Moments of Sadness

I am having a moment, these moments come ever so often, not as much as they use to but they are still here, maybe they will never leave me.  In this moment, I feel as if my heart is literally breaking into pieces, my chest hurts, tears come to my eyes, I am thinking of Brandon, missing him.  Thinking about all the moments he has missed since he left us, thinking of all the experiences he missed because he didn't grow old.  Moments like this one hurts, grief hurts, that is just how it is.  I miss the past moments I had with my son, I miss the future moments I will never get to share with him.  Moments such as this one makes me still wonder why Brandon had to leave, why did this happen to my family, what did I do to deserve this pain, why does it seem that God can be so cruel.

I admire those who have lived through grief and can still find peace with God.  I am sorry that I am still very angry with God, after 13 years you would have thought I could have found some peace with God.  Honestly I have to admit that this has tested my faith, and I am not sure what I believe.  I know that there is a God, one that has answered prayers for me, I wish that I could just have unquestionable faith.  But after Brandon's death that seems impossible.  Some might think this makes me a person condemned to hell, I hope that isn't the case.  I am so damaged, Brandon's death change me as a person, my way of thinking and has tested my faith beyond my limits.

I just want my son in moments like these, I write my feelings in this blog to help me process all of these moments.  It is strange how this helps me, but it does.  I guess I just need to get my thoughts in black and white to help me.