Finding Strength in Sadness

I feel as if there are times that I just want all of my memories to go away, so I don't have to think of what I am missing.  Of course this isn't the answer, if that were to happen then I would be just empty and not be able to remember all of the good in my life.  Sometimes my mind just thinks crazy things, I look at pictures and struggle to remember every detail of that moment, because the person in the photo isn't here any more. My father's death has brought on thoughts of my son's death, which isn't really anything that new because I think of Brandon always, the difference is it makes me realize again that life is short.  We don't say I love you enough to the people who matter to us.  We never realize that every conversation we have with them could be our last.  You really don't think this way normally, I even now don't always process this.  But when I take a moment to quiet my mind and think about life, I know all of us need to let the ones we love know.

My trauma has given me strength and I guess it was one of my life lessons that I was suppose to learn, I don't like it, but it is the hand I was dealt.  I don't cope that well, I find that it is easier for me to feel angry, it is my way to protect myself I think.  I have been told that this isn't healthy, I know it isn't, I think it is just that when you heart hurts you want to replace that feeling with another emotion, because it is sometimes easier.  I know it must be hard to understand this concept, because we are meant to view life as full of promise and joy, there are those times, but once who have been shattered, it is harder to put yourself back together and feel optimistic.  I am working on in daily, there are times that it is easier than others.  Today is a day that my thoughts have turned inward and my heart is aching.  I want what I do not have and I cannot do one thing about it.  So I need to refocus my mind, to more positive and important things, I will think of Brittni and all the promise her life holds.  I will think about what I have to look forward in my future.  I will make a mental note to think about what I want out of life and try to achieve it to the best of my ability.

I want a change, don't want to just do what everyone does, I find myself wanting to be adventurous, I need to let myself fulfill these yearnings.  So I will try to lay out a plan and follow it.....I want to live my life on my terms.  I need to just find the strength to do so.