TIME GOES ON

Today, my husband just left to meet two of my son's friends for lunch.  One of the friends will be getting married in two weeks.  I hate my initial reaction to opening up the invitation.  At first glance my mind went to the thought that I should be able to experience an event like this with my son, Brandon.  But I will not have the chance, he is dead.  I felt angry because I had been robbed of seeing my son grow into a man with a future in front of him.  I know I shouldn't feel this way, life goes on for everyone and I should not be angry because of an event of a friend or relative.  I think that it might be a normal reaction for people who have lost children, or maybe it is just me.  I am happy for my son's friends who are living their lives and looking forward to a bright future.  I just wish Brandon and myself, I know that sounds selfish, had those experiences to look forward to.  I often say that my heart if broken, maybe even a bit dark, because I cannot seem to look at things with the joy that others do.  I hate that about myself, I wish I could be more positive and let go of some of my pain, maybe then I could fix my heart, instead of never being able to be put it back together again.  I do find joy in life, just in a different way than most, it is as if my emotions are a bit numb.  I believe that is because I feel that I cannot let myself completely feel happiness and contentment, because as soon as I do, I am afraid that something will happen to take that away.  The day before Brandon died I remember thinking to myself, my life is good right now and I am in a place that I like, I was optimistic about the future.  Then that night I get the call that Brandon had been in a car accident and was dead......so much for my optimistic future.  This has caused me to guard myself, I am afraid that as soon as I think everything is going to be okay, something horrible will happen.  I know this isn't a good way to think, but I cannot help myself.  I feel I am always waiting for the next horrible event to happen, as on edge to prepare myself for survival.  I need to learn to take what life has to throw at me better, and believe me I have had plenty thrown at me besides my son's death.  But nothing compares to that event, so I guess I should look at future with a different perspective.  I have lived through the death of my child, from what I know to this day, nothing could be worst than that.  So I need to not worry about the next event of my life so much, because I have survived so far.  I want to try to teach myself to enjoy my days more, cherish what I do have and live my life to the fullest.  The only problem is that it is much easier said than done.  But I will try......if not for myself but for my daughter, who has a bright future ahead of her and she deserves a mother who can enjoy that future and not be so broken.