Another Reason to Grieve...But Also Another Reason to Find Faith

Yesterday, my father lost his battle to stay alive for my mother.  His birthday is Sunday, he would have been 90 years old.  But his body just couldn't continue, his spirit always was strong and now it is free from the prison it was held by his deteriorating body.  I know that he is now in no pain and in a much better place than this earth.  I wish I was completely positive of this, it is hard for me to believe in what I cannot see, but I do have faith, just sometimes it gets tested.  I have to believe that my dad and my son are now together again, what a great welcome I am sure Brandon gave my dad and I am sure was dad elevated to see him.  Death is a strange thing, we all know that we will one day die, but when it hits, even if we feel we are somewhat prepared for it, the pain still stings.  I know that I must be selfish because I don't want to lose my family, not because they are not ready to move on, but because I don't want them to leave me.  But death is a reality of life, we cannot control how or when it will come.

My father was a blessing for me, gave me unconditional love, for which I am very blessed to have experienced.  I was his baby, his only daughter, in his eyes I was perfect....that felt good.  In my eyes, my father was a man that no other has ever lived up to, my hero.  He had a way about them that made me feel warm and secure, even during the dark days of my son's death.  I would go speak with him and somehow it would make me feel better.  He loved me and it showed.  Brandon adored my dad and he felt the same way.  Always ready to help me with him in his unruly teenage days, always reassured me that everything was going to be okay.  Then when Brandon died, my father just wondered "why did he have to be him and not me".  My dad's time on this earth wasn't finish at that moment, he had more lessons to teach us.  He taught me to try to accept my son's death, he felt the pain as strong as I did, but still he kept his faith that we would all see him again and that he was with God.  Now I have to reach deep in my soul and find that same faith, because my dad isn't here to tell me that any longer.  I hope that  I have learned that lesson well enough to search within myself and find that surety.

I hate that I had to go to his house yesterday to see his body lying on the floor lifeless, covered with a blanket.  That is another memory that is now seared in my mind that I don't want to have.  I hate that I feel that same feeling of numbness that I felt right after Brandon's death, it is a weird feeling, you know you are sad, but your body just seems to not really know if it is ready to give in to those feelings, I guess it is a way of self preservation.  Shock is what it is categorized as, I should not be shock that my father died, he was ill, but still I find myself in shock.  I tried to prepare but I don't know how, I have to find the strength to let myself feel and think about my dad, instead of myself.  He has to be happier now, not stuck in a chair not being able to do anything.  So weak that it was a chore for him to just sit up and watch tv, much less eat.  He tried his best to stay here, to help my mother who has Alzheimers, but he just couldn't do it any longer.  I need to let my mind think about the reunion he is having in heaven, all of his own siblings are there, his mother and father, his grandson and how his spirit is soaring.  I will keep this mental picture in my head, try not to let the bad thoughts in, but that is hard for me.  I am going to try through, because that is what my dad would have wanted me to do.