Aging Parents

A Daughter Anticipating Life Without Her Father

As a child and even as an adult I was always afraid of my parents dying, now my father who is 89 years old has deteriorated to the point where death would be a blessing, but still my selfishness shows it's ugly head and I don't want him to pass on, because of the pain it will cause me. At 43 years old I found first hand the pain that death brings to those who loved the departed. My son, Brandon died in a car accident and my whole world changed. So I do know how I will feel when my father passes on, but I also should be able to find peace in the fact that he will be with my son, that will be a wonderful reunion, they both loved each other immensely. But again I think of how I will feel, having to go through that turmoil of grieving, attending the funeral, which will be held at the same place my son's funeral was held. Going to the grave, where my son lies in a plot next to where my parents will be buried, having to feel those emotions, not only the emotions of losing my father, but I know from experience that all of the pain of losing my son will resurface again. I let myself feel my emotions, instead of holding them inside, for me this is best, but not for those around me. All of the worry and pain comes out in so many ways, anger, sadness, and makes me hard to be around. I wish there was a magic wand that I could just wave and make everything okay. But this is life, we all have to live with the good, bad and ugly that is served up to us. It seems as if some have to suffer more than others, but I have to believe that these are lessons we are learning, no matter how painful, will make us stronger when we get through them. I want to learn to accept what happens, but my nature causes me to look for reasons, ask myself why did this happen or why is this happening to me. I understand that these are selfish feelings, maybe I am too self absorbed about how events affect me directly. But pain is something I have grown to live with everyday since my son died, I just don't know how much more I can carry.

Missing Brandon Today 7/17/2010

These are the times when I just wish you could come down from the sky and say “hi mom, don’t worry about me I am here in heaven doing just fine”. I sit here alone wondering why did you have to go. I worry still about the moments before your death, if you felt pain, if you saw your life flash before your eyes and if you were sorry that you were leaving. I want to believe that you felt no pain, saw the bright light and thought wow this is going to be a great new adventure and I hope you are happy in heaven. Because I know I am not happy here without you. I look at your baby pictures trying to remember each and every moment. In my mind I visualize what you would look like now, a man of 27 years old. Would you be married, have children, I see everyone else watching their children grow into adults. I didn’t have that gift, I just wish that those that have it would realize that it really is a gift and how miserable it would be if their children weren’t here no matter what the circumstances.

I do feel very in tune to the universe, but I want to learn to be more, maybe then all of what has happened will make more sense to me. I have anger, period, that I just cannot get rid of. I have jealousy of others who families are complete. I know it is wrong, but I cannot help but feel those feelings. I don’t forgive easily, maybe Brandon I am the one who needs your help from heaven. If you have any insight, please give me some sort of sign, place me at the top of God’s list of who needs help, because I don’t think God would be please with the person that I am.

I try to be strong, everyone thinks I am, but in reality I live in fear, because my heart has been broken and I know it will never fully heal. It has left me scared, I cannot see the joy in things that other people see, I think so many people live their lives in such a shallow way, because they don’t know what true pain really is, just go through life not realizing what is really important. I am jaded I know. I do know that my children, you and Brittni are the most important things in life to me. I lost you from this world that I am living in now, but I have Brittni, she is my light. But at the end of my life, I hope to see you standing there telling me how happy I am going to be in heaven. I would tell you that I was glad to be there to see you and that all my pain is now gone. I could tell you stories of what you missed here, but I know that compared to the stories about heaven you could tell me they wouldn’t be important. You could teach me how to achieve nirvana, because I think that heaven is the only place you can achieve that. I could look in your face and know that you have be okay from the time you left us, I hope that at when my time to die comes, I will realize that all of the pain of this life was worth every moment, if I have the chance to see you again in heaven, then I will know that everything is going to be okay.

But for now I sit here alone in this house, missing my son, thinking about your face, smile and your laugh. I am selfish I want you here with me, no matter if you are happier in heaven. I want you to see your sister, tell her everything is okay and make her life easier. I want you here to help his dad, who has been lost. I want Brandon Scott Wedel back with me, my son who I fought with daily, the one I thought that was so hard to handle, the son that I loved more than I even realized at the time. I try my best but there are dark days that I feel so helpless, missing you and feeling full of rage that you were taken from me. Not a good thing, I know, but it is how I feel.