Thanksgiving is only about 1 week away, then comes Christmas. The holidays are suppose to be joyful, thank God they are for most people. I thought that each year it would get better for me, not dreading the holidays, but here I am again not looking forward to them. The empty seat at the table shouts out that our family is not complete. I have to wonder if Brandon would have had a family by now, maybe I would have been a grandmother or would he have found a career that he loved. What type of man would he have been, his age now would be 28 years old. But circumstance beyond my control took him from us at only 19, so our family will never be able to see what type of person he would have grown up to be.
It is still so hard for me to comprehend that I lost my son. Brittni, my daughter, puts it in a way that describes the feeling well. She says that sometimes she feels as if Brandon was not really here at all, she knows this is not true but it is as if she had lived another life completely with him in it. Now with him gone, things have just changed so much that it doesn't seem like it was reality. Maybe more like we all lived another life with him here, because our life now is filled with a void deep within each of our hearts. I know this sounds strange, maybe our minds have strange thoughts to help us deal with the trauma. Memories are good, but they can also make you sad.
My brother's family is in the same position this year, his grandson, Chase, will not be with them this holiday season. I feel for all of them, because I know that since this is the first year without him, it is going to be exceptionally hard. Everything you do and see reminds you of the memory of the holidays before the death. I remember thinking "how am I ever going to make it through this", it is tough emotionally and also physically because of all the pain who have inside is so stressful. I wish there was something I could do to help them cope, but there isn't anything anyone can do.
I have been managing pretty well these days, except this morning when I woke up, my mind was on the holidays and the first thing I felt was that same strong pain knowing that we will all have to make it through another holiday. I physically have to let the emotion out, so usually I scream, the word is almost always "No", I don't want this to be real, so I guess my mind just goes to the word "No". I write this blog to help me cope with my feelings. I know I have changed since Brandon died, much more withdrawn, but I also know that I am okay within myself. I have learned to deal with trauma, I am surviving, a bit more damaged than before, but it is part of who I am now. I did learn the lesson from Brandon that you need not to worry about what others think of your actions, it is important to be who you are and not who people want you to be. My son, the individual, who was not always the easiest to control, but he lived his life on his terms, for the short time he was here. I am proud of that now and look at it as an attribute, a statement of his character, that he was happy with himself. Thank you Brandon for showing me that I can have that same strength.
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Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Parents often think how easy things will be when the kids are grown
When my children were small I often thought about how much easier life would be when they grew up. I am sure many parents have these thoughts, then when the do grow up you want them to be kids again. I am at that place where I just wish I had that part of my life back. I miss my children, one is gone forever from this earth and the other has moved across the country.
I am happy that my daughter is going to experience new things and that she has a exciting future ahead. I am just selfish and want her close to me, at least close enough that all I need to do to see her is drive a few hours. I know it could be much worst, as is the case with my son. I can drive 15 minutes to see his grave, but can never see his face except in pictures and in my mind. I stare at pictures of him at times, wishing he was here.
As the saying goes, watch what you wish for, because I hate to admit but there were times when I thought to myself during hard times with him, that I just wish he would grow up and how my life would be free of some stress. He did not have the chance to grow up, and my life just became much more stressful and on top of that he left a void that cannot be filled. Sadness is always present in my heart, it doesn't overwhelm the joys of watching my daughter grow, but it is always there.
I just wish that we all had the wisdom when we are given a child that nothing in our world is more important than them. We think we know this, but we cannot really understand the magnitude that if something terrible happens to them how it will impact our lives. Children are a gift, many take for granted that they will always be here for us to love and a result of this is that we allow ourselves to become too absorbed in what we think we need to make our life easier. As parents I believe we brought these children into the world, it is our responsibility to be there for them always. Even grown children need their parents emotional support. I know I did and I was very lucky to have my parents, who were always there to help me through life's struggles.
Even though Brittni is now all away across the country, I know I will be there to give her support in any way I can. Losing Brandon taught me that we don't have any guarantees that our children will out live us, so we need to take all the ups and downs in stride, guide them to the best of our abilities throughout our life.
I am so grateful that I have my daughter, I just wish she was a little closer to me, but who knows maybe her adventure in NYC will bring great opportunities for her, and again maybe she will come back West. I do know that the best part of my life was watching my children grow, even though I might have not realized it at the time.
I am happy that my daughter is going to experience new things and that she has a exciting future ahead. I am just selfish and want her close to me, at least close enough that all I need to do to see her is drive a few hours. I know it could be much worst, as is the case with my son. I can drive 15 minutes to see his grave, but can never see his face except in pictures and in my mind. I stare at pictures of him at times, wishing he was here.
As the saying goes, watch what you wish for, because I hate to admit but there were times when I thought to myself during hard times with him, that I just wish he would grow up and how my life would be free of some stress. He did not have the chance to grow up, and my life just became much more stressful and on top of that he left a void that cannot be filled. Sadness is always present in my heart, it doesn't overwhelm the joys of watching my daughter grow, but it is always there.
I just wish that we all had the wisdom when we are given a child that nothing in our world is more important than them. We think we know this, but we cannot really understand the magnitude that if something terrible happens to them how it will impact our lives. Children are a gift, many take for granted that they will always be here for us to love and a result of this is that we allow ourselves to become too absorbed in what we think we need to make our life easier. As parents I believe we brought these children into the world, it is our responsibility to be there for them always. Even grown children need their parents emotional support. I know I did and I was very lucky to have my parents, who were always there to help me through life's struggles.
Even though Brittni is now all away across the country, I know I will be there to give her support in any way I can. Losing Brandon taught me that we don't have any guarantees that our children will out live us, so we need to take all the ups and downs in stride, guide them to the best of our abilities throughout our life.
I am so grateful that I have my daughter, I just wish she was a little closer to me, but who knows maybe her adventure in NYC will bring great opportunities for her, and again maybe she will come back West. I do know that the best part of my life was watching my children grow, even though I might have not realized it at the time.
Saturday, October 1, 2011
One Year Anniversary of My Father's Death
Today is the one year anniversary of my father's death. I am remembering him with all of the good memories he left me with. He was always kind to me, I was his baby and I loved it. He was the one man in my life that I knew would always be there for me. Loved me no matter what and he always had a way to just make me feel secure.
My dad was my rock after my son's death. He would call me everyday to see how I was doing. He would chat about how much both of us missed Brandon. He loved Brandon so much and I knew he understood my pain and most importantly he would talk about it with me. He had suffered many losses in his life and I think this enabled him to be opened about his feelings. So many struggle with this after a death, they don't know what to say or they don't want to talk about it because it hurts too much.
My father loved my children in the same way he love me during my childhood. He was a wonderful grandpa, always attending all of their sporting event, birthdays and just truly enjoying them. He would sneak candy to the kids before breakfast when my mother wasn't looking, just because he knew they would like the treat. He understood Brandon better than anyone. I relied on him to help me with Brandon, especially when he was being unruly. Dad could always reason with Brandon, when no one else was able. I think this must have been because Brandon sensed that unconditional love he gave and probably felt safe and secure with him, just as I did. There were so many times that he came to get Brandon or Brandon went over to his house when things were not going well at home or when trouble was brewing. My dad could calm Brandon like no other. God not only gave me a great dad, but also I great mentor for my son.
I remember Brandon telling me that he could never go to my parents funeral. He didn't have to endure that, he left us first. I went to the grave to put flowers on my dad's grave and Brandon's, I didn't cry for the first time at the grave. I still felt numb, broken hearted and had such a longing to talk to both of them, but my tears didn't come as usual. As I sat at the graves, I looked at both the tombstones, thinking about these two men who mean the world to me and about how much they both taught me about life. I miss them, but I am also very grateful to have had them in my life.
Thank you dad for loving me, giving me the foundation I need to be strong. Life has thrown some pretty big curve balls my way, but I feel that you helped me know that I will survive, taught me to stand up for myself and gave me confidence to live life on my terms, and "to hell with everyone else" as you would have said, to those who have brought turmoil into my life. You are and always will be my hero.
My dad was my rock after my son's death. He would call me everyday to see how I was doing. He would chat about how much both of us missed Brandon. He loved Brandon so much and I knew he understood my pain and most importantly he would talk about it with me. He had suffered many losses in his life and I think this enabled him to be opened about his feelings. So many struggle with this after a death, they don't know what to say or they don't want to talk about it because it hurts too much.
My father loved my children in the same way he love me during my childhood. He was a wonderful grandpa, always attending all of their sporting event, birthdays and just truly enjoying them. He would sneak candy to the kids before breakfast when my mother wasn't looking, just because he knew they would like the treat. He understood Brandon better than anyone. I relied on him to help me with Brandon, especially when he was being unruly. Dad could always reason with Brandon, when no one else was able. I think this must have been because Brandon sensed that unconditional love he gave and probably felt safe and secure with him, just as I did. There were so many times that he came to get Brandon or Brandon went over to his house when things were not going well at home or when trouble was brewing. My dad could calm Brandon like no other. God not only gave me a great dad, but also I great mentor for my son.
I remember Brandon telling me that he could never go to my parents funeral. He didn't have to endure that, he left us first. I went to the grave to put flowers on my dad's grave and Brandon's, I didn't cry for the first time at the grave. I still felt numb, broken hearted and had such a longing to talk to both of them, but my tears didn't come as usual. As I sat at the graves, I looked at both the tombstones, thinking about these two men who mean the world to me and about how much they both taught me about life. I miss them, but I am also very grateful to have had them in my life.
Thank you dad for loving me, giving me the foundation I need to be strong. Life has thrown some pretty big curve balls my way, but I feel that you helped me know that I will survive, taught me to stand up for myself and gave me confidence to live life on my terms, and "to hell with everyone else" as you would have said, to those who have brought turmoil into my life. You are and always will be my hero.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Sympathy Cards - Death of a Child, The Card No One Ever Wants to Get or Give
I was waiting for a prescription yesterday, so I decided to browse through their selection of greeting cards. As I looked over the cards, I noticed that in the sympathy section, there were cards for loss of parents, loss of spouse, loss of grandparents, loss of job and even loss of a pet. Being a parent who has lost a child, I was surprised that this pharmacy didn't have any sympathy for the loss of a child. I know that many stores carry them, but still they are limited.
This speaks volumes of the trauma of losing a child. It leads me to believe the odds of losing a child are much less than losing any other members of your family. So again I ask myself why did I have to experience this? Why did my brother's family have to live with this grief too? Just seems unfair for so much pain to be put upon one family.
Many people feel that accidents just happen. God gives us free will and by doing this he isn't able to protect us. I have another view, I have to think that when we are born we all have a day already set to die. Some of us live to be old and gray, others are taken way too early in our views. I feel that we are all put on earth to learn lessons, when these lessons are mastered then it is time to go on to a better world. I believe in God, but I also believe that is it possible for our souls to be reborn after we die, that is why some of us seem like "old souls", we have already learned some important lessons and are much wiser.
This analogy helps me cope with my son's death. He was with us long enough to learn his lessons, we don't like that God took him so quickly, but I just cannot believe death is just random. My father's one year anniversary of his death is nearing. October 1st will be another sad day, then October 3rd another one, because that is his birthday. My father lived to almost 90 years old, my son lived to almost 19. I have to believe that both were here long enough for their souls to evolve enough to go onto the next level. That level might be heaven, or again I believe it might be rebirth.
Life is precious, no matter what our age. I have learned this life lesson, I have learned that it is possible to live with grief and pain that some think would kill them. It isn't easy, quite honestly it is very difficult, because I think I handle my father's death much better than my son's, I miss them both. But even after 10 years the pain of the grief over my son's death is still razor sharp, cutting me deeper some days more than others.
Maybe this is the reason there isn't much of a variety of sympathy cards for the loss of a child, it is just too depressing for people to think about, too morbid to write about.
This speaks volumes of the trauma of losing a child. It leads me to believe the odds of losing a child are much less than losing any other members of your family. So again I ask myself why did I have to experience this? Why did my brother's family have to live with this grief too? Just seems unfair for so much pain to be put upon one family.
Many people feel that accidents just happen. God gives us free will and by doing this he isn't able to protect us. I have another view, I have to think that when we are born we all have a day already set to die. Some of us live to be old and gray, others are taken way too early in our views. I feel that we are all put on earth to learn lessons, when these lessons are mastered then it is time to go on to a better world. I believe in God, but I also believe that is it possible for our souls to be reborn after we die, that is why some of us seem like "old souls", we have already learned some important lessons and are much wiser.
This analogy helps me cope with my son's death. He was with us long enough to learn his lessons, we don't like that God took him so quickly, but I just cannot believe death is just random. My father's one year anniversary of his death is nearing. October 1st will be another sad day, then October 3rd another one, because that is his birthday. My father lived to almost 90 years old, my son lived to almost 19. I have to believe that both were here long enough for their souls to evolve enough to go onto the next level. That level might be heaven, or again I believe it might be rebirth.
Life is precious, no matter what our age. I have learned this life lesson, I have learned that it is possible to live with grief and pain that some think would kill them. It isn't easy, quite honestly it is very difficult, because I think I handle my father's death much better than my son's, I miss them both. But even after 10 years the pain of the grief over my son's death is still razor sharp, cutting me deeper some days more than others.
Maybe this is the reason there isn't much of a variety of sympathy cards for the loss of a child, it is just too depressing for people to think about, too morbid to write about.
Monday, September 5, 2011
Birthdays
Another year has gone by in my life and I am ready to start on the 53rd year of my time here on earth. Every birthday, holiday or big event we have there is someone missing. It will always be this way for my family. It is difficult to balance the joy of the occasion with the sadness we feel because Brandon isn't here to celebrate with us. I miss my dad too this year, my rock is gone.
I often wonder how it is possible that I continued to have birthdays, when my son's were cut short at 18, he missed his 19th birthday by 9 days. No matter how much time goes by, the grief I feel will always rears it head and hit me hard on these days. Tears cleanse the soul, this is what I believe so I don't try to contain them. When you love a child, you cannot just stop because they are not here. The love continues and I just simply miss him. Thank God I have Brittni, I love her so much, I am blessed to have her.
Brandon's death has affected me in many different ways. I feel that I have learned what is really important to me and it isn't what the general population perceives as important. In my opinion, too many people are always racing to find happiness in material things, becoming more successful in their life (more often than not that means with their jobs and social standing), smile and put on false faces just because they think it is the proper thing to do. I have watched this so many times, been in their shoes in the past, but now I know that happiness comes from simple things, being true to what one thinks even if others don't like it and giving unconditional love to our children. No matter how much we argue with our kids, no matter how much they misbehave, there is nothing worst than losing them forever. I would take all the headaches that come with raising children any day over the pain of losing one.
My son's death has made me realize that happiness really is achieved through simple things, basic things and we all get caught up too much in striving to be successful. I have experienced this first hand, people justify whatever they do if they feel it is beneficial to them no matter who it hurts. I wish I could say that I also learned forgiveness from Brandon's death, but in fact I think it has made me less forgiving. I resent people who don't appreciate what they have, make excuses for their actions and justify what they do to others. I find that there are many self centered people in our world, ready to take what they need to make themselves happy or at least what they think makes them happy. I know I need to be more forgiving maybe I will find this in my heart someday, but not today, today I feel anger, anger that my child is not here with me, anger that people use others for their benefit, anger that people choose to put on fake smiles, especially if they need something from someone, and what is really sad that often it is the people who are suppose to be close.
I hope that maybe this year my heart will soften a bit, maybe not be so hard on the human race. But I just wish more people would keep it real......not pretend because it is in their be interest to do so. I guess I am jaded, but at least I admit it. Someday I will learn that it really is in my best interest to let everything go, just not today. But today I do feel loved and I appreciate all my birthday wishes, that is one of the simple things that make me happy. And I do know that every year I get wiser, this is the gift that we get for growing older.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Just Another Sunday for Most, But Not For My Brother and His Family
Today is just another Sunday for most, but for my brother's family it is a day of grief. It has been four months since their grandson lost his life, he left behind many grieving for him. Some people tell them that it will get better with time, but at this point for them it seems as if it is getting worst. This is what happens when you lose a child, you never think it will happen, but when it does your world changes forever.
Time helps you get use to feeling the pain, but it takes a long time to even get to that point. People don't understand that this type of lost isn't one that gets better quickly. You grieve long and hard, even after ten years I am still grieving, I will continue until my last breath. But as I do look back, I am better now, this is something I was told would happen by a parent who had lost a child. When I was told this, I thought to myself, "maybe for you, but not for me", because I was in such deep despair I couldn't see any light at the end of the tunnel. But time does help heal some of that raw, deep cutting pain, I know that now.
I guess everyone has their own time line for grief. I just know that for me it has been a long road that will never end. It has taken me many years to get better, but it has happened, something at one point I thought was impossible. I think of Brandon everyday, miss him, wish he was here, but now I am able to look upon my future with some brightness, that is a good feeling. My daughter, Brittni, has and always will be my light that I see at the end of the tunnel. I am looking forward to watching that light brighten as the years go on. I am fortunate to have her and I am grateful that I have the opportunity to watch her as she establishes herself in this world.
I pray for my brother's family, because I know that this is such a hard time. My hearts breaks for all of them, because I know what they have ahead to endure. I hope that they will see their light at the end of the tunnel, even if it takes what seems like forever.
Time helps you get use to feeling the pain, but it takes a long time to even get to that point. People don't understand that this type of lost isn't one that gets better quickly. You grieve long and hard, even after ten years I am still grieving, I will continue until my last breath. But as I do look back, I am better now, this is something I was told would happen by a parent who had lost a child. When I was told this, I thought to myself, "maybe for you, but not for me", because I was in such deep despair I couldn't see any light at the end of the tunnel. But time does help heal some of that raw, deep cutting pain, I know that now.
I guess everyone has their own time line for grief. I just know that for me it has been a long road that will never end. It has taken me many years to get better, but it has happened, something at one point I thought was impossible. I think of Brandon everyday, miss him, wish he was here, but now I am able to look upon my future with some brightness, that is a good feeling. My daughter, Brittni, has and always will be my light that I see at the end of the tunnel. I am looking forward to watching that light brighten as the years go on. I am fortunate to have her and I am grateful that I have the opportunity to watch her as she establishes herself in this world.
I pray for my brother's family, because I know that this is such a hard time. My hearts breaks for all of them, because I know what they have ahead to endure. I hope that they will see their light at the end of the tunnel, even if it takes what seems like forever.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
No Matter Where I Am .... I Miss My Son
Just returned home from a wonderful trip to Thailand. I was so fortunate to be able to share part of this trip with my daughter, Brittni. One reason that I make a point to give her the opportunity to travel is I only was able to give Brandon a small taste of traveling.
The summer after his death our family went to Europe. It was a trip that we had planned and Brandon was looking so forward to it. That trip was so hard, everything that I saw reminded me of how much Brandon would have enjoyed seeing Europe. The problem with life is we never know what is going to happen in the future, when planning this trip it never crossed my mind that my son would not be with us because of a car accident that took his life. During this trip we went through the motions of trying to enjoy ourselves, all of us, but in reality we were still reeling from Brandon's death and the each one of us were dealing with it in our own way. I am glad we made the trip, but the void of not having Brandon there was heartbreaking.
To this day, no matter where I go, I think of what Brandon would think of the places I visit. It doesn't matter where I am, he is always on my mind, even after ten years. Brittni also gets upset when we travel together, she shared with me that maybe it is because of that trip to Europe we took the summer Brandon died. He was suppose to be there with us and he wasn't. She always cries during our trip at least once, telling me how much she misses her brother. This breaks my heart, because I know she is in pain, just as I am still.
Brandon would have loved traveling to exotic places. He was so open to everything and he would have thoroughly enjoyed experiencing all there was to offer in different areas of the world. Of course, he would have been the first to go out to experience the night life. On one trip that we did take together to Whistler, Canada, he and his friend, Erik Hunt went out for the nightlife, , they ran into a young man that stayed out too late and missed his ride to his hotel, I think he was with a group traveling. Brandon and Erik came back to our condo and with them was this kid, we didn't know him, Brandon had just met him that night. Brandon knew he had missed his ride, so he decided that he needed a place to stay that night and being the type of person that he was he offered to bring him home. Again, this showed Brandon's character of kindness and openness, he was always willing to trust in others and help them when needed. Some who knew Brandon would say he had a wild streak in him, I would agree. But with this free spirit, his soul was generous and kind. Many incidents in is life showed this side of him, I wish I would have been able to see how this would have manifested in adulthood.
No matter where Jay, Brittni and I go, Brandon is always there in our hearts and minds. It just hurts that he isn't present with us physically. For the rest of our lives we will miss him, no matter where we are. For me traveling is therapeutic, for moments I can escape all the painful memories of Brandon's death, but then it hits me that he should be with me experiencing these things and all of the pain comes flooding back. I know it is the same for Brittni and I am sure for Jay too, he just doesn't show it as much, I guess that is a man's way.
No matter where I go in the world, no matter what I am doing, I miss my son. This is such a burden to carry, a pain that cannot be stopped, but I don't really want to stop missing him, the memories of him is what keeps him alive within me. I just have to learn to process these memories with more happiness than sadness. This is something even now after ten years I am still working on.
The summer after his death our family went to Europe. It was a trip that we had planned and Brandon was looking so forward to it. That trip was so hard, everything that I saw reminded me of how much Brandon would have enjoyed seeing Europe. The problem with life is we never know what is going to happen in the future, when planning this trip it never crossed my mind that my son would not be with us because of a car accident that took his life. During this trip we went through the motions of trying to enjoy ourselves, all of us, but in reality we were still reeling from Brandon's death and the each one of us were dealing with it in our own way. I am glad we made the trip, but the void of not having Brandon there was heartbreaking.
To this day, no matter where I go, I think of what Brandon would think of the places I visit. It doesn't matter where I am, he is always on my mind, even after ten years. Brittni also gets upset when we travel together, she shared with me that maybe it is because of that trip to Europe we took the summer Brandon died. He was suppose to be there with us and he wasn't. She always cries during our trip at least once, telling me how much she misses her brother. This breaks my heart, because I know she is in pain, just as I am still.
Brandon would have loved traveling to exotic places. He was so open to everything and he would have thoroughly enjoyed experiencing all there was to offer in different areas of the world. Of course, he would have been the first to go out to experience the night life. On one trip that we did take together to Whistler, Canada, he and his friend, Erik Hunt went out for the nightlife, , they ran into a young man that stayed out too late and missed his ride to his hotel, I think he was with a group traveling. Brandon and Erik came back to our condo and with them was this kid, we didn't know him, Brandon had just met him that night. Brandon knew he had missed his ride, so he decided that he needed a place to stay that night and being the type of person that he was he offered to bring him home. Again, this showed Brandon's character of kindness and openness, he was always willing to trust in others and help them when needed. Some who knew Brandon would say he had a wild streak in him, I would agree. But with this free spirit, his soul was generous and kind. Many incidents in is life showed this side of him, I wish I would have been able to see how this would have manifested in adulthood.
No matter where Jay, Brittni and I go, Brandon is always there in our hearts and minds. It just hurts that he isn't present with us physically. For the rest of our lives we will miss him, no matter where we are. For me traveling is therapeutic, for moments I can escape all the painful memories of Brandon's death, but then it hits me that he should be with me experiencing these things and all of the pain comes flooding back. I know it is the same for Brittni and I am sure for Jay too, he just doesn't show it as much, I guess that is a man's way.
No matter where I go in the world, no matter what I am doing, I miss my son. This is such a burden to carry, a pain that cannot be stopped, but I don't really want to stop missing him, the memories of him is what keeps him alive within me. I just have to learn to process these memories with more happiness than sadness. This is something even now after ten years I am still working on.
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