Birthdays

Another year has gone by in my life and I am ready to start on the 53rd year of my time here on earth.  Every birthday, holiday or big event we have there is someone missing.  It will always be this way for my family. It is difficult to balance the joy of the occasion with the sadness we feel because Brandon isn't here to celebrate with us.  I miss my dad too this year, my rock is gone.

I often wonder how it is possible that I continued to have birthdays, when my son's were cut short at 18, he missed his 19th birthday by 9 days.  No matter how much time goes by, the grief I feel will always rears it head and hit me hard on these days.  Tears cleanse the soul, this is what I believe so I don't try to contain them.  When you love a child, you cannot just stop because they are not here.  The love continues and I just simply miss him.   Thank God I have Brittni, I love her so much, I am blessed to have her. 

Brandon's death has affected me in many different ways.  I feel that I have learned what is really important to me and it isn't what the general population perceives as important.  In my opinion, too many people are always racing to find happiness in material things, becoming more successful in their life (more often than not that means with their jobs and social standing), smile and put on false faces just because they think it is the proper thing to do.  I have watched this so many times, been in their shoes in the past, but now I know that happiness comes from simple things, being true to what one thinks even if others don't like it and giving unconditional love to our children.  No matter how much we argue with our kids, no matter how much they misbehave, there is nothing worst than losing them forever.  I would take all the headaches that come with raising children any day over the pain of losing one.

My son's death has made me realize that happiness really is achieved through simple things, basic things and we all get caught up too much in striving to be successful.  I have experienced this first hand, people justify whatever they do if they feel it is beneficial to them no matter who it hurts. I wish I could say that I also learned forgiveness from Brandon's death, but in fact I think it has made me less forgiving.  I resent people who don't appreciate what they have, make excuses for their actions and justify what they do to others.  I find that there are many self centered people in our world, ready to take what they need to make themselves happy or at least what they think makes them happy.  I know I need to be more forgiving maybe I will find this in my heart someday, but not today, today I feel anger, anger that my child is not here with me, anger that people use others for their benefit, anger that people choose to put on fake smiles, especially if they need something from someone,  and what is really sad that often it is the people who are suppose to be close.  

I hope that maybe this year my heart will soften a bit, maybe not be so hard on the human race.  But I just wish more people would keep it real......not pretend because it is in their be interest to do so.  I guess I am jaded, but at least I admit it.  Someday I will learn that it really is in my best interest to let everything go, just not today.  But today I do feel loved and I appreciate all my birthday wishes, that is one of the simple things that make me happy.  And I do know that every year I get wiser, this is the gift that we get for growing older.