Home....Just Isn't The Same Any More

I just arrived back home on Friday from a trip to Mexico.  It was a great trip, I was able to spend the weekend with my daughter, Brittni.  Then had a few days to myself and celebrated my birthday.  I so much wish this weekend could of consisted of my son, Brandon and my daughter, Brittni.  But he is gone, now 10 1/2 years, but I still wish that he was here.

Your home is suppose to be your sanctuary, but for me it is more like a dungeon.  I feel so much more free when I am away.  This house reminds me of how things used to be, a home with two children long ago, enjoying all of the amenities with family and friends.  Then it became a place full of sadness, because the three of us remaining here had to live with the death of Brandon.  Next came the empty nest, Brittni off to college, just my husband and I left with all of our memories.  Now Brittni is living across the United States in New York and this large house is empty.  Empty in the sense of dwellers, but not void of all of the memories made over 19 years.  It is strange that I just wrote 19 years, because that was the age which Brandon died, almost 19 years old.  We have been in this house as long as we had him here on earth.

I wish it was possible for me to just keep all the good memories of this house,  but it is a task that is just too hard for me.  Every time I am gone and return to it, I am flooded with feelings of sadness, thoughts of what should have been and how empty this house seems to me.  I feel that my emotions are all tied up with this house, all the wonderful times that brought me happiness and all the grief that created so much pain.  A dungeon that is holding me, I know that all of my emotions will follow me wherever I go, so maybe I should not call this house my dungeon, maybe I am creating my own prison with my mind flooded with all of these thoughts.

My mind seems to be able to relax when I am away, maybe it is just a temporary fix, but it does help me, I don't know why.  So for now one of my coping skills will be to take little breaks away from my house, until the time comes that my mind and soul can cope with all these memories made here over the last 19 years or when I decide it is time to leave the house, where I have lived so much of my adult life. The place I call home, but now it seems like my dungeon. Some may think, why doesn't she just leave then, the only problem is that the my daughter and husband still think of it as their sanctuary, holding on to all the good memories, so for now I will try my best to fight my demons that live here and try to think of all the wonderful memories that have been created in this house.  Wish me luck.