Grateful Today for Lessons Taught

Grief is something that never ends, it grows weaker but it is always there.  It affects me in so many different ways, sometimes I am just angry, other times I feel sad and then there is that feeling that something is wrong or something awful is going to happen.  I try to face these feelings and realize that these are normal for a parent who has lost a child, but I wish I could just make them go away.  I do accomplish and live my life pretty normal, whatever normal is.  Everyone has their own interpretation of normal.  

This year I am going to make an effort to take care of myself better.  I have some ideas on what I want to do, now I just need to do them.  I am so blessed to have been raised by two parents who loved me, my father was a special man who taught me about the important things in life.  I love my brothers and they love me.  My daughter is my light, I am so excited for her to start her journey after college, I know I will be proud of her, I wish her happiness and adventure.  I would like to think that I can take a bit of that unconditional love my dad showed me and give it back to her.   All of these people I have mentioned I know I can count on in my dark times.  My mother might not be able to show me that she understands what I am saying, but when I go by and talk to her, I feel that we connect.  I need to go more often, it is hard since my dad has died, because I miss him not being there too.  My brothers make me feel secure, being around both of them gives me a peaceful feeling.  My daughter and I argue at times, but she knows that I love her more than life and I know she loves me. As I have said, she is my light and keeps me looking toward the future.  

I thank God that I was raised in a household that taught me that blood (family) is important and that my siblings feel that also.  I am sad that Brandon had to leave and Brittni doesn't have this same connection in her life.  I know he would have been there for her no matter what, that was the way Brandon was, even though he didn't always show it.  He was protective of his sister.  I have to believe that Brandon and my Dad are now helping me on my journey of life, by the things that they both taught me while they were here.  I have a feeling I am going to need all the knowledge and strength that I can find to make this a good year and full of right decisions.   I am determined to improve myself.