Just Another Sunday for Most, But Not For My Brother and His Family

Today is just another Sunday for most, but for my brother's family it is a day of grief.  It has been four months since their grandson lost his life, he left behind many grieving for him.  Some people tell them that it will get better with time, but at this point for them it seems as if it is getting worst.  This is what happens when you lose a child, you never think it will happen, but when it does your world changes forever.

Time helps you get use to feeling the pain, but it takes a long time to even get to that point.  People don't understand that this type of lost isn't one that gets better quickly.  You grieve long and hard, even after ten years I am still grieving, I will continue until my last breath.  But as I do look back, I am better now, this is something I was told would happen by a parent who had lost a child.  When I was told this, I thought to myself, "maybe for you, but not for me", because I was in such deep despair I couldn't see any light at the end of the tunnel.  But time does help heal some of that raw, deep cutting pain, I know that now.

I guess everyone has their own time line for grief.  I just know that for me it has been a long road that will never end.  It has taken me many years to get better, but it has happened, something at one point I thought was impossible.  I think of Brandon everyday, miss him, wish he was here, but now I am able to look upon my future with some brightness, that is a good feeling.  My daughter, Brittni, has and always will be my light that I see at the end of the tunnel.  I am looking forward to watching that light brighten as the years go on.  I am fortunate to have her and I am grateful that I have the opportunity to watch her as she establishes herself in this world.

I pray for my brother's family, because I know that this is such a hard time.  My hearts breaks for all of them, because I know what they have ahead to endure.  I hope that they will see their light at the end of the tunnel, even if it takes what seems like forever.

No Matter Where I Am .... I Miss My Son

Just returned home from a wonderful trip to Thailand.  I was so fortunate to be able to share part of this trip with my daughter, Brittni.  One reason that I make a point to give her the opportunity to travel is I only was able to give Brandon a small taste of traveling.

The summer after his death our family went to Europe.  It was a trip that we had planned and Brandon was looking so forward to it.  That trip was so hard, everything that I saw reminded me of how much Brandon would have enjoyed seeing Europe.  The problem with life is we never know what is going to happen in the future, when planning this trip it never crossed my mind that my son would not be with us because of a car accident that took his life.  During this trip we went through the motions of trying to enjoy ourselves, all of us, but in reality we were still reeling from Brandon's death and the each one of us were dealing with it in our own way.  I am glad we made the trip, but the void of not having Brandon there was heartbreaking.

To this day, no matter where I go, I think of what Brandon would think of the places I visit.  It doesn't matter where I am, he is always on my mind, even after ten years.  Brittni also gets upset when we travel together, she shared with me that maybe it is because of that trip to Europe we took the summer Brandon died.  He was suppose to be there with us and he wasn't.  She always cries during our trip at least once, telling me how much she misses her brother.  This breaks my heart, because I know she is in pain, just as I am still.

Brandon would have loved traveling to exotic places.  He was so open to everything and he would have thoroughly enjoyed experiencing all there was to offer in different areas of the world.  Of course, he would have been the first to go out to experience the night life.  On one trip that we did take together to Whistler, Canada,  he and his friend, Erik Hunt went out for the nightlife, , they ran into a young man that stayed out too late and missed his ride to his hotel, I think he was with a group traveling.  Brandon and Erik came back to our condo and with them was this kid, we didn't know him, Brandon had just met him that night.  Brandon knew he had missed his ride, so he decided that he needed a place to stay that night and being the type of person that he was he offered to bring him home.  Again, this showed Brandon's character of kindness and openness, he was always willing to trust in others and help them when needed.  Some who knew Brandon would say he had a wild streak in him, I would agree.  But with this free spirit, his soul was generous and kind.  Many incidents in is life showed this side of him, I wish I would have been able to see how this would have manifested in adulthood.

No matter where Jay, Brittni and I go, Brandon is always there in our hearts and minds.  It just hurts that he isn't present with us physically.  For the rest of our lives we will miss him, no matter where we are.  For me traveling is therapeutic, for moments I can escape all the painful memories of Brandon's death, but then it hits me that he should be with me experiencing these things and all of the pain comes flooding back.  I know it is the same for Brittni and I am sure for Jay too, he just doesn't show it as much, I guess that is a man's way.

No matter where I go in the world, no matter what I am doing, I miss my son.  This is such a burden to carry, a pain that cannot be stopped, but I don't really want to stop missing him, the memories of him is what keeps him alive within me.  I just have to learn to process these memories with more happiness than sadness.  This is something even now after ten years I am still working on.

Mother's Day

Mother's Day is a day to show appreciation to your mother for all she has done for you.  My mother is strong willed, even though she has alzheimer disease her will still at times shines through.   She never had to tell me how much she loved me, I just knew by her actions.  Never was there a time in my life did I question if she loved me or not.  She was tough and strict, as I was growing up, I didn't always agree with her, but I always loved her.  She spanked me when I was younger, told me when she thought I was wrong and very opinionated.  I have turned out to be like my mother.  I have the same traits and I am proud of her for raising me to be the woman that I am.  She taught me morals and pulled me back in line when I step out of the boundaries.  She taught me that no matter how tough things get or how much we argued she would always be there for me when times got tough.  My mother held our family together, it is hard to see her the way she is now.  But then again she seems to be okay and no longer has to worry about things like she use to.

I am not the easiest person to get along with, because I was speak my mind, even sometimes when I should hold my tongue.  As a mother, I love my children with all my heart, just the way my mother taught be by her actions.  This isn't to say that having me as a mother is an easy task, just ask Brittni.  I can be difficult,  but I also know that she feels that I love her unconditionally.  This is the most important thing for me, to let my child know that I will always be there for her, no matter what.  I am like a mother bear when it comes to protecting my child, I can do and say whatever I want, but others better beware if they bring any harm to her in anyway.

Mother's Days is a difficult time for me, because Brandon is not here.  It makes me sad and as much as I hate to admit it, a bit jealous of all the mothers who have all their children still with them.  I know it isn't fair for me to feel this way, I would not wish the pain of losing on a child on anyone, even my worst enemy.  But I still cannot help that emotion from rearing it's ugly head.  I am damaged and I know that, broken like a glass vase that you glue back together.  It stays together for the most part, but sometimes it just falls apart and breaks again in the same place.   That is how your heart feels after you have lost a child.   A feeling my family know much too well.

This Mother's Day I am going to think about how proud I am of my daughter, Brittni, who is graduating college in May.  I will also think of all the good times I had with Brandon.  I am glad that I had the opportunity to know the love that a mother has for her children.  I am thankful to be a mother and always thankful for having the mother that I did.

Celebration of Life Chase Dupree

A Celebration of Life was held yesterday in Susanville, California for Chase Dupree.  It is sad to think that  such an event had to be planned, life is so unpredictable.  Everything seems to be going along just fine, then all of a sudden, something happens that turns your world upside down.  I know that my brother's family is hurting, trying to process in their minds the fact that they have lost a child.  This isn't a easy task, because it is just not natural and way too horrible to even imagine.

I did not attend the Celebration of Life, but Cathy, my sister-in-law, wrote that it was a success.  Balloons were released up into the heavens for Chase,  I am sure he was watching from above wishing he could take away the pain that everyone was feeling.  It is wonderful to have events like these for those of us who have lost a child, it hurts, but at the same time it is comforting to feel the love that radiates from everyone attending.  Chase was loved and he will be remembered by all who knew him, he left his imprint on this earth, even though he only resided here 13 years.  I hope everyone shared and keeps sharing stories about Chase to his family, this helps, to be reassured that his memory lives on with others.

Chase's family decided to donate his functioning organs to help others.  I cannot fathom how hard this would be, we didn't do this when my son died, but I think is one of the most selfless and generous gifts that can be given.  A part of Chase will live on physically in someone else, he has given another child the gift of life.  I am proud that my family had the strength and generosity to do this.  It speaks volumes of the character of this family.  Even in agony, they were able to see through the pain to help someone else.

I wasn't at the Celebration of Life for Chase, but he was on my mind all day yesterday and today.  I will think of Chase often, say a prayer for him to help his family through the days and years ahead.  I believe that he will find a way to let them know that his spirit lives on, I think he might have already have done this.  I know that Brandon gave me signs, some might think they were coincidences, but I know better, you soul can just feel it.

Chase has his wings now, he has family with him, a great grandmother, two great grandfathers and a young angel named Brandon to help him learn the ropes of heaven.  I know this doesn't help the family, because all they really want is Chase here with them.  But I know that I did find some a bit of peace knowing that when my dad passed, he would be with Brandon.  I know that in the end we will all end up together.

Why????

I received some horrible news this past week about my great nephew, Chase Dupree, and again I ask myself the question why horrible things have to happen.  Chase and his friend were chasing a squirrel near his home and it ran into a pipe.  So the boys picked up the pipe to get the squirrel and the pipe hit the electrical wire above on the pole.  This act sent an electrical shock into Chase and his friend.  Both boys were injured, Chase's friend was release from the hospital, but the damage from the shock has left Chase lying in a hospital bed hooked up to life support.

This thirteen year old boy and his family have been robbed of his future.  An accident that changed all of their lives within minutes.  I know the feeling, again I ask why do we have to suffer pain like this, why does life have to be so dfficult and why do we have to see our love ones suffer.  Chase has a loving family who is devastated, this family has been through so much trauma, I don't know why God would put any more on their shoulders to bear.

My heart aches for his mother, father,, grandmothers, grandfathers, aunts, uncles, cousins, siblings and friends.  They have all been their by his bedside having to watch this young boy, who was full of life just days ago, now filled with tubes and machines keeping him alive.  The pain and trauma of this type of accident impacts everyone of them.  Why do people have to experience this?  Some say God never gives you more than you can bear, but at moments like these I question that statement.

This incident is another example how your life can change in just moments, for some of us we have to experience more pain than others it seems.  I also ask, why?  I know from my son's death that we learn lessons from pain, but I don't think it is fair and at times like these it makes me realize that we never know what we may have to face from day to day.

I wish I knew words to help my family members during this time, but I know from my own personal experience, that there are no words that can help.  The heart and soul is broken when we hear news like this, the pain is not only emotional but physical as well.  We seek answers to why this had to happen, but  there are no answer, no reason and we are left with pain.  I watched my family during my visit at the hospital and saw the same emotions that I went through.  Why is life so hard?  Why do we have to experience trauma and be expected to keep walking through life.  I still search for these answers.

The Count Down Has Begun

The count down has begun, February 14th, five more days until the day that my life turned upside down nine years ago February 19th, I can honestly say that was the darkest day that I have yet experienced in my life.  Brandon's death occurred nine years ago, I have looked back into my journals and see that I have made progress with my grief.  It isn't as raw as it once was, but it still hurts, aches is more the word that appropriately describes it.  After the 19th, then 9 more days until the February 28th, Brandon's birthday.  February is a month that is hard for me, I cannot wait until March, then I know I have made it through another year facing the month of February.  Life is not easy for anyone, but for those of us who have lost children, our world is very different.  We know the reality of having a child die before their parent, very unnatural, it just isn't suppose to be that way.  We do not have the opportunity to watch that child, who we gave life to, go on with their future.  We ourselves do go on, watch our other children grow, this gives us joy, because we know what a gift this is, something others might take for granted.  The death of my child has given me clarity on many things, put life in perspective, has taught me that you really don't know what you have until it is gone.  We can lose many things in our life that we believe is important, but until you have experienced the loss of a child, I feel you don't fully understand that what you think is important might not be at all.  My daughter is my top priority in my life, even though she is almost 22 years old, I feel blessed that God gave her to me.  She literally saved me, without her I don't think I could have survived Brandon's death.   I wish again that I didn't have to learn this lesson through my son's death.  I wish I could go back in time knowing what I know now and tell Brandon how much I love him, I know I would handle things differently if I could.  The days of February are sorrowful for me, but I will celebrate March, the month that I was blessed with my daughter.  I just wish I could have been able to watch both of my children grow into adults.  I often wonder what Brandon would be doing now with his life, maybe he was spared from the turmoil that we all experience during our lifetimes, the sadness, disappointment, but he also missed out on the joys.  I have to believe that he is now in heaven with my dad, watching over us.  I feel positive that I will see him again, I have to hold on to that.

February is Approaching

I don't know how to explain it, but here I am writing in this blog to see if it helps me relieve some of my anxiety that I am feeling knowing that the month of February is approaching.  I am trying to iron shirts this morning and my mind just keeps thinking that the dreaded month of February will be here soon.  It is as if my whole nervous system is on high alert, I feel as if I am ready to crawl out of my own skin.

If will be nine years since my son died and still I feel this way as the day of his death gets closer.  Then his birthday comes nine days later, I am angry that I don't have him to celebrate with.  I often wonder if I will ever get over this feeling, but year after year, I feel the same way.

You have to have experienced this type of trauma to understand it, because it is so hard to explain.  Not only does my mind race, but my body, my heart hurts.  I write in this blog to help me with my emotions.  Sometimes when I feel like this, I really feel a bit crazy, I am a control freak and I cannot control my own feelings and it drives me over the edge.

So again, I write in this blog and take a deep breath, try to understand that this is something I will have to live with my entire life and as time goes on I just cope, hopefully better with each passing year.  I think that is wishful thinking, because it doesn't get better, I just accept the reality that my son is gone and I need to do my best to go on with my life.