Thinking of my children

Right now as I sit in our condo in Mexico my thoughts are on my children. My daughter is on her way home from a great summer trip, Semester at Sea, she has been gone 58 days and will be home in 7 days, I cannot wait to see her. I missed her this summer, this is the time she is usually home from college and I feel whole again with her at home. Still even in this beautiful place located right on the ocean, my heart aches for my son. The ocean does seem to give me some of the peace that I seek. The sound of the waves crashing have a tranquil affect on me. Why is it that woman who become mothers are always change from the moment that their baby is born? I think children are life's greatest treasure, our legacy to the world. It is with this thought that I hope that I have given my children what the needed as they grew up, they know I love them, maybe I don't say the words often enough, but I know they know. I should learn to verbalize my love more, because I know that I wish I would have with my son, but our time ran out too soon. My daughter is my world, I don't know if this is good or bad....she has her own life to live and I don't want to be a burden for her. I know she feels that she has to make up for the loss that our family has suffered, that is a big burden to carry, she misses her brother and also feels she has to do everything right to help her parents. I cannot explain in words the depth of my pain when I think about my son. My mind wanders to all kinds of things, something I hear on television can bring up horrible images in my mind, the other day a character on tv mentioned "only a bag of bones in a box" referring to a dead person. As soon as I heard these words my mind flashed to the day I had to see my son laying in his casket, I just couldn't handle it, I feel to my knees not wanting to believe my eyes....this image automatically came up when I heard the quote above, then I just thought of the bones in the casket that was once my son, as I write this tears fill my eyes and I sharp piercing pain hits my heart. It is hard to explain how emotional pain can cause physical pain, but I know it is possible because it happens to me, just like at this moment. I wonder if there will ever be a time when this ends, I doubt it. But I have to stay tough and learn to enjoy the time I have with my daughter, again trying to look past my pain to a brighter tomorrow. Why is it so hard? I wish I had the answer so I could solve my dilema.