February is Approaching

I don't know how to explain it, but here I am writing in this blog to see if it helps me relieve some of my anxiety that I am feeling knowing that the month of February is approaching.  I am trying to iron shirts this morning and my mind just keeps thinking that the dreaded month of February will be here soon.  It is as if my whole nervous system is on high alert, I feel as if I am ready to crawl out of my own skin.

If will be nine years since my son died and still I feel this way as the day of his death gets closer.  Then his birthday comes nine days later, I am angry that I don't have him to celebrate with.  I often wonder if I will ever get over this feeling, but year after year, I feel the same way.

You have to have experienced this type of trauma to understand it, because it is so hard to explain.  Not only does my mind race, but my body, my heart hurts.  I write in this blog to help me with my emotions.  Sometimes when I feel like this, I really feel a bit crazy, I am a control freak and I cannot control my own feelings and it drives me over the edge.

So again, I write in this blog and take a deep breath, try to understand that this is something I will have to live with my entire life and as time goes on I just cope, hopefully better with each passing year.  I think that is wishful thinking, because it doesn't get better, I just accept the reality that my son is gone and I need to do my best to go on with my life.

Grateful Today for Lessons Taught

Grief is something that never ends, it grows weaker but it is always there.  It affects me in so many different ways, sometimes I am just angry, other times I feel sad and then there is that feeling that something is wrong or something awful is going to happen.  I try to face these feelings and realize that these are normal for a parent who has lost a child, but I wish I could just make them go away.  I do accomplish and live my life pretty normal, whatever normal is.  Everyone has their own interpretation of normal.  

This year I am going to make an effort to take care of myself better.  I have some ideas on what I want to do, now I just need to do them.  I am so blessed to have been raised by two parents who loved me, my father was a special man who taught me about the important things in life.  I love my brothers and they love me.  My daughter is my light, I am so excited for her to start her journey after college, I know I will be proud of her, I wish her happiness and adventure.  I would like to think that I can take a bit of that unconditional love my dad showed me and give it back to her.   All of these people I have mentioned I know I can count on in my dark times.  My mother might not be able to show me that she understands what I am saying, but when I go by and talk to her, I feel that we connect.  I need to go more often, it is hard since my dad has died, because I miss him not being there too.  My brothers make me feel secure, being around both of them gives me a peaceful feeling.  My daughter and I argue at times, but she knows that I love her more than life and I know she loves me. As I have said, she is my light and keeps me looking toward the future.  

I thank God that I was raised in a household that taught me that blood (family) is important and that my siblings feel that also.  I am sad that Brandon had to leave and Brittni doesn't have this same connection in her life.  I know he would have been there for her no matter what, that was the way Brandon was, even though he didn't always show it.  He was protective of his sister.  I have to believe that Brandon and my Dad are now helping me on my journey of life, by the things that they both taught me while they were here.  I have a feeling I am going to need all the knowledge and strength that I can find to make this a good year and full of right decisions.   I am determined to improve myself.