2019....Where has the time gone

It is March 2019, made it through the dreaded month of February, barely. Life has changed so much recently, I am now 60 years old, I cannot believe that number. I have now lived 16 years without my son, it is crazy to think I had him for only 19 years and now the years without him are catching up to the years that I had him. The saying "time heals everything" is such a lie, it doesn't heal the loss of a child. Brandon's death has robbed us of a future, the future of my daughter, Brittni, becoming an aunt, Jay and I becoming grandparents to our wild child, Brandon's children. These last 16 years have gone by fast, it seems a little frightening that the years are now flying by, it is so true that as we age the years just seem to fly by. I wish I could say to those who are new in their loss that time does heal, as I have said before the loss of a child is something that you never completely heal from, you just get use to the pain. After 16 years, my pain still feels raw at times, February being the birth month and death month of my son are very dark for myself and my family. February is a time when I am thrown back to feeling as if I am right back to the beginning of this painful journey.

I often wonder how life you be if Brandon had died. His death left us broken, as I have said before, now I total understand the "Humpty Dumpty" story....could never be put back together again. That is how it is for us that have lost children. We get through each day, but we are just never whole with our child not here with us. I see how broken my daughter is still, she just turned 30 years old, therapy is helping her, for that I am grateful. But she still cries over Brandon, wondering if they would have become close as they grew older together, she feels so alone, she isn't an only child, but so many view her as that, since she is the on surviving child we have. I hope that when she has her own children a little of the void she feels will be filled. As parents who have lost a child, we not only have to deal with the pain of missing our child, but we have to also watch the surviving one suffer also. I do hold on to the hope that my daughter's pain will lessen with the arrival of her own child. Maybe mine will too, as I know the joy that having a grandchild would bring.