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I don't know how to explain it, but here I am writing in this blog to see if it helps me relieve some of my anxiety that I am feeling knowing that the month of February is approaching. I am trying to iron shirts this morning and my mind just keeps thinking that the dreaded month of February will be here soon. It is as if my whole nervous system is on high alert, I feel as if I am ready to crawl out of my own skin.
If will be nine years since my son died and still I feel this way as the day of his death gets closer. Then his birthday comes nine days later, I am angry that I don't have him to celebrate with. I often wonder if I will ever get over this feeling, but year after year, I feel the same way.
You have to have experienced this type of trauma to understand it, because it is so hard to explain. Not only does my mind race, but my body, my heart hurts. I write in this blog to help me with my emotions. Sometimes when I feel like this, I really feel a bit crazy, I am a control freak and I cannot control my own feelings and it drives me over the edge.
So again, I write in this blog and take a deep breath, try to understand that this is something I will have to live with my entire life and as time goes on I just cope, hopefully better with each passing year. I think that is wishful thinking, because it doesn't get better, I just accept the reality that my son is gone and I need to do my best to go on with my life.
I will not insult you by saying I understand, or that time heals all wounds. I will tell you I am walking with you, holding your hand, and hugging you when you need it. You are in my thoughts every day. You are so much stronger than you realize and, of course, you know you have to be if not for yourself, for your daughter. You will probably never be completely happy, but you can choose to not be completely sad. I love you, Lisa. God Bless.
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