Finding Strength in Sadness

I feel as if there are times that I just want all of my memories to go away, so I don't have to think of what I am missing.  Of course this isn't the answer, if that were to happen then I would be just empty and not be able to remember all of the good in my life.  Sometimes my mind just thinks crazy things, I look at pictures and struggle to remember every detail of that moment, because the person in the photo isn't here any more. My father's death has brought on thoughts of my son's death, which isn't really anything that new because I think of Brandon always, the difference is it makes me realize again that life is short.  We don't say I love you enough to the people who matter to us.  We never realize that every conversation we have with them could be our last.  You really don't think this way normally, I even now don't always process this.  But when I take a moment to quiet my mind and think about life, I know all of us need to let the ones we love know.

My trauma has given me strength and I guess it was one of my life lessons that I was suppose to learn, I don't like it, but it is the hand I was dealt.  I don't cope that well, I find that it is easier for me to feel angry, it is my way to protect myself I think.  I have been told that this isn't healthy, I know it isn't, I think it is just that when you heart hurts you want to replace that feeling with another emotion, because it is sometimes easier.  I know it must be hard to understand this concept, because we are meant to view life as full of promise and joy, there are those times, but once who have been shattered, it is harder to put yourself back together and feel optimistic.  I am working on in daily, there are times that it is easier than others.  Today is a day that my thoughts have turned inward and my heart is aching.  I want what I do not have and I cannot do one thing about it.  So I need to refocus my mind, to more positive and important things, I will think of Brittni and all the promise her life holds.  I will think about what I have to look forward in my future.  I will make a mental note to think about what I want out of life and try to achieve it to the best of my ability.

I want a change, don't want to just do what everyone does, I find myself wanting to be adventurous, I need to let myself fulfill these yearnings.  So I will try to lay out a plan and follow it.....I want to live my life on my terms.  I need to just find the strength to do so.

Another Reason to Grieve...But Also Another Reason to Find Faith

Yesterday, my father lost his battle to stay alive for my mother.  His birthday is Sunday, he would have been 90 years old.  But his body just couldn't continue, his spirit always was strong and now it is free from the prison it was held by his deteriorating body.  I know that he is now in no pain and in a much better place than this earth.  I wish I was completely positive of this, it is hard for me to believe in what I cannot see, but I do have faith, just sometimes it gets tested.  I have to believe that my dad and my son are now together again, what a great welcome I am sure Brandon gave my dad and I am sure was dad elevated to see him.  Death is a strange thing, we all know that we will one day die, but when it hits, even if we feel we are somewhat prepared for it, the pain still stings.  I know that I must be selfish because I don't want to lose my family, not because they are not ready to move on, but because I don't want them to leave me.  But death is a reality of life, we cannot control how or when it will come.

My father was a blessing for me, gave me unconditional love, for which I am very blessed to have experienced.  I was his baby, his only daughter, in his eyes I was perfect....that felt good.  In my eyes, my father was a man that no other has ever lived up to, my hero.  He had a way about them that made me feel warm and secure, even during the dark days of my son's death.  I would go speak with him and somehow it would make me feel better.  He loved me and it showed.  Brandon adored my dad and he felt the same way.  Always ready to help me with him in his unruly teenage days, always reassured me that everything was going to be okay.  Then when Brandon died, my father just wondered "why did he have to be him and not me".  My dad's time on this earth wasn't finish at that moment, he had more lessons to teach us.  He taught me to try to accept my son's death, he felt the pain as strong as I did, but still he kept his faith that we would all see him again and that he was with God.  Now I have to reach deep in my soul and find that same faith, because my dad isn't here to tell me that any longer.  I hope that  I have learned that lesson well enough to search within myself and find that surety.

I hate that I had to go to his house yesterday to see his body lying on the floor lifeless, covered with a blanket.  That is another memory that is now seared in my mind that I don't want to have.  I hate that I feel that same feeling of numbness that I felt right after Brandon's death, it is a weird feeling, you know you are sad, but your body just seems to not really know if it is ready to give in to those feelings, I guess it is a way of self preservation.  Shock is what it is categorized as, I should not be shock that my father died, he was ill, but still I find myself in shock.  I tried to prepare but I don't know how, I have to find the strength to let myself feel and think about my dad, instead of myself.  He has to be happier now, not stuck in a chair not being able to do anything.  So weak that it was a chore for him to just sit up and watch tv, much less eat.  He tried his best to stay here, to help my mother who has Alzheimers, but he just couldn't do it any longer.  I need to let my mind think about the reunion he is having in heaven, all of his own siblings are there, his mother and father, his grandson and how his spirit is soaring.  I will keep this mental picture in my head, try not to let the bad thoughts in, but that is hard for me.  I am going to try through, because that is what my dad would have wanted me to do.

TIME GOES ON

Today, my husband just left to meet two of my son's friends for lunch.  One of the friends will be getting married in two weeks.  I hate my initial reaction to opening up the invitation.  At first glance my mind went to the thought that I should be able to experience an event like this with my son, Brandon.  But I will not have the chance, he is dead.  I felt angry because I had been robbed of seeing my son grow into a man with a future in front of him.  I know I shouldn't feel this way, life goes on for everyone and I should not be angry because of an event of a friend or relative.  I think that it might be a normal reaction for people who have lost children, or maybe it is just me.  I am happy for my son's friends who are living their lives and looking forward to a bright future.  I just wish Brandon and myself, I know that sounds selfish, had those experiences to look forward to.  I often say that my heart if broken, maybe even a bit dark, because I cannot seem to look at things with the joy that others do.  I hate that about myself, I wish I could be more positive and let go of some of my pain, maybe then I could fix my heart, instead of never being able to be put it back together again.  I do find joy in life, just in a different way than most, it is as if my emotions are a bit numb.  I believe that is because I feel that I cannot let myself completely feel happiness and contentment, because as soon as I do, I am afraid that something will happen to take that away.  The day before Brandon died I remember thinking to myself, my life is good right now and I am in a place that I like, I was optimistic about the future.  Then that night I get the call that Brandon had been in a car accident and was dead......so much for my optimistic future.  This has caused me to guard myself, I am afraid that as soon as I think everything is going to be okay, something horrible will happen.  I know this isn't a good way to think, but I cannot help myself.  I feel I am always waiting for the next horrible event to happen, as on edge to prepare myself for survival.  I need to learn to take what life has to throw at me better, and believe me I have had plenty thrown at me besides my son's death.  But nothing compares to that event, so I guess I should look at future with a different perspective.  I have lived through the death of my child, from what I know to this day, nothing could be worst than that.  So I need to not worry about the next event of my life so much, because I have survived so far.  I want to try to teach myself to enjoy my days more, cherish what I do have and live my life to the fullest.  The only problem is that it is much easier said than done.  But I will try......if not for myself but for my daughter, who has a bright future ahead of her and she deserves a mother who can enjoy that future and not be so broken.

Life Goes On

Today is my 52nd birthday, where has the time gone.  It is strange to think that I have lived more than half my life already.  Life goes by so fast, I think you realize that as you get older and look back.  Maybe that is why as you age I believe you get much more wise.  Life experiences, both good and bad, form the person that you are and of course as you age you have more experiences, therefore you have learned from all of the events that have occured and this gives you more knowledge.  Sometimes society feels as if the old do not really have much to offer, but in reality they have more experience with every year they have lived and if we were smart we would listen and value their opinions much more than our current society does.  The have learned many lessons along the way.  As I get older I realize my body and mind is changing, that scares me, I don't want to feel old, it is weird to think that I have less time ahead of me than the time that I have behind me.  I have been blessed and also I have lived through my own hell, I hope that I will take the lessons that I have learned from all my experiences and apply them in a positive way for the coming years.  I miss my family....my son, my daughter (thank God she is still here on this earth), my mother (not the same woman I grew up with because she is now stricken with Alzheimers), my dad (who health has deteriorated to the point that he cannot even walk alone).  I have lived through the death of my son, my living hell, but today I looked at pictures of my life and have to say that I have had some great moments.  The best of those moments spent with my family, my children my gift from God, they were and are the most important part of my life.  When I was in 20's, 30's, and 40's my life seemed normal, of course there were times of stress, but as I look back I was very lucky. I thank God for those years and I just wish that I knew at the time really how lucky I was and enjoyed those moments more.  My mid-forties were horrible, my life as I knew it feel apart, I loss my son....life as I had known it would never be the same, still isn't, never will be.  But now that I am in my 50's I am trying to look at all of the challenges that I have had and try to learn from them, appreciate the ones I love more, live life in a more simple way, stay focused on what is really important, learn that I need to look forward to the upcoming years because I know that I will be more wise with each year, so I need to believe more in myself and as usual for me not pay attention to what others say.  I am becoming a wise elder, that is something to celebrate.

PTSD - I thought only solider got it

Post traumatic stress disorder is a term I have heard in reference to veterans who have been mentally scared from battle. But as I was informed by my therapist that anyone who has suffered a trauma in their life can suffer from it. I found this to be the case for me. My son's death has left me with some of the same characteristics that I see in my brother, who is a Vietnam vet. I didn't understand his behavior until I myself have had some of the same symptoms. Sometimes there are times when I just feel overwehlmed with life in general, crowds make me nervous and I have the feeling that I must flee my surrounding sometimes. It is hard to explain this to someone who has never felt this way because it is as if you just lose control of your own behavior, your subconcience mind takes control, sending you in a state of panic. My mind replays things over and over, horrible things about my sons death that I don't want to relive, but cannot help but do so. Little things that make the trauma surface again and again....like right now for the last week I have been thinking about cleaning out Brandon's room. Yes it has been over 8 years and it has been left untouched, but I feel it is time to clean it out, but my mind keeps going back to the day we picked out his bedroom furniture. The salesman was giving us the sales pitch that the furniture was of good quality, solid wood and would last him years, even into marriage. Brandon was with me this day and I let him pick out his furniture. I would have never thought that the furniture would out live/last my son's life, but it has. For the past two weeks this thought has passed my mind more than once daily, the words the saleman spoke that day, I never imagined that those words would make me feel so sad. How can this be that this furniture is here, but Brandon is not....I don't understand and again my mind just keep replaying these words. I see a child with blonde hair and instantly my mind goes to a small boy with beautiful blonde hair that was mine and now he is gone. These children always bring a image of my son to me again reminding me that a part of my heart is missing and will never return. There are times like right now tonight that I am so tired but my mind is racing with thoughts of my son and I cannot sleep. PSTD causes floods of panic to run through your body when memories are triggered by something and it can be just the smallest thing. I remember right after Brandon died being in the grocery store, I saw corn dogs, he loved me to buy corn dogs, after this sighting I felt that panic, it is a strange feeling that manifested in me making me wanting to flee, so that is what I did that day got out of the store as fast as I could, my heart pounding, feel anxious and just hurting all over. I still have issues with crowds, I feel stifled as if I cannot take all of the energy that their bodies emit and again feel that I have to get away. Maybe this explains why I enjoy so much going away from my home, too many memories, always wanting to run away hoping that the change of scenery will make vivid pictures go away, at least for a small amount of time. I cannot tolerate people who don't really understand the gift they have been given who have children. Yes they can be exasperating, but let me tell you the alternative of them not being here to drive you crazy is much worst of a hell than all the trouble they give you. I know this is something no one can understand until they have been standing in the shoes that a walk in everyday. The trauma that I have suffered from my son's death has given me a much clearer picture of the value of children no matter how crazy they make you, because believe me if something happens to them that makes them not here to drive you crazy, will actually make you crazy. That is the way I feel at times crazy, trying to sort out all the thoughts in my mind and make sense why this has happened. I found no solutions, I am a practible person wanting the answers and trying to figure out why things have to happen the way they do. I cannot rationlize why my son had to die and that makes my mind go over and over the events of my son's death, which then makes me stressed, my nervous system has never been one of the strongest of my features, now I feel it is just shot.....trying to remember things that happened when my son was small, visualizing what he would look like now and what he would be doing. Obsessing over why this had to happen, reliving the day, the moments after I heard the news, the funeral, the calls, the days that followed when I found myself only able to get up, get my daughter to school and just lie on the couch feeling as if my blood had been drained from my body, everything was an effort to do. Now after 8 years at 11:00 at night my mind still plays the same conversations over and over that my son and I had so many years ago. Maybe I am not far from insanity, because sometimes I feel as if I am right at the edge and I have to pull myself back to reality. PTSD takes away a zest for life, because you have lived through a nightmare and the nightmare continues and will do so for the rest of your life. So in closing, this is another lesson I have learned that we can never judge a person and saying that they just need to get over it, because if it was that simply, those of us who suffer from PTSD and trauma would surely choose to do so, so we would be able to find that peace that I am looking for but still having trouble finding. So now I know how uncontrollable PTSD can be, your mind simply takes over and throws all of fears and hurts right back at you and all you can do is relive them and hope that they become less with time, I myself cannot see this as the case, but maybe this is where need to read more of the Bible to find out how the people of this period lived through so much, but survived. I think because of their faith it gave them the strength to deal with all of the issues. I need to do the same.

Life

I just got off chatting on facebook with my neighbor and was told that our other neighbor's mother, who is a sweet, loving woman, is losing her battle with cancer. It makes me think about the pain that accompanies death. All of the people who love the person dying is having to go through the steps to watch their loved one move on from this life on earth to another. I have to think that the ones here left on earth are the unlucky ones. We have to finish our life with a void created from the death, along with that comes emotional pain, wondering if we did everything we should have for that person and then we have to deal with all of the emotions that come with it for the rest of our lives. I choose to believe that when it is our time to exit this earth we will be going on to a place which is radiated with love, all sadness, pain, anger and emptiness is filled with nothing but happiness. We get to be reunited with the ones that we have lost before it was our time to leave and move on. This has to be a joyous moment, then we know that all that we have endured during our life on earth led up to this and it has to feel like complete nirvana. I often wonder if those who pass on can look down on all of us here on earth grieving their loss and thinking, I wish they knew how wonderful it is here and know that I am fine and will be waiting for them when they arrive. I have to think this way to make the pain from losing my son bearable and prepare me for the loss of those who I love that go on before me. I hope that when it is my time I will be able to send a sign to my love ones that I am okay and give them some peace. I think my son Brandon has done that, I just need to pay attention and believe, not question these signs. I feel for all of us who are left here on this planet to suffer the loss of our family, friends and others that we have met on the road of life. I just have to believe that there will come a time when we all meet again and we will find out why we had to learn the life lessons we did here and all of our questions be answered. I pray for the family of my neighbor, I know they will miss their mother, grandmother and even great-grandmother, but I am sure she will be reunited with her husband watching over all of them.

Thinking of my children

Right now as I sit in our condo in Mexico my thoughts are on my children. My daughter is on her way home from a great summer trip, Semester at Sea, she has been gone 58 days and will be home in 7 days, I cannot wait to see her. I missed her this summer, this is the time she is usually home from college and I feel whole again with her at home. Still even in this beautiful place located right on the ocean, my heart aches for my son. The ocean does seem to give me some of the peace that I seek. The sound of the waves crashing have a tranquil affect on me. Why is it that woman who become mothers are always change from the moment that their baby is born? I think children are life's greatest treasure, our legacy to the world. It is with this thought that I hope that I have given my children what the needed as they grew up, they know I love them, maybe I don't say the words often enough, but I know they know. I should learn to verbalize my love more, because I know that I wish I would have with my son, but our time ran out too soon. My daughter is my world, I don't know if this is good or bad....she has her own life to live and I don't want to be a burden for her. I know she feels that she has to make up for the loss that our family has suffered, that is a big burden to carry, she misses her brother and also feels she has to do everything right to help her parents. I cannot explain in words the depth of my pain when I think about my son. My mind wanders to all kinds of things, something I hear on television can bring up horrible images in my mind, the other day a character on tv mentioned "only a bag of bones in a box" referring to a dead person. As soon as I heard these words my mind flashed to the day I had to see my son laying in his casket, I just couldn't handle it, I feel to my knees not wanting to believe my eyes....this image automatically came up when I heard the quote above, then I just thought of the bones in the casket that was once my son, as I write this tears fill my eyes and I sharp piercing pain hits my heart. It is hard to explain how emotional pain can cause physical pain, but I know it is possible because it happens to me, just like at this moment. I wonder if there will ever be a time when this ends, I doubt it. But I have to stay tough and learn to enjoy the time I have with my daughter, again trying to look past my pain to a brighter tomorrow. Why is it so hard? I wish I had the answer so I could solve my dilema.