Another New Year is upon us, 2015, where has the time gone. I haven't written to you Brandon in my blog for a while, I know some who read these letters probably feel it is strange that I write them to someone who has died. I cannot explain it, but for me if I write as if I am talking with you it is very therapeutic for me.
Maybe I am really crazy, or I just might have a gift that I don't really understand, but something very strange happened to me last Sunday. I thought I saw you Brandon walk across our entry way, not clearly, but I was sitting on the couch and I saw a silhouette cross through the entry way into the dining room. I felt it too, maybe my mind is just playing tricks on me, but I even though I saw the figure walk in the same stance that you did. Every part of me felt that your spirit came to visit. I couldn't sleep, I kept dreaming of you, which I don't normally do and all my thoughts were of you. Brittni often tells me that she also feels as if there are ghosts in this house, someone watching her, she felt this when she came home for Thanksgiving. I hope all my thoughts on the matter haven't made her paranoid, or maybe she has a gift also. She even told me that she felt that there is a ghost or spirit now that she feels in her apartment, that wasn't there before. Are we just losing our minds or making this all up in our own subconscious?
All I really know for sure that my love for you Brandon will be with me always. That love has turned into an ache also since you left, but I am thankful that I was able to experience the love I felt for you, my first born. I often remember the day you were born, I play that over in my mind often, just to feel that happiness again, hoping that it will take away some of the pain. You were so tiny, not even big enough for newborn clothing, had to buy to preemie size. Your dad was so proud, after I delivered you all the pain of birth was forgotten as soon as they gave you to me. You were such a beautiful little boy, blonde hair, brown eyes and a mischievous smile. Full of life and mischief from the start. I would give anything to just be able to feel that joy of holding you again.
Some days now after 13 years I think I function pretty well, considering what losing a child does to a person, then there are the other days when my heart literally hurts, tears flow. I think to myself over and over why did this happen to you, why didn't I get to watch you grow into a man, I probably would be a grandmother by now if you were alive. As I often say, I feel our family has been robbed, only those who have lost a child, brother or sister really know the full meaning of that. No parent expects their child to die before them.
Brandon I hope you can read my letters or read my mind as I type these, or be looking over my shoulder as I type, so you will know that I think of you all the time, I have to believe I will see you again, that gives me hope. If I am crazy then so be it, I have to let myself believe that you come visit, I will see you again, that is my coping mechanism. Just as writing these letter in my blog, they help me on this journey of life, because it is really rough sometimes with our here.
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Wednesday, January 14, 2015
Sunday, September 15, 2013
I went to a grief support group with my friend who just lost a child in three months ago, all of stories of the parents were heartbreaking. It transported me back to when my grief was so raw, I saw in these people the torment that every parent that loses a child goes through. These groups make you realize that when you have suffered this loss, the human body handles it in different ways, grief is personal and how each person handles it is unique. I saw some that were like me in my early stages, angry, wondering why my child, outwardly showing their devastation and others who put on a strong exterior, but through their eyes you could still how deep the pain ran.
The stories of the group were hard to listen too, sad, yet as I looked into everyones' face I understood their pain, just as I know they understood mine. The parents were at all different levels of their grief, like myself their were a few who had been living a long time without their child and I could tell have learned to deal with this trauma. Then the ones new to the grief, as I listened to them speak I was transported back to my early days of grief. Day to day living was difficult, they were trying their best just to get through the day. Thoughts of ever feeling better is something they couldn't comprehend. But as I looked around the room, I saw survivors, helping one another, just really listening and from living through the ordeal to truly understand. I believe this is helpful, for me it was so important to connect to people who could relate to my pain. Maybe seeing some of us who have dealt with this for so many years gave the new ones hope that someday things will be better and even though you never get over it, you learn to live with it.
Maybe this group meeting has made my mind relive some of those early phases of grief. I had a dream about Brandon, which is very rare. In the dream he came through so vivid, it was if he was there with me. The vision of Brandon in my dream stunned me, I don't dream about him often and I woke up not being able to get the picture of him out of my mind. He looked the same as he did at the age he died. The dream had my daughter, Brittni also in it. She was a small child in the dream, who went into a store by herself with her backpack (one that she carried when she was younger) and these huge sunglasses that she wears now. A man ran out of the store with the backpack and the sunglasses and I saw him fearing for Brittni that some awful had happened. Then all of a sudden Brandon was there, it seem as if I communicated to him that something had happened to Brittni telepathically, no words spoken. In my dream he fought with this man and retrieve Brittni's things, I woke up frightened, maybe the message of this dream was that he is watching over his sister in NYC. I hope so, I hope she can feel his presence and it gives her some comfort.
This group meeting has also taken me back to the days that when I see a blond haired little boy, I automatically think of Brandon, taking my mind back to the time when he was small. It makes my heart ache for a moment, then I try to remember that I was so fortunate to have him, even if it was only for almost 19 years. I don't know if I will return to the group or not, because some of this is just too difficult to relive.
The stories of the group were hard to listen too, sad, yet as I looked into everyones' face I understood their pain, just as I know they understood mine. The parents were at all different levels of their grief, like myself their were a few who had been living a long time without their child and I could tell have learned to deal with this trauma. Then the ones new to the grief, as I listened to them speak I was transported back to my early days of grief. Day to day living was difficult, they were trying their best just to get through the day. Thoughts of ever feeling better is something they couldn't comprehend. But as I looked around the room, I saw survivors, helping one another, just really listening and from living through the ordeal to truly understand. I believe this is helpful, for me it was so important to connect to people who could relate to my pain. Maybe seeing some of us who have dealt with this for so many years gave the new ones hope that someday things will be better and even though you never get over it, you learn to live with it.
Maybe this group meeting has made my mind relive some of those early phases of grief. I had a dream about Brandon, which is very rare. In the dream he came through so vivid, it was if he was there with me. The vision of Brandon in my dream stunned me, I don't dream about him often and I woke up not being able to get the picture of him out of my mind. He looked the same as he did at the age he died. The dream had my daughter, Brittni also in it. She was a small child in the dream, who went into a store by herself with her backpack (one that she carried when she was younger) and these huge sunglasses that she wears now. A man ran out of the store with the backpack and the sunglasses and I saw him fearing for Brittni that some awful had happened. Then all of a sudden Brandon was there, it seem as if I communicated to him that something had happened to Brittni telepathically, no words spoken. In my dream he fought with this man and retrieve Brittni's things, I woke up frightened, maybe the message of this dream was that he is watching over his sister in NYC. I hope so, I hope she can feel his presence and it gives her some comfort.
This group meeting has also taken me back to the days that when I see a blond haired little boy, I automatically think of Brandon, taking my mind back to the time when he was small. It makes my heart ache for a moment, then I try to remember that I was so fortunate to have him, even if it was only for almost 19 years. I don't know if I will return to the group or not, because some of this is just too difficult to relive.
Thursday, September 5, 2013
Another Birthday Without You
Today I turn 55 years old, every time any milestone comes around my thoughts go to you. Still after all of these years I try to understand why you cannot be here to celebrate our life events. Your dad, sister and I still go through day to day life, but we all changed the day you died. Each one of us try our best to cope with our own agony of losing you. This morning when I awoke knowing it was my birthday, the first thought I had was of you, Brandon.
As I sit here and think about all the times when you were here, again I remember you laugh, your smile, your energy and how much I always worried about you. My tears don't flow as much as they use to, maybe this is healing. I watch my friends become grandparents, you would have been 31 years old, maybe I would have been a grandmother too if you would have lived. At 55 years old today, I am blessed, I have your sister, dad, good friends and my health. I try not to dwell on my broken heart and the part of me that died at the same time I lost you. I know that grief is not just emotional, but we also feel it physically, right now my heart literally hurts because you are not here.
I write in this blog as if I am writing to you, maybe as I sit here at my computer you can see me from heaven, read the words that I type. You are always going to be a part of me, my love for you will always be with me, I just wish that was enough to take away my feelings of sadness. I miss you, everyday, but especially on these special days that you should be hear with us.
As I sit here and think about all the times when you were here, again I remember you laugh, your smile, your energy and how much I always worried about you. My tears don't flow as much as they use to, maybe this is healing. I watch my friends become grandparents, you would have been 31 years old, maybe I would have been a grandmother too if you would have lived. At 55 years old today, I am blessed, I have your sister, dad, good friends and my health. I try not to dwell on my broken heart and the part of me that died at the same time I lost you. I know that grief is not just emotional, but we also feel it physically, right now my heart literally hurts because you are not here.
I write in this blog as if I am writing to you, maybe as I sit here at my computer you can see me from heaven, read the words that I type. You are always going to be a part of me, my love for you will always be with me, I just wish that was enough to take away my feelings of sadness. I miss you, everyday, but especially on these special days that you should be hear with us.
Sunday, September 9, 2012
Home....Just Isn't The Same Any More
I just arrived back home on Friday from a trip to Mexico. It was a great trip, I was able to spend the weekend with my daughter, Brittni. Then had a few days to myself and celebrated my birthday. I so much wish this weekend could of consisted of my son, Brandon and my daughter, Brittni. But he is gone, now 10 1/2 years, but I still wish that he was here.
Your home is suppose to be your sanctuary, but for me it is more like a dungeon. I feel so much more free when I am away. This house reminds me of how things used to be, a home with two children long ago, enjoying all of the amenities with family and friends. Then it became a place full of sadness, because the three of us remaining here had to live with the death of Brandon. Next came the empty nest, Brittni off to college, just my husband and I left with all of our memories. Now Brittni is living across the United States in New York and this large house is empty. Empty in the sense of dwellers, but not void of all of the memories made over 19 years. It is strange that I just wrote 19 years, because that was the age which Brandon died, almost 19 years old. We have been in this house as long as we had him here on earth.
I wish it was possible for me to just keep all the good memories of this house, but it is a task that is just too hard for me. Every time I am gone and return to it, I am flooded with feelings of sadness, thoughts of what should have been and how empty this house seems to me. I feel that my emotions are all tied up with this house, all the wonderful times that brought me happiness and all the grief that created so much pain. A dungeon that is holding me, I know that all of my emotions will follow me wherever I go, so maybe I should not call this house my dungeon, maybe I am creating my own prison with my mind flooded with all of these thoughts.
My mind seems to be able to relax when I am away, maybe it is just a temporary fix, but it does help me, I don't know why. So for now one of my coping skills will be to take little breaks away from my house, until the time comes that my mind and soul can cope with all these memories made here over the last 19 years or when I decide it is time to leave the house, where I have lived so much of my adult life. The place I call home, but now it seems like my dungeon. Some may think, why doesn't she just leave then, the only problem is that the my daughter and husband still think of it as their sanctuary, holding on to all the good memories, so for now I will try my best to fight my demons that live here and try to think of all the wonderful memories that have been created in this house. Wish me luck.
Your home is suppose to be your sanctuary, but for me it is more like a dungeon. I feel so much more free when I am away. This house reminds me of how things used to be, a home with two children long ago, enjoying all of the amenities with family and friends. Then it became a place full of sadness, because the three of us remaining here had to live with the death of Brandon. Next came the empty nest, Brittni off to college, just my husband and I left with all of our memories. Now Brittni is living across the United States in New York and this large house is empty. Empty in the sense of dwellers, but not void of all of the memories made over 19 years. It is strange that I just wrote 19 years, because that was the age which Brandon died, almost 19 years old. We have been in this house as long as we had him here on earth.
I wish it was possible for me to just keep all the good memories of this house, but it is a task that is just too hard for me. Every time I am gone and return to it, I am flooded with feelings of sadness, thoughts of what should have been and how empty this house seems to me. I feel that my emotions are all tied up with this house, all the wonderful times that brought me happiness and all the grief that created so much pain. A dungeon that is holding me, I know that all of my emotions will follow me wherever I go, so maybe I should not call this house my dungeon, maybe I am creating my own prison with my mind flooded with all of these thoughts.
My mind seems to be able to relax when I am away, maybe it is just a temporary fix, but it does help me, I don't know why. So for now one of my coping skills will be to take little breaks away from my house, until the time comes that my mind and soul can cope with all these memories made here over the last 19 years or when I decide it is time to leave the house, where I have lived so much of my adult life. The place I call home, but now it seems like my dungeon. Some may think, why doesn't she just leave then, the only problem is that the my daughter and husband still think of it as their sanctuary, holding on to all the good memories, so for now I will try my best to fight my demons that live here and try to think of all the wonderful memories that have been created in this house. Wish me luck.
Thursday, June 7, 2012
A Random Day
Today was one of those random days where for no specific reason I woke up feeling as if I was transported back into time at the place where I was in my first stage of grief. I don't understand why this happens, but there are definitely days like these that blind side me every so often. My heart aches, it is physical as well as emotional, when your child dies, I believe that it is impossible to completely recover. Today was a day for grieving Brandon's death, these days are uncomfortable for some around me, but I do believe they help with the ongoing healing process. They are not pleasant, more like torturous, but familiar. I don't think any parent can comprehend the thought of life without the child they created, I believe it is just too painful to even think of the possibility. But to those of us who have survived, and believe me I use the word survive in its true meaning, because that is all you can do at the beginning is just make it through each day, we have a complete understanding of what agony it really is. I think this is the reason that I have these random days, I am still processing Brandon's death, even after all of this time. I also think these will continue for the rest of my life, it is just the way it is. I make it through most days like a normal person, then these random days hit me and I am reminded of all the damage my son's death has done to a me. I am just glad that this day is over and maybe my next random day might be a little less painful.
Friday, May 11, 2012
10th Mother's Day Without My Son
On Sunday May 13, 2012 will be the 10th Mother's Day I have had to get through without my son. I am thankful that I still have my daughter and I need to be able to get past this pain that hits me so hard every holiday. I know that for my own sanity, I should be able to just to enjoy the present and think about the times I spent with Brandon, my son, and times I have to look forward with my daughter, Brittni. I know all of this on an intellectual level, but my heart and emotions seem to win this battle over my own intellectual thoughts.
It seems that on days like today, I am bound and determined to let my emotions surface and it is weird that it also seems as if I embrace them, pain and all. I am not sure why I do this, it feels as if it is something out of my control. I am drawn to go deep inside myself and feel the pain, I feel the need to go visit Brandon's grave, maybe it is because it is Mother's Day and this is the only thing a mother of a dead child can do for them. So I will go, put new flowers on his grave and make it look pretty. It will be painful, as it always is, but also it is therapeutic for me. Tears cleanse the soul they say and from my own experience I have found this to be true. So today I will cleanse my soul through my tears. Then pick myself up, pull myself together and face another Mother's Day without my son.
I don't write in this blog for pity, I write in it for myself. I choose to share my thoughts in hopes that maybe another parent who has lost a child can read it and realize that their feelings are normal, because only someone who has gone through this knows how it feels and others may think you are just crazy, or that you need to get over it. But this is so much easier said than done and really how could a parent get over the loss of a child. We go on, somedays better than others, yes we heal but slowly and we never completely recover. But we are survivors and we will make it even on days when we think it is impossible.
It seems that on days like today, I am bound and determined to let my emotions surface and it is weird that it also seems as if I embrace them, pain and all. I am not sure why I do this, it feels as if it is something out of my control. I am drawn to go deep inside myself and feel the pain, I feel the need to go visit Brandon's grave, maybe it is because it is Mother's Day and this is the only thing a mother of a dead child can do for them. So I will go, put new flowers on his grave and make it look pretty. It will be painful, as it always is, but also it is therapeutic for me. Tears cleanse the soul they say and from my own experience I have found this to be true. So today I will cleanse my soul through my tears. Then pick myself up, pull myself together and face another Mother's Day without my son.
I don't write in this blog for pity, I write in it for myself. I choose to share my thoughts in hopes that maybe another parent who has lost a child can read it and realize that their feelings are normal, because only someone who has gone through this knows how it feels and others may think you are just crazy, or that you need to get over it. But this is so much easier said than done and really how could a parent get over the loss of a child. We go on, somedays better than others, yes we heal but slowly and we never completely recover. But we are survivors and we will make it even on days when we think it is impossible.
Saturday, February 18, 2012
10 Years Ago Tomorrow Tragedy Struck Our Family
Tomorrow will be the 10th anniversary of my son's death, I cannot believe it has been 10 years. My heart aches today, knowing tomorrow is going to be an even harder day. I was posting pictures of Brandon this week on my Facebook account, I memorial to my son, I will do this everyday until his birthday February 28th. It is therapeutic for me, gives me the opportunity to look back on all the good times we had with him. He was a beautiful blond haired baby, who grew into a handsome blond hair, browned eyed young man. I wish I would have been able to watch this young man grow, but God had other plans for him. I have to think that there was a reason he had to leave us, I believe that we all have our predestined time to die. That is the time when all of our work here on earth has been done and it is time to move on to eternal happiness, peace and joy. I have to believe that I will see him again when I die, that is what keeps me sane.
I believe that Brandon continues to send me messages that he is okay. Just last night, right as I was posting a picture on Facebook of him with some of his high school friends, I had a knock at my door. I opened the door and Brandon's good friend Pablo was there, I haven't seen or spoke to Pablo in over 1 1/2 years. He said he was riding by on his motorcycle, saw Jay's truck and hoped that we still lived in our house. So he decided to stop in. The timing of this visit was perfect, coincidence some might say, but since Brandon died too many incidents like this has happened for them all to be coincidence. Pablo told me right away that he had a dream of Brandon two nights before. He said the dream was so real he thought for a moment he was still alive, but then realized he was dead, told Brandon in his dream, "You are dead" and started to cry. Brandon said to him "dude it is okay". Pablo has had some tough times that he is working through and he told me that he dreams of Brandon often and maybe he is one of his guardian angels. I believe this to be true, because Brandon was always concerned about Pablo when he was alive. Yes, they did some crazy things together, the way teenage boys do. But I remember times when Brandon would have a serious conversation with me about what Pablo had been through in his life and I saw the compassion he had for him. He was a good friend to Brandon and Brandon to him.
Little things like this keeps my faith strong that my son is trying to tell me that he is okay. He had such a strong spirit, in life as well as in death. I hope that he can see how much we love him. I am counting on him to watch over his sister, Brittni, because he can do more from heaven than I can here on earth. He always harassed her when he was alive, but at the same time as very protective. She misses him terribly, being only 13 years old when he died, she has moments now that the grief comes upon her so hard. I think at 13 she didn't have the coping skills to deal with this type of trauma, so I think that as she has gotten older she is trying to deal with it now. I feel for her, she had a brother that should be here to help her with life issues that come up, but he is gone, she feels as if she is alone. Of course she knows Jay and I are here for her, but I know that having siblings to share experiences, talk about issues going on in your life and help guide you is important. I am so sad that she doesn't have Brandon here.
Life without my son is hard to handle, but we keep taking one step after another, we have been at it for 10 years now, this is something that my family will have to deal with forever. It is never going to stop hurting, yes we continue with our daily lives, but Brandon is never far from our thoughts. He is with us in our hearts and will be until we see him again in heave.
I believe that Brandon continues to send me messages that he is okay. Just last night, right as I was posting a picture on Facebook of him with some of his high school friends, I had a knock at my door. I opened the door and Brandon's good friend Pablo was there, I haven't seen or spoke to Pablo in over 1 1/2 years. He said he was riding by on his motorcycle, saw Jay's truck and hoped that we still lived in our house. So he decided to stop in. The timing of this visit was perfect, coincidence some might say, but since Brandon died too many incidents like this has happened for them all to be coincidence. Pablo told me right away that he had a dream of Brandon two nights before. He said the dream was so real he thought for a moment he was still alive, but then realized he was dead, told Brandon in his dream, "You are dead" and started to cry. Brandon said to him "dude it is okay". Pablo has had some tough times that he is working through and he told me that he dreams of Brandon often and maybe he is one of his guardian angels. I believe this to be true, because Brandon was always concerned about Pablo when he was alive. Yes, they did some crazy things together, the way teenage boys do. But I remember times when Brandon would have a serious conversation with me about what Pablo had been through in his life and I saw the compassion he had for him. He was a good friend to Brandon and Brandon to him.
Little things like this keeps my faith strong that my son is trying to tell me that he is okay. He had such a strong spirit, in life as well as in death. I hope that he can see how much we love him. I am counting on him to watch over his sister, Brittni, because he can do more from heaven than I can here on earth. He always harassed her when he was alive, but at the same time as very protective. She misses him terribly, being only 13 years old when he died, she has moments now that the grief comes upon her so hard. I think at 13 she didn't have the coping skills to deal with this type of trauma, so I think that as she has gotten older she is trying to deal with it now. I feel for her, she had a brother that should be here to help her with life issues that come up, but he is gone, she feels as if she is alone. Of course she knows Jay and I are here for her, but I know that having siblings to share experiences, talk about issues going on in your life and help guide you is important. I am so sad that she doesn't have Brandon here.
Life without my son is hard to handle, but we keep taking one step after another, we have been at it for 10 years now, this is something that my family will have to deal with forever. It is never going to stop hurting, yes we continue with our daily lives, but Brandon is never far from our thoughts. He is with us in our hearts and will be until we see him again in heave.
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