TIME GOES ON

Today, my husband just left to meet two of my son's friends for lunch.  One of the friends will be getting married in two weeks.  I hate my initial reaction to opening up the invitation.  At first glance my mind went to the thought that I should be able to experience an event like this with my son, Brandon.  But I will not have the chance, he is dead.  I felt angry because I had been robbed of seeing my son grow into a man with a future in front of him.  I know I shouldn't feel this way, life goes on for everyone and I should not be angry because of an event of a friend or relative.  I think that it might be a normal reaction for people who have lost children, or maybe it is just me.  I am happy for my son's friends who are living their lives and looking forward to a bright future.  I just wish Brandon and myself, I know that sounds selfish, had those experiences to look forward to.  I often say that my heart if broken, maybe even a bit dark, because I cannot seem to look at things with the joy that others do.  I hate that about myself, I wish I could be more positive and let go of some of my pain, maybe then I could fix my heart, instead of never being able to be put it back together again.  I do find joy in life, just in a different way than most, it is as if my emotions are a bit numb.  I believe that is because I feel that I cannot let myself completely feel happiness and contentment, because as soon as I do, I am afraid that something will happen to take that away.  The day before Brandon died I remember thinking to myself, my life is good right now and I am in a place that I like, I was optimistic about the future.  Then that night I get the call that Brandon had been in a car accident and was dead......so much for my optimistic future.  This has caused me to guard myself, I am afraid that as soon as I think everything is going to be okay, something horrible will happen.  I know this isn't a good way to think, but I cannot help myself.  I feel I am always waiting for the next horrible event to happen, as on edge to prepare myself for survival.  I need to learn to take what life has to throw at me better, and believe me I have had plenty thrown at me besides my son's death.  But nothing compares to that event, so I guess I should look at future with a different perspective.  I have lived through the death of my child, from what I know to this day, nothing could be worst than that.  So I need to not worry about the next event of my life so much, because I have survived so far.  I want to try to teach myself to enjoy my days more, cherish what I do have and live my life to the fullest.  The only problem is that it is much easier said than done.  But I will try......if not for myself but for my daughter, who has a bright future ahead of her and she deserves a mother who can enjoy that future and not be so broken.

Life Goes On

Today is my 52nd birthday, where has the time gone.  It is strange to think that I have lived more than half my life already.  Life goes by so fast, I think you realize that as you get older and look back.  Maybe that is why as you age I believe you get much more wise.  Life experiences, both good and bad, form the person that you are and of course as you age you have more experiences, therefore you have learned from all of the events that have occured and this gives you more knowledge.  Sometimes society feels as if the old do not really have much to offer, but in reality they have more experience with every year they have lived and if we were smart we would listen and value their opinions much more than our current society does.  The have learned many lessons along the way.  As I get older I realize my body and mind is changing, that scares me, I don't want to feel old, it is weird to think that I have less time ahead of me than the time that I have behind me.  I have been blessed and also I have lived through my own hell, I hope that I will take the lessons that I have learned from all my experiences and apply them in a positive way for the coming years.  I miss my family....my son, my daughter (thank God she is still here on this earth), my mother (not the same woman I grew up with because she is now stricken with Alzheimers), my dad (who health has deteriorated to the point that he cannot even walk alone).  I have lived through the death of my son, my living hell, but today I looked at pictures of my life and have to say that I have had some great moments.  The best of those moments spent with my family, my children my gift from God, they were and are the most important part of my life.  When I was in 20's, 30's, and 40's my life seemed normal, of course there were times of stress, but as I look back I was very lucky. I thank God for those years and I just wish that I knew at the time really how lucky I was and enjoyed those moments more.  My mid-forties were horrible, my life as I knew it feel apart, I loss my son....life as I had known it would never be the same, still isn't, never will be.  But now that I am in my 50's I am trying to look at all of the challenges that I have had and try to learn from them, appreciate the ones I love more, live life in a more simple way, stay focused on what is really important, learn that I need to look forward to the upcoming years because I know that I will be more wise with each year, so I need to believe more in myself and as usual for me not pay attention to what others say.  I am becoming a wise elder, that is something to celebrate.