Here Come The Tears Again

As I sit here thinking about the new upcoming year, tears are starting to fall.  Another year down and I think about how life has changed since my son, Brandon died.  I have now lost my mother and my father, my family is getting smaller and smaller. Life is so full of tears, I miss my parents but I expected them to die before me, I shed tears about their death, but they are different than the tears I cry over my son's death.  It has been almost 15 years...this February is that milestone, so much has changed, Brittni has grown into a woman, independent and doing well.  I am hoping that this upcoming year holds happiness for her, maybe finding a husband, someone she can start a life with to fill the void she feels.  She sheds tears still over Brandon's death and my hope is when she starts her own family they will lessen.  Jay isn't coping well, he cannot find his way, he will watch Lords of Dog Town over and over on his computer because it reminds him of Brandon.  Jay has lost so much in the last 15 years, including a brother who decided it was more important to have financial gain than being loyal and because of this no more family holidays with his siblings, to me it feels as if they have chosen sides one brother over the other.  Jay's tears fall also, not only over Brandon's death but over the lost of his family, financial loses and stress over keeping his business going.

Life was so much easier 15 years ago, our family was intact, none of us had to deal with the trauma of losing one of us, life was good.  This trauma has taken a toll us, more than anyone can imagine.  Jay, Brittni and I have all changed, it happened the day Brandon died, our world as we knew it stopped.  Everyday we try our best to get on with life, but there is always an emptiness we feel.  With the month of February coming up again, how I hate that month, my tears seem to be coming more often again.  I try to think about Brandon's birthday in February and try to find joy in that, but that just makes me think of how happy I was when I had my baby boy in my arms after his birth and how much I hurt now that he isn't here with me anymore.  I think every February is going to be like this for the rest of my life and my tears will continue to increase when February is approaching.

I journal to help me deal with these tears, they fall while I write, but it feels as if they are necessary to help me deal with what I feel inside.  They say tears cleanse the soul....I think my tears express exactly how I feel in my heart at this moment and journaling helps me process my pain.