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Another New Year is upon us, 2015, where has the time gone. I haven't written to you Brandon in my blog for a while, I know some who read these letters probably feel it is strange that I write them to someone who has died. I cannot explain it, but for me if I write as if I am talking with you it is very therapeutic for me.
Maybe I am really crazy, or I just might have a gift that I don't really understand, but something very strange happened to me last Sunday. I thought I saw you Brandon walk across our entry way, not clearly, but I was sitting on the couch and I saw a silhouette cross through the entry way into the dining room. I felt it too, maybe my mind is just playing tricks on me, but I even though I saw the figure walk in the same stance that you did. Every part of me felt that your spirit came to visit. I couldn't sleep, I kept dreaming of you, which I don't normally do and all my thoughts were of you. Brittni often tells me that she also feels as if there are ghosts in this house, someone watching her, she felt this when she came home for Thanksgiving. I hope all my thoughts on the matter haven't made her paranoid, or maybe she has a gift also. She even told me that she felt that there is a ghost or spirit now that she feels in her apartment, that wasn't there before. Are we just losing our minds or making this all up in our own subconscious?
All I really know for sure that my love for you Brandon will be with me always. That love has turned into an ache also since you left, but I am thankful that I was able to experience the love I felt for you, my first born. I often remember the day you were born, I play that over in my mind often, just to feel that happiness again, hoping that it will take away some of the pain. You were so tiny, not even big enough for newborn clothing, had to buy to preemie size. Your dad was so proud, after I delivered you all the pain of birth was forgotten as soon as they gave you to me. You were such a beautiful little boy, blonde hair, brown eyes and a mischievous smile. Full of life and mischief from the start. I would give anything to just be able to feel that joy of holding you again.
Some days now after 13 years I think I function pretty well, considering what losing a child does to a person, then there are the other days when my heart literally hurts, tears flow. I think to myself over and over why did this happen to you, why didn't I get to watch you grow into a man, I probably would be a grandmother by now if you were alive. As I often say, I feel our family has been robbed, only those who have lost a child, brother or sister really know the full meaning of that. No parent expects their child to die before them.
Brandon I hope you can read my letters or read my mind as I type these, or be looking over my shoulder as I type, so you will know that I think of you all the time, I have to believe I will see you again, that gives me hope. If I am crazy then so be it, I have to let myself believe that you come visit, I will see you again, that is my coping mechanism. Just as writing these letter in my blog, they help me on this journey of life, because it is really rough sometimes with our here.
