Why

Here I am again, with that same question that plagues me so often.  Why do young people have to die to soon.  Is it true that God has a plan for us before we are born?  I have to believe that, because that is the only thing that makes any sense to me on why some have such short lives.  Do we as parents of children who have died learn a lesson from these tragedies that almost break us?  Is it part of our plan, to learn that we can survive all the pain and suffering that goes along losing a child?  I don't like this lesson if that is the case, because I believe that losing a child is a grief that lasts forever, changing you from the person you were before the death to someone who has walked in the darkest path imaginable, but managed to come out to the light, but never completely.  Maybe part of the lesson is for us who have lost children is to be able to understand and feel compassion for others in our shoes, because in my opinion you have to have lived this to fully understand the devastation that is does to the souls of the families involved.  It changes everyone in the family, in very different ways.  Each have their own burden to carry, each deal with the death in their own way.  The pain is always there, everyone reacts in their own way to it.  I find myself drawn to people I don't even know well who have lost a child, it is as if I am connected to them in a way that may seem bizarre to most, but I know they can relate to what I feel and the somehow I don't feel so alone in my grief.

My family lost another member, my brother and sister-in-law raised her brother since he was four years old, I would consider him their son.  His name was Erik, he was 46 years old and died unexpectedly of a heart attack.  I was speaking to my sister-in-law and she said that when she thinks of Erik, she thinks of him as a little boy.  I do the same with Brandon, yes I do think of the 18 year old teenager he was when he died, but more often I think of him as a little boy.  I miss him, I sometimes think to myself why didn't I hug him more often, maybe not get mad at all the little things.   He was a handful that is a known fact, but I wish now that I could have just relished him more before it was too late.  Maybe that is my lesson, try more to appreciate my time now and not worry so much about the future, because we are only guaranteed the moment....the future is not in our control and it can be taken from us in a blink of an eye.

Moments of Sadness

I am having a moment, these moments come ever so often, not as much as they use to but they are still here, maybe they will never leave me.  In this moment, I feel as if my heart is literally breaking into pieces, my chest hurts, tears come to my eyes, I am thinking of Brandon, missing him.  Thinking about all the moments he has missed since he left us, thinking of all the experiences he missed because he didn't grow old.  Moments like this one hurts, grief hurts, that is just how it is.  I miss the past moments I had with my son, I miss the future moments I will never get to share with him.  Moments such as this one makes me still wonder why Brandon had to leave, why did this happen to my family, what did I do to deserve this pain, why does it seem that God can be so cruel.

I admire those who have lived through grief and can still find peace with God.  I am sorry that I am still very angry with God, after 13 years you would have thought I could have found some peace with God.  Honestly I have to admit that this has tested my faith, and I am not sure what I believe.  I know that there is a God, one that has answered prayers for me, I wish that I could just have unquestionable faith.  But after Brandon's death that seems impossible.  Some might think this makes me a person condemned to hell, I hope that isn't the case.  I am so damaged, Brandon's death change me as a person, my way of thinking and has tested my faith beyond my limits.

I just want my son in moments like these, I write my feelings in this blog to help me process all of these moments.  It is strange how this helps me, but it does.  I guess I just need to get my thoughts in black and white to help me.

February Again 2015

Here it is again, February and this is the 13th year that I wish I could just sleep through this month and wake up in March.  Right now as I write these words, my body feels numb, my heart feels broken and my energy is just gone.  Some would think that 13 years after the death and 32 years after his birth that I would be able to cope better.  I wish that I could just savor the memories of his birth, but when I think of that day February 28th, I automatically think of February 19th when the unimaginable happen, I got that call that every parent fears in the middle of the night.

I don't know why but all I want to do right now is run, run away as far as I can so I don't have to relive this month again.  Just get lost for a while, I know that is selfish of me, when my husband and daughter both have to deal with this month also.  Their pain is as deep as mine, I know everyone deals with grief in their own way.  My way it seems is to just shut down, I have so many things I need to do right now, but all I seem to be able to do is just think about my son, write my thoughts on paper to try to help me deal with all of my emotions.  I tell myself that I have the power to change my thoughts, that I need just to find the will power to think positively and remember how blessed I was to have had Brandon.  But all logic goes out of the window when February comes around.  My mind goes into overdrive, I cannot stop thinking about the night Brandon died.  Those feelings seem to come right back up to the surface, anger, resentment, wondering why this happened, and most of all the sadness that I feel because he is gone.  It all makes me feel as if I could just shatter at any moment like a piece of glass, if I just let myself.  It takes all my strength to just hold myself together.

I dread every February, because I honestly think it is my month of grief that will never end.

Another New Year

Another New Year is upon us, 2015, where has the time gone.  I haven't written to you Brandon in my blog for a while, I know some who read these letters probably feel it is strange that I write them to someone who has died.  I cannot explain it, but for me if I write as if I am talking with you it is very therapeutic for me.

Maybe I am really crazy, or I just might have a gift that I don't really understand, but something very strange happened to me last Sunday.  I thought I saw you Brandon walk across our entry way, not clearly, but I was sitting on the couch and I saw a silhouette cross through the entry way into the dining room.  I felt it too, maybe my mind is just playing tricks on me, but I even though I saw the figure walk in the same stance that you did.  Every part of me felt that your spirit came to visit.  I couldn't sleep, I kept dreaming of you, which I don't normally do and all my thoughts were of you.  Brittni often tells me that she also feels as if there are ghosts in this house, someone watching her, she felt this when she came home for Thanksgiving.  I hope all my thoughts on the matter haven't made her paranoid, or maybe she has a gift also.  She even told me that she felt that there is a ghost or spirit now that she feels in her apartment, that wasn't there before.  Are we just losing our minds or making this all up in our own subconscious?

All I really know for sure that my love for you Brandon will be with me always.  That love has turned into an ache also since you left, but I am thankful that I was able to experience the love I felt for you, my first born.  I often remember the day you were born, I play that over in my mind often, just to feel that happiness again, hoping that it will take away some of the pain.  You were so tiny, not even big enough for newborn clothing, had to buy to preemie size.  Your dad was so proud, after I delivered you all the pain of birth was forgotten as soon as they gave you to me.  You were such a beautiful little boy, blonde hair, brown eyes and a mischievous smile.  Full of life and mischief from the start.  I would give anything to just be able to feel that joy of holding you again.

Some days now after 13 years I think I function pretty well, considering what losing a child does to a person, then there are the other days when my heart literally hurts, tears flow.  I think to myself over and over why did this happen to you, why didn't I get to watch you grow into a man, I probably would be a grandmother by now if you were alive.  As I often say, I feel our family has been robbed, only those who have lost a child, brother or sister really know the full meaning of that.  No parent expects their child to die before them.

Brandon I hope you can read my letters or read my mind as I type these, or be looking over my shoulder as I type, so you will know that I think of you all the time, I have to believe I will see you again, that gives me hope.  If I am crazy then so be it, I have to let myself believe that you come visit, I will see you again, that is my coping mechanism.  Just as writing these letter in my blog, they help me on this journey of life, because it is really rough sometimes with our here.