Parents often think how easy things will be when the kids are grown

When my children were small I often thought about how much easier life would be when they grew up. I am sure many parents have these thoughts, then when the do grow up you want them to be kids again. I am at that place where I just wish I had that part of my life back. I miss my children, one is gone forever from this earth and the other has moved across the country.

I am happy that my daughter is going to experience new things and that she has a exciting future ahead. I am just selfish and want her close to me, at least close enough that all I need to do to see her is drive a few hours. I know it could be much worst, as is the case with my son. I can drive 15 minutes to see his grave, but can never see his face except in pictures and in my mind. I stare at pictures of him at times, wishing he was here.

As the saying goes, watch what you wish for, because I hate to admit but there were times when I thought to myself during hard times with him, that I just wish he would grow up and how my life would be free of some stress. He did not have the chance to grow up, and my life just became much more stressful and on top of that he left a void that cannot be filled. Sadness is always present in my heart, it doesn't overwhelm the joys of watching my daughter grow, but it is always there.

I just wish that we all had the wisdom when we are given a child that nothing in our world is more important than them. We think we know this, but we cannot really understand the magnitude that if something terrible happens to them how it will impact our lives. Children are a gift, many take for granted that they will always be here for us to love and a result of this is that we allow ourselves to become too absorbed in what we think we need to make our life easier. As parents I believe we brought these children into the world, it is our responsibility to be there for them always. Even grown children need their parents emotional support. I know I did and I was very lucky to have my parents, who were always there to help me through life's struggles.

Even though Brittni is now all away across the country, I know I will be there to give her support in any way I can. Losing Brandon taught me that we don't have any guarantees that our children will out live us, so we need to take all the ups and downs in stride, guide them to the best of our abilities throughout our life.

I am so grateful that I have my daughter, I just wish she was a little closer to me, but who knows maybe her adventure in NYC will bring great opportunities for her, and again maybe she will come back West. I do know that the best part of my life was watching my children grow, even though I might have not realized it at the time.

One Year Anniversary of My Father's Death

Today is the one year anniversary of my father's death.  I am remembering him with all of the good memories he left me with.  He was always kind to me, I was his baby and I loved it.  He was the one man in my life that I knew would always be there for me.  Loved me no matter what and he always had a way to just make me feel secure.

My dad was my rock after my son's death.  He would call me everyday to see how I was doing.  He would chat about how much both of us missed Brandon.  He loved Brandon so much and I knew he understood my pain and most importantly he would talk about it with me.  He had suffered many losses in his life and I think this enabled him to be opened about his feelings.  So many struggle with this after a death, they don't know what to say or they don't want to talk about it because it hurts too much.

My father loved my children in the same way he love me during my childhood.  He was a wonderful grandpa, always attending all of their sporting event, birthdays and just truly enjoying them.  He would sneak candy to the kids before breakfast when my mother wasn't looking, just because he knew they would like the treat.  He understood Brandon better than anyone.  I relied on him to help me with Brandon, especially when he was being unruly.  Dad could always reason with Brandon, when no one else was able.  I think this must have been because Brandon sensed that unconditional love he gave and probably felt safe and secure with him, just as I did.  There were so many times that he came to get Brandon or Brandon went over to his house when things were not going well at home or when trouble was brewing.  My dad could calm Brandon like no other.  God not only gave me a great dad, but also I great mentor for my son.

I remember Brandon telling me that he could never go to my parents funeral.  He didn't have to endure that, he left us first.  I went to the grave to put flowers on my dad's grave and Brandon's, I didn't cry for the first time at the grave.  I still felt numb, broken hearted and had such a longing to talk to both of them, but my tears didn't come as usual.  As I sat at the graves, I looked at both the tombstones, thinking about these two men who mean the world to me and about how much they both taught me about life.  I miss them, but I am also very grateful to have had them in my life.

Thank you dad for loving me, giving me the foundation I need to be strong.  Life has thrown some pretty  big curve balls my way, but I feel that you helped me know that I will survive, taught me to stand up for myself and gave me confidence to live life on my terms, and "to hell with everyone else" as you would have said, to those who have brought turmoil into my life.  You are and always will be my hero.