I can be difficult, but I also know that she feels that I love her unconditionally. This is the most important thing for me, to let my child know that I will always be there for her, no matter what. I am like a mother bear when it comes to protecting my child, I can do and say whatever I want, but others better beware if they bring any harm to her in anyway.
Mother's Days is a difficult time for me, because Brandon is not here. It makes me sad and as much as I hate to admit it, a bit jealous of all the mothers who have all their children still with them. I know it isn't fair for me to feel this way, I would not wish the pain of losing on a child on anyone, even my worst enemy. But I still cannot help that emotion from rearing it's ugly head. I am damaged and I know that, broken like a glass vase that you glue back together. It stays together for the most part, but sometimes it just falls apart and breaks again in the same place. That is how your heart feels after you have lost a child. A feeling my family know much too well.
This Mother's Day I am going to think about how proud I am of my daughter, Brittni, who is graduating college in May. I will also think of all the good times I had with Brandon. I am glad that I had the opportunity to know the love that a mother has for her children. I am thankful to be a mother and always thankful for having the mother that I did.
I am not the easiest person to get along with, because I was speak my mind, even sometimes when I should hold my tongue. As a mother, I love my children with all my heart, just the way my mother taught be by her actions. This isn't to say that having me as a mother is an easy task, just ask Brittni. I can be difficult, but I also know that she feels that I love her unconditionally. This is the most important thing for me, to let my child know that I will always be there for her, no matter what. I am like a mother bear when it comes to protecting my child, I can do and say whatever I want, but others better beware if they bring any harm to her in anyway.
Mother's Days is a difficult time for me, because Brandon is not here. It makes me sad and as much as I hate to admit it, a bit jealous of all the mothers who have all their children still with them. I know it isn't fair for me to feel this way, I would not wish the pain of losing on a child on anyone, even my worst enemy. But I still cannot help that emotion from rearing it's ugly head. I am damaged and I know that, broken like a glass vase that you glue back together. It stays together for the most part, but sometimes it just falls apart and breaks again in the same place. That is how your heart feels after you have lost a child. A feeling my family know much too well.
This Mother's Day I am going to think about how proud I am of my daughter, Brittni, who is graduating college in May. I will also think of all the good times I had with Brandon. I am glad that I had the opportunity to know the love that a mother has for her children. I am thankful to be a mother and always thankful for having the mother that I did.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Celebration of Life Chase Dupree
A Celebration of Life was held yesterday in Susanville, California for Chase Dupree. It is sad to think that such an event had to be planned, life is so unpredictable. Everything seems to be going along just fine, then all of a sudden, something happens that turns your world upside down. I know that my brother's family is hurting, trying to process in their minds the fact that they have lost a child. This isn't a easy task, because it is just not natural and way too horrible to even imagine.
I did not attend the Celebration of Life, but Cathy, my sister-in-law, wrote that it was a success. Balloons were released up into the heavens for Chase, I am sure he was watching from above wishing he could take away the pain that everyone was feeling. It is wonderful to have events like these for those of us who have lost a child, it hurts, but at the same time it is comforting to feel the love that radiates from everyone attending. Chase was loved and he will be remembered by all who knew him, he left his imprint on this earth, even though he only resided here 13 years. I hope everyone shared and keeps sharing stories about Chase to his family, this helps, to be reassured that his memory lives on with others.
Chase's family decided to donate his functioning organs to help others. I cannot fathom how hard this would be, we didn't do this when my son died, but I think is one of the most selfless and generous gifts that can be given. A part of Chase will live on physically in someone else, he has given another child the gift of life. I am proud that my family had the strength and generosity to do this. It speaks volumes of the character of this family. Even in agony, they were able to see through the pain to help someone else.
I wasn't at the Celebration of Life for Chase, but he was on my mind all day yesterday and today. I will think of Chase often, say a prayer for him to help his family through the days and years ahead. I believe that he will find a way to let them know that his spirit lives on, I think he might have already have done this. I know that Brandon gave me signs, some might think they were coincidences, but I know better, you soul can just feel it.
Chase has his wings now, he has family with him, a great grandmother, two great grandfathers and a young angel named Brandon to help him learn the ropes of heaven. I know this doesn't help the family, because all they really want is Chase here with them. But I know that I did find some a bit of peace knowing that when my dad passed, he would be with Brandon. I know that in the end we will all end up together.
I did not attend the Celebration of Life, but Cathy, my sister-in-law, wrote that it was a success. Balloons were released up into the heavens for Chase, I am sure he was watching from above wishing he could take away the pain that everyone was feeling. It is wonderful to have events like these for those of us who have lost a child, it hurts, but at the same time it is comforting to feel the love that radiates from everyone attending. Chase was loved and he will be remembered by all who knew him, he left his imprint on this earth, even though he only resided here 13 years. I hope everyone shared and keeps sharing stories about Chase to his family, this helps, to be reassured that his memory lives on with others.
Chase's family decided to donate his functioning organs to help others. I cannot fathom how hard this would be, we didn't do this when my son died, but I think is one of the most selfless and generous gifts that can be given. A part of Chase will live on physically in someone else, he has given another child the gift of life. I am proud that my family had the strength and generosity to do this. It speaks volumes of the character of this family. Even in agony, they were able to see through the pain to help someone else.
I wasn't at the Celebration of Life for Chase, but he was on my mind all day yesterday and today. I will think of Chase often, say a prayer for him to help his family through the days and years ahead. I believe that he will find a way to let them know that his spirit lives on, I think he might have already have done this. I know that Brandon gave me signs, some might think they were coincidences, but I know better, you soul can just feel it.
Chase has his wings now, he has family with him, a great grandmother, two great grandfathers and a young angel named Brandon to help him learn the ropes of heaven. I know this doesn't help the family, because all they really want is Chase here with them. But I know that I did find some a bit of peace knowing that when my dad passed, he would be with Brandon. I know that in the end we will all end up together.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Why????
I received some horrible news this past week about my great nephew, Chase Dupree, and again I ask myself the question why horrible things have to happen. Chase and his friend were chasing a squirrel near his home and it ran into a pipe. So the boys picked up the pipe to get the squirrel and the pipe hit the electrical wire above on the pole. This act sent an electrical shock into Chase and his friend. Both boys were injured, Chase's friend was release from the hospital, but the damage from the shock has left Chase lying in a hospital bed hooked up to life support.
This thirteen year old boy and his family have been robbed of his future. An accident that changed all of their lives within minutes. I know the feeling, again I ask why do we have to suffer pain like this, why does life have to be so dfficult and why do we have to see our love ones suffer. Chase has a loving family who is devastated, this family has been through so much trauma, I don't know why God would put any more on their shoulders to bear.
My heart aches for his mother, father,, grandmothers, grandfathers, aunts, uncles, cousins, siblings and friends. They have all been their by his bedside having to watch this young boy, who was full of life just days ago, now filled with tubes and machines keeping him alive. The pain and trauma of this type of accident impacts everyone of them. Why do people have to experience this? Some say God never gives you more than you can bear, but at moments like these I question that statement.
This incident is another example how your life can change in just moments, for some of us we have to experience more pain than others it seems. I also ask, why? I know from my son's death that we learn lessons from pain, but I don't think it is fair and at times like these it makes me realize that we never know what we may have to face from day to day.
I wish I knew words to help my family members during this time, but I know from my own personal experience, that there are no words that can help. The heart and soul is broken when we hear news like this, the pain is not only emotional but physical as well. We seek answers to why this had to happen, but there are no answer, no reason and we are left with pain. I watched my family during my visit at the hospital and saw the same emotions that I went through. Why is life so hard? Why do we have to experience trauma and be expected to keep walking through life. I still search for these answers.
This thirteen year old boy and his family have been robbed of his future. An accident that changed all of their lives within minutes. I know the feeling, again I ask why do we have to suffer pain like this, why does life have to be so dfficult and why do we have to see our love ones suffer. Chase has a loving family who is devastated, this family has been through so much trauma, I don't know why God would put any more on their shoulders to bear.
My heart aches for his mother, father,, grandmothers, grandfathers, aunts, uncles, cousins, siblings and friends. They have all been their by his bedside having to watch this young boy, who was full of life just days ago, now filled with tubes and machines keeping him alive. The pain and trauma of this type of accident impacts everyone of them. Why do people have to experience this? Some say God never gives you more than you can bear, but at moments like these I question that statement.
This incident is another example how your life can change in just moments, for some of us we have to experience more pain than others it seems. I also ask, why? I know from my son's death that we learn lessons from pain, but I don't think it is fair and at times like these it makes me realize that we never know what we may have to face from day to day.
I wish I knew words to help my family members during this time, but I know from my own personal experience, that there are no words that can help. The heart and soul is broken when we hear news like this, the pain is not only emotional but physical as well. We seek answers to why this had to happen, but there are no answer, no reason and we are left with pain. I watched my family during my visit at the hospital and saw the same emotions that I went through. Why is life so hard? Why do we have to experience trauma and be expected to keep walking through life. I still search for these answers.
Monday, February 14, 2011
The Count Down Has Begun
The count down has begun, February 14th, five more days until the day that my life turned upside down nine years ago February 19th, I can honestly say that was the darkest day that I have yet experienced in my life. Brandon's death occurred nine years ago, I have looked back into my journals and see that I have made progress with my grief. It isn't as raw as it once was, but it still hurts, aches is more the word that appropriately describes it. After the 19th, then 9 more days until the February 28th, Brandon's birthday. February is a month that is hard for me, I cannot wait until March, then I know I have made it through another year facing the month of February. Life is not easy for anyone, but for those of us who have lost children, our world is very different. We know the reality of having a child die before their parent, very unnatural, it just isn't suppose to be that way. We do not have the opportunity to watch that child, who we gave life to, go on with their future. We ourselves do go on, watch our other children grow, this gives us joy, because we know what a gift this is, something others might take for granted. The death of my child has given me clarity on many things, put life in perspective, has taught me that you really don't know what you have until it is gone. We can lose many things in our life that we believe is important, but until you have experienced the loss of a child, I feel you don't fully understand that what you think is important might not be at all. My daughter is my top priority in my life, even though she is almost 22 years old, I feel blessed that God gave her to me. She literally saved me, without her I don't think I could have survived Brandon's death. I wish again that I didn't have to learn this lesson through my son's death. I wish I could go back in time knowing what I know now and tell Brandon how much I love him, I know I would handle things differently if I could. The days of February are sorrowful for me, but I will celebrate March, the month that I was blessed with my daughter. I just wish I could have been able to watch both of my children grow into adults. I often wonder what Brandon would be doing now with his life, maybe he was spared from the turmoil that we all experience during our lifetimes, the sadness, disappointment, but he also missed out on the joys. I have to believe that he is now in heaven with my dad, watching over us. I feel positive that I will see him again, I have to hold on to that.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
February is Approaching
I don't know how to explain it, but here I am writing in this blog to see if it helps me relieve some of my anxiety that I am feeling knowing that the month of February is approaching. I am trying to iron shirts this morning and my mind just keeps thinking that the dreaded month of February will be here soon. It is as if my whole nervous system is on high alert, I feel as if I am ready to crawl out of my own skin.
If will be nine years since my son died and still I feel this way as the day of his death gets closer. Then his birthday comes nine days later, I am angry that I don't have him to celebrate with. I often wonder if I will ever get over this feeling, but year after year, I feel the same way.
You have to have experienced this type of trauma to understand it, because it is so hard to explain. Not only does my mind race, but my body, my heart hurts. I write in this blog to help me with my emotions. Sometimes when I feel like this, I really feel a bit crazy, I am a control freak and I cannot control my own feelings and it drives me over the edge.
So again, I write in this blog and take a deep breath, try to understand that this is something I will have to live with my entire life and as time goes on I just cope, hopefully better with each passing year. I think that is wishful thinking, because it doesn't get better, I just accept the reality that my son is gone and I need to do my best to go on with my life.
If will be nine years since my son died and still I feel this way as the day of his death gets closer. Then his birthday comes nine days later, I am angry that I don't have him to celebrate with. I often wonder if I will ever get over this feeling, but year after year, I feel the same way.
You have to have experienced this type of trauma to understand it, because it is so hard to explain. Not only does my mind race, but my body, my heart hurts. I write in this blog to help me with my emotions. Sometimes when I feel like this, I really feel a bit crazy, I am a control freak and I cannot control my own feelings and it drives me over the edge.
So again, I write in this blog and take a deep breath, try to understand that this is something I will have to live with my entire life and as time goes on I just cope, hopefully better with each passing year. I think that is wishful thinking, because it doesn't get better, I just accept the reality that my son is gone and I need to do my best to go on with my life.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Grateful Today for Lessons Taught
Grief is something that never ends, it grows weaker but it is always there. It affects me in so many different ways, sometimes I am just angry, other times I feel sad and then there is that feeling that something is wrong or something awful is going to happen. I try to face these feelings and realize that these are normal for a parent who has lost a child, but I wish I could just make them go away. I do accomplish and live my life pretty normal, whatever normal is. Everyone has their own interpretation of normal.
This year I am going to make an effort to take care of myself better. I have some ideas on what I want to do, now I just need to do them. I am so blessed to have been raised by two parents who loved me, my father was a special man who taught me about the important things in life. I love my brothers and they love me. My daughter is my light, I am so excited for her to start her journey after college, I know I will be proud of her, I wish her happiness and adventure. I would like to think that I can take a bit of that unconditional love my dad showed me and give it back to her. All of these people I have mentioned I know I can count on in my dark times. My mother might not be able to show me that she understands what I am saying, but when I go by and talk to her, I feel that we connect. I need to go more often, it is hard since my dad has died, because I miss him not being there too. My brothers make me feel secure, being around both of them gives me a peaceful feeling. My daughter and I argue at times, but she knows that I love her more than life and I know she loves me. As I have said, she is my light and keeps me looking toward the future.
I thank God that I was raised in a household that taught me that blood (family) is important and that my siblings feel that also. I am sad that Brandon had to leave and Brittni doesn't have this same connection in her life. I know he would have been there for her no matter what, that was the way Brandon was, even though he didn't always show it. He was protective of his sister. I have to believe that Brandon and my Dad are now helping me on my journey of life, by the things that they both taught me while they were here. I have a feeling I am going to need all the knowledge and strength that I can find to make this a good year and full of right decisions. I am determined to improve myself.
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