No Matter Where I Am .... I Miss My Son

Just returned home from a wonderful trip to Thailand.  I was so fortunate to be able to share part of this trip with my daughter, Brittni.  One reason that I make a point to give her the opportunity to travel is I only was able to give Brandon a small taste of traveling.

The summer after his death our family went to Europe.  It was a trip that we had planned and Brandon was looking so forward to it.  That trip was so hard, everything that I saw reminded me of how much Brandon would have enjoyed seeing Europe.  The problem with life is we never know what is going to happen in the future, when planning this trip it never crossed my mind that my son would not be with us because of a car accident that took his life.  During this trip we went through the motions of trying to enjoy ourselves, all of us, but in reality we were still reeling from Brandon's death and the each one of us were dealing with it in our own way.  I am glad we made the trip, but the void of not having Brandon there was heartbreaking.

To this day, no matter where I go, I think of what Brandon would think of the places I visit.  It doesn't matter where I am, he is always on my mind, even after ten years.  Brittni also gets upset when we travel together, she shared with me that maybe it is because of that trip to Europe we took the summer Brandon died.  He was suppose to be there with us and he wasn't.  She always cries during our trip at least once, telling me how much she misses her brother.  This breaks my heart, because I know she is in pain, just as I am still.

Brandon would have loved traveling to exotic places.  He was so open to everything and he would have thoroughly enjoyed experiencing all there was to offer in different areas of the world.  Of course, he would have been the first to go out to experience the night life.  On one trip that we did take together to Whistler, Canada,  he and his friend, Erik Hunt went out for the nightlife, , they ran into a young man that stayed out too late and missed his ride to his hotel, I think he was with a group traveling.  Brandon and Erik came back to our condo and with them was this kid, we didn't know him, Brandon had just met him that night.  Brandon knew he had missed his ride, so he decided that he needed a place to stay that night and being the type of person that he was he offered to bring him home.  Again, this showed Brandon's character of kindness and openness, he was always willing to trust in others and help them when needed.  Some who knew Brandon would say he had a wild streak in him, I would agree.  But with this free spirit, his soul was generous and kind.  Many incidents in is life showed this side of him, I wish I would have been able to see how this would have manifested in adulthood.

No matter where Jay, Brittni and I go, Brandon is always there in our hearts and minds.  It just hurts that he isn't present with us physically.  For the rest of our lives we will miss him, no matter where we are.  For me traveling is therapeutic, for moments I can escape all the painful memories of Brandon's death, but then it hits me that he should be with me experiencing these things and all of the pain comes flooding back.  I know it is the same for Brittni and I am sure for Jay too, he just doesn't show it as much, I guess that is a man's way.

No matter where I go in the world, no matter what I am doing, I miss my son.  This is such a burden to carry, a pain that cannot be stopped, but I don't really want to stop missing him, the memories of him is what keeps him alive within me.  I just have to learn to process these memories with more happiness than sadness.  This is something even now after ten years I am still working on.