A New Year

The end of 2010 is near, what will the future hold for 2011.  I wish I had a crystal ball and could look into the future to see what is going to happen.  I feel a need to always be on alert, ready for something to happen.  This hasn't always been the way I have felt, but even since Brandon's death nothing seems to be the same for me.  I feel as if I have to prepare myself for the next ball to drop....on October 1, 2010 it did, another death I had to deal with, my father,  I tried to prepare myself for that, I had, but still I felt the pain of losing another person who I loved.  I miss him.....I miss Brandon, Brandon's death has prepared me for almost anything.  I lived through that...I know I can get through anything, except losing another child.  I couldn't ever do that again.  My emotions have been all over the place, probably because of the holidays, Brittni, Jay and I cannot experience the same joy that most people can, we have a big piece of our family puzzle missing.  I know it must be hard for people to understand, because it has been almost 9 years, in our society it seems as if most feel as if you must move on, you do, but the void is always there.  Since Brandon has died Brittni has become very emotional every Christmas, her emotions are conflicting, she is excited about the holiday, but then when it comes the pain of the loss is ever present.  Jay tries to be positive, but you can see the pain in his face too.  For me, I openly admit that I dread Christmas.  But I am going to try to look forward to the New Year.  I have some very important celebrations coming up....Brittni is graduating from college, I cannot believe it, I am so proud of her.  Tanner, my nephew, who is currently living at our house, will be graduating high school, he has worked hard to make up for some past mistakes, I knew he could do it.  This next year I will be working on myself, clear my mind from clutter that I allow others to cause.  Look forward to trying to find more peace, let go of negative energy, I do have trouble with this....I am sorry to admit.  I am happy with the person I am, I am flawed, damaged goods as I call myself, but that is okay, because I am a product of my life experiences both good and bad.  I am a work in progress and will try to use 2011 to better prepare myself for what is to come.