The Count Down Has Begun

The count down has begun, February 14th, five more days until the day that my life turned upside down nine years ago February 19th, I can honestly say that was the darkest day that I have yet experienced in my life.  Brandon's death occurred nine years ago, I have looked back into my journals and see that I have made progress with my grief.  It isn't as raw as it once was, but it still hurts, aches is more the word that appropriately describes it.  After the 19th, then 9 more days until the February 28th, Brandon's birthday.  February is a month that is hard for me, I cannot wait until March, then I know I have made it through another year facing the month of February.  Life is not easy for anyone, but for those of us who have lost children, our world is very different.  We know the reality of having a child die before their parent, very unnatural, it just isn't suppose to be that way.  We do not have the opportunity to watch that child, who we gave life to, go on with their future.  We ourselves do go on, watch our other children grow, this gives us joy, because we know what a gift this is, something others might take for granted.  The death of my child has given me clarity on many things, put life in perspective, has taught me that you really don't know what you have until it is gone.  We can lose many things in our life that we believe is important, but until you have experienced the loss of a child, I feel you don't fully understand that what you think is important might not be at all.  My daughter is my top priority in my life, even though she is almost 22 years old, I feel blessed that God gave her to me.  She literally saved me, without her I don't think I could have survived Brandon's death.   I wish again that I didn't have to learn this lesson through my son's death.  I wish I could go back in time knowing what I know now and tell Brandon how much I love him, I know I would handle things differently if I could.  The days of February are sorrowful for me, but I will celebrate March, the month that I was blessed with my daughter.  I just wish I could have been able to watch both of my children grow into adults.  I often wonder what Brandon would be doing now with his life, maybe he was spared from the turmoil that we all experience during our lifetimes, the sadness, disappointment, but he also missed out on the joys.  I have to believe that he is now in heaven with my dad, watching over us.  I feel positive that I will see him again, I have to hold on to that.