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Monday, August 16, 2010
Life
I just got off chatting on facebook with my neighbor and was told that our other neighbor's mother, who is a sweet, loving woman, is losing her battle with cancer. It makes me think about the pain that accompanies death. All of the people who love the person dying is having to go through the steps to watch their loved one move on from this life on earth to another. I have to think that the ones here left on earth are the unlucky ones. We have to finish our life with a void created from the death, along with that comes emotional pain, wondering if we did everything we should have for that person and then we have to deal with all of the emotions that come with it for the rest of our lives. I choose to believe that when it is our time to exit this earth we will be going on to a place which is radiated with love, all sadness, pain, anger and emptiness is filled with nothing but happiness. We get to be reunited with the ones that we have lost before it was our time to leave and move on. This has to be a joyous moment, then we know that all that we have endured during our life on earth led up to this and it has to feel like complete nirvana. I often wonder if those who pass on can look down on all of us here on earth grieving their loss and thinking, I wish they knew how wonderful it is here and know that I am fine and will be waiting for them when they arrive. I have to think this way to make the pain from losing my son bearable and prepare me for the loss of those who I love that go on before me. I hope that when it is my time I will be able to send a sign to my love ones that I am okay and give them some peace. I think my son Brandon has done that, I just need to pay attention and believe, not question these signs. I feel for all of us who are left here on this planet to suffer the loss of our family, friends and others that we have met on the road of life. I just have to believe that there will come a time when we all meet again and we will find out why we had to learn the life lessons we did here and all of our questions be answered. I pray for the family of my neighbor, I know they will miss their mother, grandmother and even great-grandmother, but I am sure she will be reunited with her husband watching over all of them.
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Today I came across a picture of Brandon and Brittni, we had just brought Brittni home from the hospital and Brandon is holding his baby sister in the picture. The memories of this picture make me cry, I want to remember all the good, but when I see my son's face I just still don't understand why God took him from me. I hope he is happy in heaven, but I am selfish I want him with us. I get through my days, better now than 8 1/2 years ago when he left for heaven, but my heart is shattered. I don't know if I will ever be able to put it completely back together, I doubt it. I thank God everyday for my daughter, Brittni, she has literally saved my life. I can honestly say I don't know what I would do without her. I cannot explain, only parents who have lost a child understand, the pain is searing and never goes away. We get through our days the best we can, try to put our lives back together and we achieve it on most day. But then I memory, picture or song thrusts us back into the darkenss of our loss. I think my heart is fragile, yet still strong, but sometimes it just feels broken. Tears all good for the soul they say, so I will let them flow and hope they help. Today is a day for grieving for me, I need those at times. I hope it helps me heal the best I can.
ReplyDeleteThis is true. We do have good days & bad. A song, picture, a saying they use to say someone else getting sick or dying hurts cuz you know what the road of pain they'll be going on. It's ok to cry & have bad days. But then we have to pick our self back up. For our self & our girls. :0) Like I tell my girls."Walk by FAITH not by Sight!" ;)
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