February Again 2015

Here it is again, February and this is the 13th year that I wish I could just sleep through this month and wake up in March.  Right now as I write these words, my body feels numb, my heart feels broken and my energy is just gone.  Some would think that 13 years after the death and 32 years after his birth that I would be able to cope better.  I wish that I could just savor the memories of his birth, but when I think of that day February 28th, I automatically think of February 19th when the unimaginable happen, I got that call that every parent fears in the middle of the night.

I don't know why but all I want to do right now is run, run away as far as I can so I don't have to relive this month again.  Just get lost for a while, I know that is selfish of me, when my husband and daughter both have to deal with this month also.  Their pain is as deep as mine, I know everyone deals with grief in their own way.  My way it seems is to just shut down, I have so many things I need to do right now, but all I seem to be able to do is just think about my son, write my thoughts on paper to try to help me deal with all of my emotions.  I tell myself that I have the power to change my thoughts, that I need just to find the will power to think positively and remember how blessed I was to have had Brandon.  But all logic goes out of the window when February comes around.  My mind goes into overdrive, I cannot stop thinking about the night Brandon died.  Those feelings seem to come right back up to the surface, anger, resentment, wondering why this happened, and most of all the sadness that I feel because he is gone.  It all makes me feel as if I could just shatter at any moment like a piece of glass, if I just let myself.  It takes all my strength to just hold myself together.

I dread every February, because I honestly think it is my month of grief that will never end.