Mother's Day

Mother's Day is a day to show appreciation to your mother for all she has done for you.  My mother is strong willed, even though she has alzheimer disease her will still at times shines through.   She never had to tell me how much she loved me, I just knew by her actions.  Never was there a time in my life did I question if she loved me or not.  She was tough and strict, as I was growing up, I didn't always agree with her, but I always loved her.  She spanked me when I was younger, told me when she thought I was wrong and very opinionated.  I have turned out to be like my mother.  I have the same traits and I am proud of her for raising me to be the woman that I am.  She taught me morals and pulled me back in line when I step out of the boundaries.  She taught me that no matter how tough things get or how much we argued she would always be there for me when times got tough.  My mother held our family together, it is hard to see her the way she is now.  But then again she seems to be okay and no longer has to worry about things like she use to.

I am not the easiest person to get along with, because I was speak my mind, even sometimes when I should hold my tongue.  As a mother, I love my children with all my heart, just the way my mother taught be by her actions.  This isn't to say that having me as a mother is an easy task, just ask Brittni.  I can be difficult,  but I also know that she feels that I love her unconditionally.  This is the most important thing for me, to let my child know that I will always be there for her, no matter what.  I am like a mother bear when it comes to protecting my child, I can do and say whatever I want, but others better beware if they bring any harm to her in anyway.

Mother's Days is a difficult time for me, because Brandon is not here.  It makes me sad and as much as I hate to admit it, a bit jealous of all the mothers who have all their children still with them.  I know it isn't fair for me to feel this way, I would not wish the pain of losing on a child on anyone, even my worst enemy.  But I still cannot help that emotion from rearing it's ugly head.  I am damaged and I know that, broken like a glass vase that you glue back together.  It stays together for the most part, but sometimes it just falls apart and breaks again in the same place.   That is how your heart feels after you have lost a child.   A feeling my family know much too well.

This Mother's Day I am going to think about how proud I am of my daughter, Brittni, who is graduating college in May.  I will also think of all the good times I had with Brandon.  I am glad that I had the opportunity to know the love that a mother has for her children.  I am thankful to be a mother and always thankful for having the mother that I did.

Celebration of Life Chase Dupree

A Celebration of Life was held yesterday in Susanville, California for Chase Dupree.  It is sad to think that  such an event had to be planned, life is so unpredictable.  Everything seems to be going along just fine, then all of a sudden, something happens that turns your world upside down.  I know that my brother's family is hurting, trying to process in their minds the fact that they have lost a child.  This isn't a easy task, because it is just not natural and way too horrible to even imagine.

I did not attend the Celebration of Life, but Cathy, my sister-in-law, wrote that it was a success.  Balloons were released up into the heavens for Chase,  I am sure he was watching from above wishing he could take away the pain that everyone was feeling.  It is wonderful to have events like these for those of us who have lost a child, it hurts, but at the same time it is comforting to feel the love that radiates from everyone attending.  Chase was loved and he will be remembered by all who knew him, he left his imprint on this earth, even though he only resided here 13 years.  I hope everyone shared and keeps sharing stories about Chase to his family, this helps, to be reassured that his memory lives on with others.

Chase's family decided to donate his functioning organs to help others.  I cannot fathom how hard this would be, we didn't do this when my son died, but I think is one of the most selfless and generous gifts that can be given.  A part of Chase will live on physically in someone else, he has given another child the gift of life.  I am proud that my family had the strength and generosity to do this.  It speaks volumes of the character of this family.  Even in agony, they were able to see through the pain to help someone else.

I wasn't at the Celebration of Life for Chase, but he was on my mind all day yesterday and today.  I will think of Chase often, say a prayer for him to help his family through the days and years ahead.  I believe that he will find a way to let them know that his spirit lives on, I think he might have already have done this.  I know that Brandon gave me signs, some might think they were coincidences, but I know better, you soul can just feel it.

Chase has his wings now, he has family with him, a great grandmother, two great grandfathers and a young angel named Brandon to help him learn the ropes of heaven.  I know this doesn't help the family, because all they really want is Chase here with them.  But I know that I did find some a bit of peace knowing that when my dad passed, he would be with Brandon.  I know that in the end we will all end up together.

Why????

I received some horrible news this past week about my great nephew, Chase Dupree, and again I ask myself the question why horrible things have to happen.  Chase and his friend were chasing a squirrel near his home and it ran into a pipe.  So the boys picked up the pipe to get the squirrel and the pipe hit the electrical wire above on the pole.  This act sent an electrical shock into Chase and his friend.  Both boys were injured, Chase's friend was release from the hospital, but the damage from the shock has left Chase lying in a hospital bed hooked up to life support.

This thirteen year old boy and his family have been robbed of his future.  An accident that changed all of their lives within minutes.  I know the feeling, again I ask why do we have to suffer pain like this, why does life have to be so dfficult and why do we have to see our love ones suffer.  Chase has a loving family who is devastated, this family has been through so much trauma, I don't know why God would put any more on their shoulders to bear.

My heart aches for his mother, father,, grandmothers, grandfathers, aunts, uncles, cousins, siblings and friends.  They have all been their by his bedside having to watch this young boy, who was full of life just days ago, now filled with tubes and machines keeping him alive.  The pain and trauma of this type of accident impacts everyone of them.  Why do people have to experience this?  Some say God never gives you more than you can bear, but at moments like these I question that statement.

This incident is another example how your life can change in just moments, for some of us we have to experience more pain than others it seems.  I also ask, why?  I know from my son's death that we learn lessons from pain, but I don't think it is fair and at times like these it makes me realize that we never know what we may have to face from day to day.

I wish I knew words to help my family members during this time, but I know from my own personal experience, that there are no words that can help.  The heart and soul is broken when we hear news like this, the pain is not only emotional but physical as well.  We seek answers to why this had to happen, but  there are no answer, no reason and we are left with pain.  I watched my family during my visit at the hospital and saw the same emotions that I went through.  Why is life so hard?  Why do we have to experience trauma and be expected to keep walking through life.  I still search for these answers.

The Count Down Has Begun

The count down has begun, February 14th, five more days until the day that my life turned upside down nine years ago February 19th, I can honestly say that was the darkest day that I have yet experienced in my life.  Brandon's death occurred nine years ago, I have looked back into my journals and see that I have made progress with my grief.  It isn't as raw as it once was, but it still hurts, aches is more the word that appropriately describes it.  After the 19th, then 9 more days until the February 28th, Brandon's birthday.  February is a month that is hard for me, I cannot wait until March, then I know I have made it through another year facing the month of February.  Life is not easy for anyone, but for those of us who have lost children, our world is very different.  We know the reality of having a child die before their parent, very unnatural, it just isn't suppose to be that way.  We do not have the opportunity to watch that child, who we gave life to, go on with their future.  We ourselves do go on, watch our other children grow, this gives us joy, because we know what a gift this is, something others might take for granted.  The death of my child has given me clarity on many things, put life in perspective, has taught me that you really don't know what you have until it is gone.  We can lose many things in our life that we believe is important, but until you have experienced the loss of a child, I feel you don't fully understand that what you think is important might not be at all.  My daughter is my top priority in my life, even though she is almost 22 years old, I feel blessed that God gave her to me.  She literally saved me, without her I don't think I could have survived Brandon's death.   I wish again that I didn't have to learn this lesson through my son's death.  I wish I could go back in time knowing what I know now and tell Brandon how much I love him, I know I would handle things differently if I could.  The days of February are sorrowful for me, but I will celebrate March, the month that I was blessed with my daughter.  I just wish I could have been able to watch both of my children grow into adults.  I often wonder what Brandon would be doing now with his life, maybe he was spared from the turmoil that we all experience during our lifetimes, the sadness, disappointment, but he also missed out on the joys.  I have to believe that he is now in heaven with my dad, watching over us.  I feel positive that I will see him again, I have to hold on to that.

February is Approaching

I don't know how to explain it, but here I am writing in this blog to see if it helps me relieve some of my anxiety that I am feeling knowing that the month of February is approaching.  I am trying to iron shirts this morning and my mind just keeps thinking that the dreaded month of February will be here soon.  It is as if my whole nervous system is on high alert, I feel as if I am ready to crawl out of my own skin.

If will be nine years since my son died and still I feel this way as the day of his death gets closer.  Then his birthday comes nine days later, I am angry that I don't have him to celebrate with.  I often wonder if I will ever get over this feeling, but year after year, I feel the same way.

You have to have experienced this type of trauma to understand it, because it is so hard to explain.  Not only does my mind race, but my body, my heart hurts.  I write in this blog to help me with my emotions.  Sometimes when I feel like this, I really feel a bit crazy, I am a control freak and I cannot control my own feelings and it drives me over the edge.

So again, I write in this blog and take a deep breath, try to understand that this is something I will have to live with my entire life and as time goes on I just cope, hopefully better with each passing year.  I think that is wishful thinking, because it doesn't get better, I just accept the reality that my son is gone and I need to do my best to go on with my life.

Grateful Today for Lessons Taught

Grief is something that never ends, it grows weaker but it is always there.  It affects me in so many different ways, sometimes I am just angry, other times I feel sad and then there is that feeling that something is wrong or something awful is going to happen.  I try to face these feelings and realize that these are normal for a parent who has lost a child, but I wish I could just make them go away.  I do accomplish and live my life pretty normal, whatever normal is.  Everyone has their own interpretation of normal.  

This year I am going to make an effort to take care of myself better.  I have some ideas on what I want to do, now I just need to do them.  I am so blessed to have been raised by two parents who loved me, my father was a special man who taught me about the important things in life.  I love my brothers and they love me.  My daughter is my light, I am so excited for her to start her journey after college, I know I will be proud of her, I wish her happiness and adventure.  I would like to think that I can take a bit of that unconditional love my dad showed me and give it back to her.   All of these people I have mentioned I know I can count on in my dark times.  My mother might not be able to show me that she understands what I am saying, but when I go by and talk to her, I feel that we connect.  I need to go more often, it is hard since my dad has died, because I miss him not being there too.  My brothers make me feel secure, being around both of them gives me a peaceful feeling.  My daughter and I argue at times, but she knows that I love her more than life and I know she loves me. As I have said, she is my light and keeps me looking toward the future.  

I thank God that I was raised in a household that taught me that blood (family) is important and that my siblings feel that also.  I am sad that Brandon had to leave and Brittni doesn't have this same connection in her life.  I know he would have been there for her no matter what, that was the way Brandon was, even though he didn't always show it.  He was protective of his sister.  I have to believe that Brandon and my Dad are now helping me on my journey of life, by the things that they both taught me while they were here.  I have a feeling I am going to need all the knowledge and strength that I can find to make this a good year and full of right decisions.   I am determined to improve myself.

A New Year

The end of 2010 is near, what will the future hold for 2011.  I wish I had a crystal ball and could look into the future to see what is going to happen.  I feel a need to always be on alert, ready for something to happen.  This hasn't always been the way I have felt, but even since Brandon's death nothing seems to be the same for me.  I feel as if I have to prepare myself for the next ball to drop....on October 1, 2010 it did, another death I had to deal with, my father,  I tried to prepare myself for that, I had, but still I felt the pain of losing another person who I loved.  I miss him.....I miss Brandon, Brandon's death has prepared me for almost anything.  I lived through that...I know I can get through anything, except losing another child.  I couldn't ever do that again.  My emotions have been all over the place, probably because of the holidays, Brittni, Jay and I cannot experience the same joy that most people can, we have a big piece of our family puzzle missing.  I know it must be hard for people to understand, because it has been almost 9 years, in our society it seems as if most feel as if you must move on, you do, but the void is always there.  Since Brandon has died Brittni has become very emotional every Christmas, her emotions are conflicting, she is excited about the holiday, but then when it comes the pain of the loss is ever present.  Jay tries to be positive, but you can see the pain in his face too.  For me, I openly admit that I dread Christmas.  But I am going to try to look forward to the New Year.  I have some very important celebrations coming up....Brittni is graduating from college, I cannot believe it, I am so proud of her.  Tanner, my nephew, who is currently living at our house, will be graduating high school, he has worked hard to make up for some past mistakes, I knew he could do it.  This next year I will be working on myself, clear my mind from clutter that I allow others to cause.  Look forward to trying to find more peace, let go of negative energy, I do have trouble with this....I am sorry to admit.  I am happy with the person I am, I am flawed, damaged goods as I call myself, but that is okay, because I am a product of my life experiences both good and bad.  I am a work in progress and will try to use 2011 to better prepare myself for what is to come.