Aging Parents

A Daughter Anticipating Life Without Her Father

As a child and even as an adult I was always afraid of my parents dying, now my father who is 89 years old has deteriorated to the point where death would be a blessing, but still my selfishness shows it's ugly head and I don't want him to pass on, because of the pain it will cause me. At 43 years old I found first hand the pain that death brings to those who loved the departed. My son, Brandon died in a car accident and my whole world changed. So I do know how I will feel when my father passes on, but I also should be able to find peace in the fact that he will be with my son, that will be a wonderful reunion, they both loved each other immensely. But again I think of how I will feel, having to go through that turmoil of grieving, attending the funeral, which will be held at the same place my son's funeral was held. Going to the grave, where my son lies in a plot next to where my parents will be buried, having to feel those emotions, not only the emotions of losing my father, but I know from experience that all of the pain of losing my son will resurface again. I let myself feel my emotions, instead of holding them inside, for me this is best, but not for those around me. All of the worry and pain comes out in so many ways, anger, sadness, and makes me hard to be around. I wish there was a magic wand that I could just wave and make everything okay. But this is life, we all have to live with the good, bad and ugly that is served up to us. It seems as if some have to suffer more than others, but I have to believe that these are lessons we are learning, no matter how painful, will make us stronger when we get through them. I want to learn to accept what happens, but my nature causes me to look for reasons, ask myself why did this happen or why is this happening to me. I understand that these are selfish feelings, maybe I am too self absorbed about how events affect me directly. But pain is something I have grown to live with everyday since my son died, I just don't know how much more I can carry.