2019....Where has the time gone

It is March 2019, made it through the dreaded month of February, barely. Life has changed so much recently, I am now 60 years old, I cannot believe that number. I have now lived 16 years without my son, it is crazy to think I had him for only 19 years and now the years without him are catching up to the years that I had him. The saying "time heals everything" is such a lie, it doesn't heal the loss of a child. Brandon's death has robbed us of a future, the future of my daughter, Brittni, becoming an aunt, Jay and I becoming grandparents to our wild child, Brandon's children. These last 16 years have gone by fast, it seems a little frightening that the years are now flying by, it is so true that as we age the years just seem to fly by. I wish I could say to those who are new in their loss that time does heal, as I have said before the loss of a child is something that you never completely heal from, you just get use to the pain. After 16 years, my pain still feels raw at times, February being the birth month and death month of my son are very dark for myself and my family. February is a time when I am thrown back to feeling as if I am right back to the beginning of this painful journey.

I often wonder how life you be if Brandon had died. His death left us broken, as I have said before, now I total understand the "Humpty Dumpty" story....could never be put back together again. That is how it is for us that have lost children. We get through each day, but we are just never whole with our child not here with us. I see how broken my daughter is still, she just turned 30 years old, therapy is helping her, for that I am grateful. But she still cries over Brandon, wondering if they would have become close as they grew older together, she feels so alone, she isn't an only child, but so many view her as that, since she is the on surviving child we have. I hope that when she has her own children a little of the void she feels will be filled. As parents who have lost a child, we not only have to deal with the pain of missing our child, but we have to also watch the surviving one suffer also. I do hold on to the hope that my daughter's pain will lessen with the arrival of her own child. Maybe mine will too, as I know the joy that having a grandchild would bring.

Here Come The Tears Again

As I sit here thinking about the new upcoming year, tears are starting to fall.  Another year down and I think about how life has changed since my son, Brandon died.  I have now lost my mother and my father, my family is getting smaller and smaller. Life is so full of tears, I miss my parents but I expected them to die before me, I shed tears about their death, but they are different than the tears I cry over my son's death.  It has been almost 15 years...this February is that milestone, so much has changed, Brittni has grown into a woman, independent and doing well.  I am hoping that this upcoming year holds happiness for her, maybe finding a husband, someone she can start a life with to fill the void she feels.  She sheds tears still over Brandon's death and my hope is when she starts her own family they will lessen.  Jay isn't coping well, he cannot find his way, he will watch Lords of Dog Town over and over on his computer because it reminds him of Brandon.  Jay has lost so much in the last 15 years, including a brother who decided it was more important to have financial gain than being loyal and because of this no more family holidays with his siblings, to me it feels as if they have chosen sides one brother over the other.  Jay's tears fall also, not only over Brandon's death but over the lost of his family, financial loses and stress over keeping his business going.

Life was so much easier 15 years ago, our family was intact, none of us had to deal with the trauma of losing one of us, life was good.  This trauma has taken a toll us, more than anyone can imagine.  Jay, Brittni and I have all changed, it happened the day Brandon died, our world as we knew it stopped.  Everyday we try our best to get on with life, but there is always an emptiness we feel.  With the month of February coming up again, how I hate that month, my tears seem to be coming more often again.  I try to think about Brandon's birthday in February and try to find joy in that, but that just makes me think of how happy I was when I had my baby boy in my arms after his birth and how much I hurt now that he isn't here with me anymore.  I think every February is going to be like this for the rest of my life and my tears will continue to increase when February is approaching.

I journal to help me deal with these tears, they fall while I write, but it feels as if they are necessary to help me deal with what I feel inside.  They say tears cleanse the soul....I think my tears express exactly how I feel in my heart at this moment and journaling helps me process my pain.

Why

Here I am again, with that same question that plagues me so often.  Why do young people have to die to soon.  Is it true that God has a plan for us before we are born?  I have to believe that, because that is the only thing that makes any sense to me on why some have such short lives.  Do we as parents of children who have died learn a lesson from these tragedies that almost break us?  Is it part of our plan, to learn that we can survive all the pain and suffering that goes along losing a child?  I don't like this lesson if that is the case, because I believe that losing a child is a grief that lasts forever, changing you from the person you were before the death to someone who has walked in the darkest path imaginable, but managed to come out to the light, but never completely.  Maybe part of the lesson is for us who have lost children is to be able to understand and feel compassion for others in our shoes, because in my opinion you have to have lived this to fully understand the devastation that is does to the souls of the families involved.  It changes everyone in the family, in very different ways.  Each have their own burden to carry, each deal with the death in their own way.  The pain is always there, everyone reacts in their own way to it.  I find myself drawn to people I don't even know well who have lost a child, it is as if I am connected to them in a way that may seem bizarre to most, but I know they can relate to what I feel and the somehow I don't feel so alone in my grief.

My family lost another member, my brother and sister-in-law raised her brother since he was four years old, I would consider him their son.  His name was Erik, he was 46 years old and died unexpectedly of a heart attack.  I was speaking to my sister-in-law and she said that when she thinks of Erik, she thinks of him as a little boy.  I do the same with Brandon, yes I do think of the 18 year old teenager he was when he died, but more often I think of him as a little boy.  I miss him, I sometimes think to myself why didn't I hug him more often, maybe not get mad at all the little things.   He was a handful that is a known fact, but I wish now that I could have just relished him more before it was too late.  Maybe that is my lesson, try more to appreciate my time now and not worry so much about the future, because we are only guaranteed the moment....the future is not in our control and it can be taken from us in a blink of an eye.

Moments of Sadness

I am having a moment, these moments come ever so often, not as much as they use to but they are still here, maybe they will never leave me.  In this moment, I feel as if my heart is literally breaking into pieces, my chest hurts, tears come to my eyes, I am thinking of Brandon, missing him.  Thinking about all the moments he has missed since he left us, thinking of all the experiences he missed because he didn't grow old.  Moments like this one hurts, grief hurts, that is just how it is.  I miss the past moments I had with my son, I miss the future moments I will never get to share with him.  Moments such as this one makes me still wonder why Brandon had to leave, why did this happen to my family, what did I do to deserve this pain, why does it seem that God can be so cruel.

I admire those who have lived through grief and can still find peace with God.  I am sorry that I am still very angry with God, after 13 years you would have thought I could have found some peace with God.  Honestly I have to admit that this has tested my faith, and I am not sure what I believe.  I know that there is a God, one that has answered prayers for me, I wish that I could just have unquestionable faith.  But after Brandon's death that seems impossible.  Some might think this makes me a person condemned to hell, I hope that isn't the case.  I am so damaged, Brandon's death change me as a person, my way of thinking and has tested my faith beyond my limits.

I just want my son in moments like these, I write my feelings in this blog to help me process all of these moments.  It is strange how this helps me, but it does.  I guess I just need to get my thoughts in black and white to help me.

February Again 2015

Here it is again, February and this is the 13th year that I wish I could just sleep through this month and wake up in March.  Right now as I write these words, my body feels numb, my heart feels broken and my energy is just gone.  Some would think that 13 years after the death and 32 years after his birth that I would be able to cope better.  I wish that I could just savor the memories of his birth, but when I think of that day February 28th, I automatically think of February 19th when the unimaginable happen, I got that call that every parent fears in the middle of the night.

I don't know why but all I want to do right now is run, run away as far as I can so I don't have to relive this month again.  Just get lost for a while, I know that is selfish of me, when my husband and daughter both have to deal with this month also.  Their pain is as deep as mine, I know everyone deals with grief in their own way.  My way it seems is to just shut down, I have so many things I need to do right now, but all I seem to be able to do is just think about my son, write my thoughts on paper to try to help me deal with all of my emotions.  I tell myself that I have the power to change my thoughts, that I need just to find the will power to think positively and remember how blessed I was to have had Brandon.  But all logic goes out of the window when February comes around.  My mind goes into overdrive, I cannot stop thinking about the night Brandon died.  Those feelings seem to come right back up to the surface, anger, resentment, wondering why this happened, and most of all the sadness that I feel because he is gone.  It all makes me feel as if I could just shatter at any moment like a piece of glass, if I just let myself.  It takes all my strength to just hold myself together.

I dread every February, because I honestly think it is my month of grief that will never end.

Another New Year

Another New Year is upon us, 2015, where has the time gone.  I haven't written to you Brandon in my blog for a while, I know some who read these letters probably feel it is strange that I write them to someone who has died.  I cannot explain it, but for me if I write as if I am talking with you it is very therapeutic for me.

Maybe I am really crazy, or I just might have a gift that I don't really understand, but something very strange happened to me last Sunday.  I thought I saw you Brandon walk across our entry way, not clearly, but I was sitting on the couch and I saw a silhouette cross through the entry way into the dining room.  I felt it too, maybe my mind is just playing tricks on me, but I even though I saw the figure walk in the same stance that you did.  Every part of me felt that your spirit came to visit.  I couldn't sleep, I kept dreaming of you, which I don't normally do and all my thoughts were of you.  Brittni often tells me that she also feels as if there are ghosts in this house, someone watching her, she felt this when she came home for Thanksgiving.  I hope all my thoughts on the matter haven't made her paranoid, or maybe she has a gift also.  She even told me that she felt that there is a ghost or spirit now that she feels in her apartment, that wasn't there before.  Are we just losing our minds or making this all up in our own subconscious?

All I really know for sure that my love for you Brandon will be with me always.  That love has turned into an ache also since you left, but I am thankful that I was able to experience the love I felt for you, my first born.  I often remember the day you were born, I play that over in my mind often, just to feel that happiness again, hoping that it will take away some of the pain.  You were so tiny, not even big enough for newborn clothing, had to buy to preemie size.  Your dad was so proud, after I delivered you all the pain of birth was forgotten as soon as they gave you to me.  You were such a beautiful little boy, blonde hair, brown eyes and a mischievous smile.  Full of life and mischief from the start.  I would give anything to just be able to feel that joy of holding you again.

Some days now after 13 years I think I function pretty well, considering what losing a child does to a person, then there are the other days when my heart literally hurts, tears flow.  I think to myself over and over why did this happen to you, why didn't I get to watch you grow into a man, I probably would be a grandmother by now if you were alive.  As I often say, I feel our family has been robbed, only those who have lost a child, brother or sister really know the full meaning of that.  No parent expects their child to die before them.

Brandon I hope you can read my letters or read my mind as I type these, or be looking over my shoulder as I type, so you will know that I think of you all the time, I have to believe I will see you again, that gives me hope.  If I am crazy then so be it, I have to let myself believe that you come visit, I will see you again, that is my coping mechanism.  Just as writing these letter in my blog, they help me on this journey of life, because it is really rough sometimes with our here.

I went to a grief support group with my friend who just lost a child in three months ago, all of stories of the parents were heartbreaking.  It transported me back to when my grief was so raw, I saw in these people the torment that every parent that loses a child goes through.  These groups make you realize that when you have suffered this loss, the human body handles it in different ways, grief is personal and how each person handles it is unique.  I saw some that were like me in my early stages, angry, wondering why my child, outwardly showing their devastation and others who put on a strong exterior, but through their eyes you could still how deep the pain ran.

The stories of the group were hard to listen too, sad, yet as I looked into everyones' face I understood their pain, just as I know they understood mine.  The parents were at all different levels of their grief, like myself their were a few who had been living a long time without their child and I could tell have learned to deal with this trauma.  Then the ones new to the grief, as I listened to them speak I was transported back to my early days of grief.  Day to day living was difficult, they were trying their best just to get through the day.  Thoughts of ever feeling better is something they couldn't comprehend.  But as I looked around the room, I saw survivors, helping one another, just really listening and from living through the ordeal to truly understand.  I believe this is helpful, for me it was so important to connect to people who could relate to my pain.  Maybe seeing some of us who have dealt with this for so many years gave the new ones hope that someday things will be better and even though you never get over it, you learn to live with it.

Maybe this group meeting has made my mind relive some of those early phases of grief.  I had a dream about Brandon, which is very rare.  In the dream he came through so vivid, it was if he was there with me. The vision of Brandon in my dream stunned me, I don't dream about him often and I woke up not being able to get the picture of him out of my mind.  He looked the same as he did at the age he died.  The dream had my daughter, Brittni also in it.  She was a small child in the dream, who went into a store by herself with her backpack (one that she carried when she was younger) and these huge sunglasses that she wears now.  A man ran out of the store with the backpack and the sunglasses and I saw him fearing for Brittni that some awful had happened.  Then all of a sudden Brandon was there, it seem as if I communicated to him that something had happened to Brittni telepathically, no words spoken.  In my dream he fought with this man and retrieve Brittni's things, I woke up frightened, maybe the message of this dream was that he is watching over his sister in NYC.  I hope so, I hope she can feel his presence and it gives her some comfort.

This group meeting has also taken me back to the days that when I see a blond haired little boy, I automatically think of Brandon, taking my mind back to the time when he was small.  It makes my heart ache for a moment, then I try to remember that I was so fortunate to have him, even if it was only for almost 19 years.  I don't know if I will return to the group or not, because some of this is just too difficult to relive.