A New Year

The end of 2010 is near, what will the future hold for 2011.  I wish I had a crystal ball and could look into the future to see what is going to happen.  I feel a need to always be on alert, ready for something to happen.  This hasn't always been the way I have felt, but even since Brandon's death nothing seems to be the same for me.  I feel as if I have to prepare myself for the next ball to drop....on October 1, 2010 it did, another death I had to deal with, my father,  I tried to prepare myself for that, I had, but still I felt the pain of losing another person who I loved.  I miss him.....I miss Brandon, Brandon's death has prepared me for almost anything.  I lived through that...I know I can get through anything, except losing another child.  I couldn't ever do that again.  My emotions have been all over the place, probably because of the holidays, Brittni, Jay and I cannot experience the same joy that most people can, we have a big piece of our family puzzle missing.  I know it must be hard for people to understand, because it has been almost 9 years, in our society it seems as if most feel as if you must move on, you do, but the void is always there.  Since Brandon has died Brittni has become very emotional every Christmas, her emotions are conflicting, she is excited about the holiday, but then when it comes the pain of the loss is ever present.  Jay tries to be positive, but you can see the pain in his face too.  For me, I openly admit that I dread Christmas.  But I am going to try to look forward to the New Year.  I have some very important celebrations coming up....Brittni is graduating from college, I cannot believe it, I am so proud of her.  Tanner, my nephew, who is currently living at our house, will be graduating high school, he has worked hard to make up for some past mistakes, I knew he could do it.  This next year I will be working on myself, clear my mind from clutter that I allow others to cause.  Look forward to trying to find more peace, let go of negative energy, I do have trouble with this....I am sorry to admit.  I am happy with the person I am, I am flawed, damaged goods as I call myself, but that is okay, because I am a product of my life experiences both good and bad.  I am a work in progress and will try to use 2011 to better prepare myself for what is to come.

Dreams of a Brighter Future

Another month has gone by, time flies, and here I am contemplating my life again.  We all get caught  up in our daily routines that sometimes we stop dreaming of our future.  Life is not easy, I believe this to be true for everyone, even those we think have a perfect life I am sure they have had some hard times in one way or the other.  I am probably a bit unique on what I want for my future.  I don't want to live the status quo life that most of us end up living, I want to experience new things, new cultures and out of the ordinary experiences, but here I sit on my computer writing this blog instead of going out and making my dream a reality.  Maybe that is all it really is, a dream.  I need to find the courage to explore my possibilities, my life has had more than its share of pain, maybe that is why I feel the need to live my life in a different way than most.  I need to be more proactive with living my dream, but is it frightening, we all get so caught up in our  day to day life and for most change is difficult.  But you know, the only one that can make my dreams of a future come to light is me.  Yes, I have others that I need to take into consideration, that is what I have always done, put their needs above my own.  I think is just my nature and my priority has and will never be myself, first and foremost, it is my daughter.  She is 21 years old now, an adult, but still my baby and always will be.  I realize because of my son's death that children are our most precious gift we can receive here on earth, at least for me.  She has her own life to live, but every idea that I have about my own life I think of how it will affect her.  Brittni still suffers emotionally from the trauma she has lived through, I feel that I need to protect her from anything that will cause her more pain.  This isn't reality because life is all about joy and pain.

I want to live near the ocean, where I can hear the crashing waves, because this is calming to me.  I would like to try a more simple life with less stress.  Everyday I would like to take a moment to really look at nature, the sunset, the ocean, the birds and appreciate what we were given, instead of worrying about everything.  This is probably something everyone would like to have, most of us think is isn't possible, but I believe that if there is a will there is a way.  I am sure that we have to give up some things to attain others and change is difficult.  It is hard to change habits and lifestyles that we have had for years, but sometimes I believe it is necessary to find our true self.

I am going to start writing down a list of what I need to do to make my life more peaceful, that is a start and then decided what items on the list is really a possibility, because I know some on the items will not be possible for me, I know that even before I start.  Maybe I need to find a way to let go of what I think I should do and learn to act more on what I want to do.  This is easy to say, but hard to do.

Tribute to My Father

I spoke at my father's funeral, along with my two brothers.  It was such a great tribute to our father, he was a great dad.  I wanted to share my words on my blog,  so anyone who reads it can see how lucky I was to be blessed with my father for 52 years.

I feel so lucky to have had Cleo Seabourn as a father.  He gave me the gift of unconditional love, no matter what I did; I always knew that he would be there for me.  He was generous and always willing to help his children, wanting to make sure we were all okay.  He was a one of a kind, I am so proud of him.  Later in life he would ask me if he had done all he could have for us kids, with tears in his eyes, you could see how important that question was.  I think he sometimes doubted himself, but there was never a reason he should have. I was his baby girl, he made me feel special, appreciated, loved and as my brothers can attest to, spoiled.  My brothers were a source of pride for my dad, he taught them how to do everything, and he was a jack-of-all-trades.  He sometimes gave them a hard time, I think it was because they were boys and he wanted them to be a little rough and tough.  But his love was just as strong, always there to lend a helping hand to them when needed in any way he could.

He had three granddaughters, Vicki, Brandi and Brittni.  He loved each of these girls, there was never a day that went by when I was visiting that he didn’t ask how my daughter Brittni was doing, even when he grew so weak.  Vicki and Brandi are much older than my children, but I watched him with them and all the love he gave them.  Nothing would keep him from his grandchildren.  My son, Brandon was his buddy, even during the tough teen years, my father had such a positive influence on him, always patient and kind, when everyone else had been tested.  They all loved their grandpa. His love carried on to his great grandchildren, he had only four grandchildren, but ten great-grandchildren. My father was also a dedicated husband, who pushed through his pain on a daily basis to be at home to help my mother with Alzheimer’s.  Even during the last days of his life, his first priority was my mother.

Cleo Seabourn was a great man, the best in my eyes, and I do thank God for giving me the opportunity to be his daughter. He instilled in our family a bond, honesty and taught us to stand up for what we believe.  Family was important no matter what was going on, he loved it we were all together.  We had wonderful Christmas together, and my dad’s eye would light up seeing everyone together.  Thank you dad for teaching me the lessons of life that are really important, family, hard work, pride in yourself and loyalty.  Family is meant to help one another in times of need, that is what is right and this was taught by watching him.  I hope those of us left behind carry on this lesson.  Thank you dad for giving me the love and nurturing that I needed growing up, you were the best father a girl could have had. I love my dad and always will.  And the last thing I ask of you dad, is to do me one more favor, take care of Brandon for me, since you had to leave us, I am thankful that you are with him, buddies together again.  The time has come for you to go home and enjoy heaven with all your loved ones; we will see you there.

Finding Strength in Sadness

I feel as if there are times that I just want all of my memories to go away, so I don't have to think of what I am missing.  Of course this isn't the answer, if that were to happen then I would be just empty and not be able to remember all of the good in my life.  Sometimes my mind just thinks crazy things, I look at pictures and struggle to remember every detail of that moment, because the person in the photo isn't here any more. My father's death has brought on thoughts of my son's death, which isn't really anything that new because I think of Brandon always, the difference is it makes me realize again that life is short.  We don't say I love you enough to the people who matter to us.  We never realize that every conversation we have with them could be our last.  You really don't think this way normally, I even now don't always process this.  But when I take a moment to quiet my mind and think about life, I know all of us need to let the ones we love know.

My trauma has given me strength and I guess it was one of my life lessons that I was suppose to learn, I don't like it, but it is the hand I was dealt.  I don't cope that well, I find that it is easier for me to feel angry, it is my way to protect myself I think.  I have been told that this isn't healthy, I know it isn't, I think it is just that when you heart hurts you want to replace that feeling with another emotion, because it is sometimes easier.  I know it must be hard to understand this concept, because we are meant to view life as full of promise and joy, there are those times, but once who have been shattered, it is harder to put yourself back together and feel optimistic.  I am working on in daily, there are times that it is easier than others.  Today is a day that my thoughts have turned inward and my heart is aching.  I want what I do not have and I cannot do one thing about it.  So I need to refocus my mind, to more positive and important things, I will think of Brittni and all the promise her life holds.  I will think about what I have to look forward in my future.  I will make a mental note to think about what I want out of life and try to achieve it to the best of my ability.

I want a change, don't want to just do what everyone does, I find myself wanting to be adventurous, I need to let myself fulfill these yearnings.  So I will try to lay out a plan and follow it.....I want to live my life on my terms.  I need to just find the strength to do so.

Another Reason to Grieve...But Also Another Reason to Find Faith

Yesterday, my father lost his battle to stay alive for my mother.  His birthday is Sunday, he would have been 90 years old.  But his body just couldn't continue, his spirit always was strong and now it is free from the prison it was held by his deteriorating body.  I know that he is now in no pain and in a much better place than this earth.  I wish I was completely positive of this, it is hard for me to believe in what I cannot see, but I do have faith, just sometimes it gets tested.  I have to believe that my dad and my son are now together again, what a great welcome I am sure Brandon gave my dad and I am sure was dad elevated to see him.  Death is a strange thing, we all know that we will one day die, but when it hits, even if we feel we are somewhat prepared for it, the pain still stings.  I know that I must be selfish because I don't want to lose my family, not because they are not ready to move on, but because I don't want them to leave me.  But death is a reality of life, we cannot control how or when it will come.

My father was a blessing for me, gave me unconditional love, for which I am very blessed to have experienced.  I was his baby, his only daughter, in his eyes I was perfect....that felt good.  In my eyes, my father was a man that no other has ever lived up to, my hero.  He had a way about them that made me feel warm and secure, even during the dark days of my son's death.  I would go speak with him and somehow it would make me feel better.  He loved me and it showed.  Brandon adored my dad and he felt the same way.  Always ready to help me with him in his unruly teenage days, always reassured me that everything was going to be okay.  Then when Brandon died, my father just wondered "why did he have to be him and not me".  My dad's time on this earth wasn't finish at that moment, he had more lessons to teach us.  He taught me to try to accept my son's death, he felt the pain as strong as I did, but still he kept his faith that we would all see him again and that he was with God.  Now I have to reach deep in my soul and find that same faith, because my dad isn't here to tell me that any longer.  I hope that  I have learned that lesson well enough to search within myself and find that surety.

I hate that I had to go to his house yesterday to see his body lying on the floor lifeless, covered with a blanket.  That is another memory that is now seared in my mind that I don't want to have.  I hate that I feel that same feeling of numbness that I felt right after Brandon's death, it is a weird feeling, you know you are sad, but your body just seems to not really know if it is ready to give in to those feelings, I guess it is a way of self preservation.  Shock is what it is categorized as, I should not be shock that my father died, he was ill, but still I find myself in shock.  I tried to prepare but I don't know how, I have to find the strength to let myself feel and think about my dad, instead of myself.  He has to be happier now, not stuck in a chair not being able to do anything.  So weak that it was a chore for him to just sit up and watch tv, much less eat.  He tried his best to stay here, to help my mother who has Alzheimers, but he just couldn't do it any longer.  I need to let my mind think about the reunion he is having in heaven, all of his own siblings are there, his mother and father, his grandson and how his spirit is soaring.  I will keep this mental picture in my head, try not to let the bad thoughts in, but that is hard for me.  I am going to try through, because that is what my dad would have wanted me to do.

TIME GOES ON

Today, my husband just left to meet two of my son's friends for lunch.  One of the friends will be getting married in two weeks.  I hate my initial reaction to opening up the invitation.  At first glance my mind went to the thought that I should be able to experience an event like this with my son, Brandon.  But I will not have the chance, he is dead.  I felt angry because I had been robbed of seeing my son grow into a man with a future in front of him.  I know I shouldn't feel this way, life goes on for everyone and I should not be angry because of an event of a friend or relative.  I think that it might be a normal reaction for people who have lost children, or maybe it is just me.  I am happy for my son's friends who are living their lives and looking forward to a bright future.  I just wish Brandon and myself, I know that sounds selfish, had those experiences to look forward to.  I often say that my heart if broken, maybe even a bit dark, because I cannot seem to look at things with the joy that others do.  I hate that about myself, I wish I could be more positive and let go of some of my pain, maybe then I could fix my heart, instead of never being able to be put it back together again.  I do find joy in life, just in a different way than most, it is as if my emotions are a bit numb.  I believe that is because I feel that I cannot let myself completely feel happiness and contentment, because as soon as I do, I am afraid that something will happen to take that away.  The day before Brandon died I remember thinking to myself, my life is good right now and I am in a place that I like, I was optimistic about the future.  Then that night I get the call that Brandon had been in a car accident and was dead......so much for my optimistic future.  This has caused me to guard myself, I am afraid that as soon as I think everything is going to be okay, something horrible will happen.  I know this isn't a good way to think, but I cannot help myself.  I feel I am always waiting for the next horrible event to happen, as on edge to prepare myself for survival.  I need to learn to take what life has to throw at me better, and believe me I have had plenty thrown at me besides my son's death.  But nothing compares to that event, so I guess I should look at future with a different perspective.  I have lived through the death of my child, from what I know to this day, nothing could be worst than that.  So I need to not worry about the next event of my life so much, because I have survived so far.  I want to try to teach myself to enjoy my days more, cherish what I do have and live my life to the fullest.  The only problem is that it is much easier said than done.  But I will try......if not for myself but for my daughter, who has a bright future ahead of her and she deserves a mother who can enjoy that future and not be so broken.

Life Goes On

Today is my 52nd birthday, where has the time gone.  It is strange to think that I have lived more than half my life already.  Life goes by so fast, I think you realize that as you get older and look back.  Maybe that is why as you age I believe you get much more wise.  Life experiences, both good and bad, form the person that you are and of course as you age you have more experiences, therefore you have learned from all of the events that have occured and this gives you more knowledge.  Sometimes society feels as if the old do not really have much to offer, but in reality they have more experience with every year they have lived and if we were smart we would listen and value their opinions much more than our current society does.  The have learned many lessons along the way.  As I get older I realize my body and mind is changing, that scares me, I don't want to feel old, it is weird to think that I have less time ahead of me than the time that I have behind me.  I have been blessed and also I have lived through my own hell, I hope that I will take the lessons that I have learned from all my experiences and apply them in a positive way for the coming years.  I miss my family....my son, my daughter (thank God she is still here on this earth), my mother (not the same woman I grew up with because she is now stricken with Alzheimers), my dad (who health has deteriorated to the point that he cannot even walk alone).  I have lived through the death of my son, my living hell, but today I looked at pictures of my life and have to say that I have had some great moments.  The best of those moments spent with my family, my children my gift from God, they were and are the most important part of my life.  When I was in 20's, 30's, and 40's my life seemed normal, of course there were times of stress, but as I look back I was very lucky. I thank God for those years and I just wish that I knew at the time really how lucky I was and enjoyed those moments more.  My mid-forties were horrible, my life as I knew it feel apart, I loss my son....life as I had known it would never be the same, still isn't, never will be.  But now that I am in my 50's I am trying to look at all of the challenges that I have had and try to learn from them, appreciate the ones I love more, live life in a more simple way, stay focused on what is really important, learn that I need to look forward to the upcoming years because I know that I will be more wise with each year, so I need to believe more in myself and as usual for me not pay attention to what others say.  I am becoming a wise elder, that is something to celebrate.