Home....Just Isn't The Same Any More

I just arrived back home on Friday from a trip to Mexico.  It was a great trip, I was able to spend the weekend with my daughter, Brittni.  Then had a few days to myself and celebrated my birthday.  I so much wish this weekend could of consisted of my son, Brandon and my daughter, Brittni.  But he is gone, now 10 1/2 years, but I still wish that he was here.

Your home is suppose to be your sanctuary, but for me it is more like a dungeon.  I feel so much more free when I am away.  This house reminds me of how things used to be, a home with two children long ago, enjoying all of the amenities with family and friends.  Then it became a place full of sadness, because the three of us remaining here had to live with the death of Brandon.  Next came the empty nest, Brittni off to college, just my husband and I left with all of our memories.  Now Brittni is living across the United States in New York and this large house is empty.  Empty in the sense of dwellers, but not void of all of the memories made over 19 years.  It is strange that I just wrote 19 years, because that was the age which Brandon died, almost 19 years old.  We have been in this house as long as we had him here on earth.

I wish it was possible for me to just keep all the good memories of this house,  but it is a task that is just too hard for me.  Every time I am gone and return to it, I am flooded with feelings of sadness, thoughts of what should have been and how empty this house seems to me.  I feel that my emotions are all tied up with this house, all the wonderful times that brought me happiness and all the grief that created so much pain.  A dungeon that is holding me, I know that all of my emotions will follow me wherever I go, so maybe I should not call this house my dungeon, maybe I am creating my own prison with my mind flooded with all of these thoughts.

My mind seems to be able to relax when I am away, maybe it is just a temporary fix, but it does help me, I don't know why.  So for now one of my coping skills will be to take little breaks away from my house, until the time comes that my mind and soul can cope with all these memories made here over the last 19 years or when I decide it is time to leave the house, where I have lived so much of my adult life. The place I call home, but now it seems like my dungeon. Some may think, why doesn't she just leave then, the only problem is that the my daughter and husband still think of it as their sanctuary, holding on to all the good memories, so for now I will try my best to fight my demons that live here and try to think of all the wonderful memories that have been created in this house.  Wish me luck.

A Random Day

Today was one of those random days where for no specific reason I woke up feeling as if I was transported back into time at the place where I was in my first stage of grief. I don't understand why this happens, but there are definitely days like these that blind side me every so often. My heart aches, it is physical as well as emotional, when your child dies, I believe that it is impossible to completely recover. Today was a day for grieving Brandon's death, these days are uncomfortable for some around me, but I do believe they help with the ongoing healing process. They are not pleasant, more like torturous, but familiar. I don't think any parent can comprehend the thought of life without the child they created, I believe it is just too painful to even think of the possibility. But to those of us who have survived, and believe me I use the word survive in its true meaning, because that is all you can do at the beginning is just make it through each day, we have a complete understanding of what agony it really is. I think this is the reason that I have these random days, I am still processing Brandon's death, even after all of this time. I also think these will continue for the rest of my life, it is just the way it is. I make it through most days like a normal person, then these random days hit me and I am reminded of all the damage my son's death has done to a me. I am just glad that this day is over and maybe my next random day might be a little less painful.

10th Mother's Day Without My Son

On Sunday May 13, 2012 will be the 10th Mother's Day I have had to get through without my son.  I am thankful that I still have my daughter and I need to be able to get past this pain that hits me so hard every holiday.  I know that for my own sanity, I should be able to just to enjoy the present and think about the times I spent with Brandon, my son, and times I have to look forward with my daughter, Brittni.  I know all of this on an intellectual level, but my heart and emotions seem to win this battle over my own intellectual thoughts.

It seems that on days like today, I am bound and determined to let my emotions surface and it is weird that it also seems as if I embrace them, pain and all.  I am not sure why I do this, it feels as if it is something out of my control.  I am drawn to go deep inside myself and feel the pain, I feel the need to go visit Brandon's grave, maybe it is because it is Mother's Day and this is the only thing a mother of a dead child can do for them.  So I will go, put new flowers on his grave and make it look pretty.  It will be painful, as it always is, but also it is therapeutic for me.  Tears cleanse the soul they say and from my own experience I have found this to be true.  So today I will cleanse my soul through my tears.  Then pick myself up, pull myself together and face another Mother's Day without my son.

I don't write in this blog for pity, I write in it for myself.  I choose to share my thoughts in hopes that maybe another parent who has lost a child can read it and realize that their feelings are normal, because only someone who has gone through this knows how it feels and others may think you are just crazy, or that you need to get over it.  But this is so much easier said than done and really how could a parent get over the loss of a child.  We go on, somedays better than others, yes we heal but slowly and  we never completely recover.  But we are survivors and we will make it even on days when we think it is impossible.

10 Years Ago Tomorrow Tragedy Struck Our Family

Tomorrow will be the 10th anniversary of my son's death, I cannot believe it has been 10 years.  My heart aches today, knowing tomorrow is going to be an even harder day.  I was posting pictures of Brandon this week on my Facebook account, I memorial to my son, I will do this everyday until his birthday February 28th.  It is therapeutic for me, gives me the opportunity to look back on all the good times we had with him.  He was a beautiful blond haired baby, who grew into a handsome blond hair, browned eyed young man.  I wish I would have been able to watch this young man grow, but God had other plans for him.  I have to think that there was a reason he had to leave us, I believe that we all have our predestined time to die.  That is the time when all of our work here on earth has been done and it is time to move on to eternal happiness, peace and joy.  I have to believe that I will see him again when I die, that is what keeps me sane.

I believe that Brandon continues to send me messages that he is okay.  Just last night, right as I was posting a picture on Facebook of him with some of his high school friends, I had a knock at my door.  I opened the door and Brandon's good friend Pablo was there, I haven't seen or spoke to Pablo in over 1 1/2 years.  He said he was riding by on his motorcycle, saw Jay's truck and hoped that we still lived in our house.  So he decided to stop in.  The timing of this visit was perfect, coincidence some might say, but since Brandon died too many incidents like this has happened for them all to be coincidence.  Pablo told me right away that he had a dream of Brandon two nights before.  He said the dream was so real he thought for a moment he was still alive, but then realized he was dead, told Brandon in his dream, "You are dead" and started to cry.  Brandon said to him "dude it is okay".  Pablo has had some tough times that he is working through and he told me that he dreams of Brandon often and maybe he is one of his guardian angels.  I believe this to be true, because Brandon was always concerned about Pablo when he was alive.  Yes, they did some crazy things together, the way teenage boys do.  But I remember times when Brandon would have a serious conversation with me about what Pablo had been through in his life and I saw the compassion he had for him.  He was a good friend to Brandon and Brandon to him.

Little things like this keeps my faith strong that my son is trying to tell me that he is okay.  He had such a strong spirit, in life as well as in death.  I hope that he can see how much we love him.  I am counting on him to watch over his sister, Brittni, because he can do more from heaven than I can here on earth.  He always harassed her when he was alive, but at the same time as very protective.  She misses him terribly, being only 13 years old when he died, she has moments now that the grief comes upon her so hard.  I think at 13 she didn't have the coping skills to deal with this type of trauma, so I think that as she has gotten older she is trying to deal with it now.  I feel for her, she had a brother that should be here to help her with life issues that come up, but he is gone, she feels as if she is alone.  Of course she knows Jay and I are here for her, but I know that having siblings to share experiences, talk about issues going on in your life and help guide you is important.  I am so sad that she doesn't have Brandon here.

Life without my son is hard to handle, but we keep taking one step after another, we have been at it for 10 years now, this is something that my family will have to deal with forever.  It is never going to stop hurting, yes we continue with our daily lives, but Brandon is never far from our thoughts.  He is with us in our hearts and will be until we see him again in heave.

Another Holiday Season

Thanksgiving is only about 1 week away, then comes Christmas.  The holidays are suppose to be joyful, thank God they are for most people.  I thought that each year it would get better for me, not dreading the holidays, but here I am again not looking forward to them.  The empty seat at the table shouts out that our family is not complete.  I have to wonder if Brandon would have had a family by now, maybe I would have been a grandmother or would he have found a career that he loved.  What type of man would he have been, his age now would be 28 years old.  But circumstance beyond my control took him from us at only 19, so our family will never be able to see what type of person he would have grown up to be.

It is still so hard for me to comprehend that I lost my son.  Brittni, my daughter, puts it in a way that describes the feeling well.  She says that sometimes she feels as if Brandon was not really here at all, she knows this is not true but it is as if she had lived another life completely with him in it.  Now with him gone, things have just changed so much that it doesn't seem like it was reality.   Maybe more like we all lived another life with him here, because our life now is filled with a void deep within each of our hearts.  I know this sounds strange, maybe our minds have strange thoughts to help us deal with the trauma.  Memories are good, but they can also make you sad.

My brother's family is in the same position this year, his grandson, Chase, will not be with them this holiday season.  I feel for all of them, because I know that since this is the first year without him, it is going to be exceptionally hard.  Everything you do and see reminds you of the memory of the holidays before the death.  I remember thinking "how am I ever going to make it through this", it is tough emotionally and also physically because of all the pain who have inside is so stressful.  I wish there was something I could do to help them cope, but there isn't anything anyone can do.

I have been managing pretty well these days, except this morning when I woke up, my mind was on the holidays and the first thing I felt was that same strong pain knowing that we will all have to make it through another holiday.  I physically have to let the emotion out, so usually I scream, the word is almost always "No", I don't want this to be real, so I guess my mind just goes to the word "No".  I write this blog to help me cope with my feelings.  I know I have changed since Brandon died, much more withdrawn, but I also know that I am okay within myself.  I have learned to deal with trauma, I am surviving, a bit more damaged than before, but it is part of who I am now.  I did learn the lesson from Brandon that you need not  to worry about what others think of your actions, it is important to be who you are and not who people want you to be.  My son, the individual, who was not always the easiest to control, but he lived his life on his terms, for the short time he was here.  I am proud of that now and look at it as an attribute, a statement of his character, that he was happy with himself.  Thank you Brandon for showing me that I can have that same strength.

Parents often think how easy things will be when the kids are grown

When my children were small I often thought about how much easier life would be when they grew up. I am sure many parents have these thoughts, then when the do grow up you want them to be kids again. I am at that place where I just wish I had that part of my life back. I miss my children, one is gone forever from this earth and the other has moved across the country.

I am happy that my daughter is going to experience new things and that she has a exciting future ahead. I am just selfish and want her close to me, at least close enough that all I need to do to see her is drive a few hours. I know it could be much worst, as is the case with my son. I can drive 15 minutes to see his grave, but can never see his face except in pictures and in my mind. I stare at pictures of him at times, wishing he was here.

As the saying goes, watch what you wish for, because I hate to admit but there were times when I thought to myself during hard times with him, that I just wish he would grow up and how my life would be free of some stress. He did not have the chance to grow up, and my life just became much more stressful and on top of that he left a void that cannot be filled. Sadness is always present in my heart, it doesn't overwhelm the joys of watching my daughter grow, but it is always there.

I just wish that we all had the wisdom when we are given a child that nothing in our world is more important than them. We think we know this, but we cannot really understand the magnitude that if something terrible happens to them how it will impact our lives. Children are a gift, many take for granted that they will always be here for us to love and a result of this is that we allow ourselves to become too absorbed in what we think we need to make our life easier. As parents I believe we brought these children into the world, it is our responsibility to be there for them always. Even grown children need their parents emotional support. I know I did and I was very lucky to have my parents, who were always there to help me through life's struggles.

Even though Brittni is now all away across the country, I know I will be there to give her support in any way I can. Losing Brandon taught me that we don't have any guarantees that our children will out live us, so we need to take all the ups and downs in stride, guide them to the best of our abilities throughout our life.

I am so grateful that I have my daughter, I just wish she was a little closer to me, but who knows maybe her adventure in NYC will bring great opportunities for her, and again maybe she will come back West. I do know that the best part of my life was watching my children grow, even though I might have not realized it at the time.

One Year Anniversary of My Father's Death

Today is the one year anniversary of my father's death.  I am remembering him with all of the good memories he left me with.  He was always kind to me, I was his baby and I loved it.  He was the one man in my life that I knew would always be there for me.  Loved me no matter what and he always had a way to just make me feel secure.

My dad was my rock after my son's death.  He would call me everyday to see how I was doing.  He would chat about how much both of us missed Brandon.  He loved Brandon so much and I knew he understood my pain and most importantly he would talk about it with me.  He had suffered many losses in his life and I think this enabled him to be opened about his feelings.  So many struggle with this after a death, they don't know what to say or they don't want to talk about it because it hurts too much.

My father loved my children in the same way he love me during my childhood.  He was a wonderful grandpa, always attending all of their sporting event, birthdays and just truly enjoying them.  He would sneak candy to the kids before breakfast when my mother wasn't looking, just because he knew they would like the treat.  He understood Brandon better than anyone.  I relied on him to help me with Brandon, especially when he was being unruly.  Dad could always reason with Brandon, when no one else was able.  I think this must have been because Brandon sensed that unconditional love he gave and probably felt safe and secure with him, just as I did.  There were so many times that he came to get Brandon or Brandon went over to his house when things were not going well at home or when trouble was brewing.  My dad could calm Brandon like no other.  God not only gave me a great dad, but also I great mentor for my son.

I remember Brandon telling me that he could never go to my parents funeral.  He didn't have to endure that, he left us first.  I went to the grave to put flowers on my dad's grave and Brandon's, I didn't cry for the first time at the grave.  I still felt numb, broken hearted and had such a longing to talk to both of them, but my tears didn't come as usual.  As I sat at the graves, I looked at both the tombstones, thinking about these two men who mean the world to me and about how much they both taught me about life.  I miss them, but I am also very grateful to have had them in my life.

Thank you dad for loving me, giving me the foundation I need to be strong.  Life has thrown some pretty  big curve balls my way, but I feel that you helped me know that I will survive, taught me to stand up for myself and gave me confidence to live life on my terms, and "to hell with everyone else" as you would have said, to those who have brought turmoil into my life.  You are and always will be my hero.